Passenger Window

[Cursive]

My first post, a trashy poem, but, I didn't feel like posting a different one (for whatever reason). Anyways, hello, I'm Michael. :)



Passenger Window
i look out
on the top of the clouds
at angels leaving traces
of their footsteps
to remind us...

oh, god, i wish
i could go back to that time
innocent, youth
god, bring me
back

i don’t want to be here
i prefer angels
to turbulence

the past was so...
well...

just
bring me
back
to that time
i look out
on the top of the clouds.

[firefangled]

My first post, a trashy poem, but, I didn't feel like posting a different one (for whatever reason). Anyways, hello, I'm Michael. :)



Passenger Window
i look out
on the top of the clouds
at angels leaving traces
of their footsteps
to remind us...

oh, god, i wish
i could go back to that time
innocent, youth
god, bring me
back

i don’t want to be here
i prefer angels
to turbulence

the past was so...
well...

just
bring me
back
to that time
i look out
on the top of the clouds.


This reminds me a little of a James Merrill poem called A Downward Look.

You picked some well known territory to write a poem about. It appears you went"back" to a more innocent time and found that youth wasn't all it's cracked up to be. So, then you wanted back to where you started with angels on top of the clouds. I wouldn't say this is trashy, but it is lacking something to anchor it to. By this I mean to say, you must have been thinking about more concrete things in your life at the time you applied these metaphors to them. We want to know what those were. Why? 1) Why angels? How do angels have meaning for N? Don't use elipsis and leave it up to the reader to assume what we should be reminded of. 2) What is in the time of innocense that N wants to return to? 3) What did N really find there that made N want to go back? What does turbulance signify, the airplane, N's "innocent" youth remebered wrongly? 4) I don't think you need to callout the word "back" to further signify what it means. 5) If N wants to go back to the previous lofty view, what is still there that is better than the N's mistaken innocent youth?

The metaphors you have chosen are valid, even if shop-worn, but details will take them from being general references that can conjure up so many different meanings as to just be confusing. I would also suggest investigating more secular visions you may have from seeing clouds from an airplane; it may be less encumbered than what you have chosen.

[Cursive]

This reminds me a little of a James Merrill poem called A Downward Look.

You picked some well known territory to write a poem about. It appears you went"back" to a more innocent time and found that youth wasn't all it's cracked up to be. So, then you wanted back to where you started with angels on top of the clouds. I wouldn't say this is trashy, but it is lacking something to anchor it to. By this I mean to say, you must have been thinking about more concrete things in your life at the time you applied these metaphors to them. We want to know what those were. Why? 1) Why angels? How do angels have meaning for N? Don't use elipsis and leave it up to the reader to assume what we should be reminded of. 2) What is in the time of innocense that N wants to return to? 3) What did N really find there that made N want to god back? What does turbulance signify, the airplane, N's "innocent" youth remebered wrongly? 4) I don't think you need to callout the word "back" to further signify what it means. 5) If N wants to go back to the previous lofty view, what is still there that is better than the N's mistaken innocent youth?

The metaphors you have chosen are valid, even if shop-worn, but details will take them from being general references that can conjure up so many different meanings as to just be confusing. I would also suggest investigating more secular visions you may have from seeing clouds from an airplane; it may be less encumbered than what you have chosen.

Hey,

Thanks for the response and criticism. I really appreciate it and rarely receive it. I find its difficult to progress my writing without it.

Anyways I will work on adjusting this poem and perhaps repost it, but I will clarify something's because this poem is written more for myself, I guess.

The angels serve as a metaphor, but are also literal. I am writing about a time when I was younger, specifically when I was about 4. My mother and I traveled a lot by flight. I would look out onto the clouds and I always would tell my mom that I saw angels playing and saw traces of their footsteps. Now, when I fly, I see those traces in the clouds and am reminded of a this youthful time and a time where I believed in god. The turbulence is a falling out of my religion and youth, and I long for that time again when everything was so simple.

This isn't a defense, it's just an explanation. I will take your advice and do some editing. As I said, I really appreciate it, and while I may get defensive, I'm appreciative of honest criticism. It's better than just always having people saying they like it. And please ignore any errors in this post, I'm on my phone and autocorrect tends to make things worse.

[WolfLarsen]

My first poem was a lot worse than this one!

Beer first poem it's not bad. Actually I meant to say for your first poem it's not bad. Voice recognition software is a trip!

Anyway not bad! Congratulations!