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FatElvis
01-23-2013, 03:16 AM
On The Subject of Monsters

“There is no need for art. The simple stimulation brought on by our natural senses completely overpowers any provocation of intellect.” The monster shifted the world and the people teetered on the edge.

“I don't know what you mean,” said the child.

The monster corrected its head position and went on. “Have you ever considered our natural order, our deepest motivations? What I mean to say is that you don't have to understand what I am saying. Listen to my words as you would music, with certain phrases repeated like a chorus.” And from the oceans many great beasts awoke and raised and flared their dog-heads.

The monster lifted its tail and went on. “Say that we never communicated by words at all, that our cerebral nature was never satisfied, nor even touched in even a subtle way. All art, all language... Ideas themselves would not exist, just our natural emotions and natural touches in the moonlight. Our food would smell, and we would love it more than we love anything presently. Do you understand?”

“No,” said the child.

“Good, since you don't understand you are free from my burden.” The dog-headed beasts approached and snarled and clapped their teeth.

“I'm scared.” The child cowered from the dog-headed beasts.

“I know you are scared. Our visitors are about to give us the greatest gift of all: the gift of nonexistence.” And the monster steadied the Earth and the child wept and both were chomped apart by the great dog beasts.

sarah.nichole
01-23-2013, 11:03 AM
Where did you get the inspiration for this one? I'm curious as to where this came from.

Couple things that put me off a little.

The monster corrected its head position and went on What was wrong with his head position? I think it would read better as something like "The monster cocked his head to the side and went on."

You also use "went on" in both paragraphs one after another. Try using "continued" or something similar instead for one of them.

The dog-headed beasts approached and snarled and clapped their teeth. I find this one a little awkward. Instead I would have put "The dog-headed beasts approached snarling and clapping their teeth." Although I wouldn't have used "clapping their teeth". But I couldn't think of another way to put it either...

And the monster steadied the Earth and the child wept and both were chomped apart by the great dog beasts. What do you mean by "steadied the Earth"? I also think that "chomped" is a little awkward here. I think something like "torn" would have been more effective. "Chomp" seems kind of childish to me. Reminds me of Chain Chomp from Mario.


I really enjoy your writing. I know you're posting a lot here to get the feedback to be a better writing, so I thought I would give you my two cents.

:)

FatElvis
01-23-2013, 11:45 AM
Thank you for the feedback! Yes, I am definitely trying to improve my writing. To what end I do not know, but the prospect of improving keeps me writing.

I ripped this off from two sources, The Gods of Pegana by Lord Dunsany and The Picture of Dorian Gray by...hmmmm, some mysterious and obscure author. ;)

Lately I've been thinking about how (to me) art is really nothing compared to... erm, physical sensations. The didactic presentation of that thought in this piece really turns me off though.

Thanks again for reading and commenting!

Charles Darnay
01-23-2013, 12:16 PM
Yeah, the Oscar Wilde is definitely present here. It kind of reminds me of the caterpillar scene from Alice's Adventures in Wonderland - in which the caterpillar perverts Watts' poem - here, you (sort of) pervert Wilde's aesthetic ideas.

WolfLarsen
01-28-2013, 11:49 AM
a standing ovation