Sweetness

[Enchantress]

Your sweetness
kills me slowly.
You’re my constant craving.
I desire to unwrap you
Chew you up,
Devour
every morsel
of sugar
that has me addicted
like a drug that
takes me to heaven
but leaves me in hell.

[YesNo]

The idea that love is like a drug taking us to heaven but leaving us in hell is interesting. You could make this longer to elaborate more on that idea.

[osho]

You may be in the snare of an enchantress, for sweetness deceives into believing or trusting someone untrustworthy.

[Sampson]

this is a beautifully versatile poem. i found that it could be about almost anything on second reading...

[Pete Ak]

A nice poem. Not a new idea (Love is a drug) but I quite like your approach. I wonder tho if there's room for a little more imagination. My first thought was of the nursery rhyme in which girls are made of sugar (and spice) and boys aren't. I' not saying you should examine a link there, just that it may fire off some more imaginative contributions.



Your sweetness
kills me slowly. ---------------I think you just get away with this (almost) cliche
You’re my constant craving.--- Maybe an opportunity here to liken him something you crave?
I desire to unwrap you ------- The sexual allusion works ok here...
Chew you up,---------------- ...but is ruined here. Suck, lick, even smell or taste would be preferable to chew.
Devour
every morsel ---------------- 'devour' is ok tho. Why the line breaks?
of sugar
that has me addicted
like a drug that
takes me to heaven ------- Again there's room to be more imaginative - if you reconsider 'takes' and 'leaves' for other words more consistent with the theme of but leaves me in hell.-------your poem. All I can think of immediately is something like 'dissolves in me, take me to heaven/but the slops of me are left in hell'

[hillwalker]

On the surface this could be a poem about a piece of candy - whilst deeper it could refer to a lover. But ultimately it comes across as a rather cliched lyric to a pop song. There's not enough originality to carry it through I'm afraid.

H

[WolfLarsen]

For a love poem I think it's pretty good.

But the problem is love stinks!

There is, like HillWalker says, the danger of falling into some kind a cliché with love poetry.

I think this particular poem only falls into that cliché little bit.

I think it's pretty good for a love poem.