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FatElvis
01-19-2013, 02:51 AM
The Pride of Gorgar

The Deep-Fry Master stirred the boiling vat of vegetable oil, and wood was added to the fire underneath, making the oil grow ever hotter. A giant potato, hoisted by a dozen grunting strongmen, was pushed into the vat. Immediately upon dunking, the oil roared to a boil, as if it were being gratified in some sort of strange, orgasmic way. Continually being stirred, the potato was boiled down to a golden, crisp yellow.

When the boiling had been completed a priest came to the town hall, where this sacrosanct ritual was taking place. The potato was then lifted out of the boiling vat by a series of carefully measured ropes. The priest looked intently upon the potato from every angle, making sure it satisfied his scrutiny, then raised his arms to the gods above and pronounced the finished product a french fry! Now it was suitable for the village's most important ritual – the feeding of the Sagacity of Forgiveness. It was known amongst all villagers that only by this ritual were they spared from destruction.

The same dozen strongmen who had lifted the potato now garbed themselves in suits of knight-armor, so as not to be seared by their next task. The giant french fry was cut down from its rope suspension and gradually lowered onto the knights' shoulders, to be carried like a casket at a funeral.

For four days, never stopping for food or rest, the knights carried the french fry onward, ever-onward. Upon reaching their destination the knights used their very last bit of energy to lift the french fry heavenward and into the squishy Sagacity of Forgiveness. Now that the french fry was in its proper location, and now that their village had been spared ruin for another month, the knights knelt to the ground and solemnly died.

The french fry was dragged inward into the Sagacity of Forgiveness, which was actually the brain of a bloated corpulence named Gorgar. It was at this moment of penetration that Gorgar had an idea: it would make a french fry! Gorgar concentrated on the formation of a french fry, and from out of its head flap came the very same fry the knights had died for. Examining the french fry, Gorgar deemed his work a success.

Gorgar bubbled and swarmed in self-appreciation. It blasted its eye trumpets, it snarled its tooth demons, and pridefully rolled upon the cosmos. Gorgar believed it had created a french fry.

AuntShecky
01-19-2013, 04:21 PM
As in the other two tales of yours that I've read, this one attempts to make the familiar unfamiliar, a worthy endeavor. But as in those stories, again the rather pedestrian structure and style detract from the comic effect one assumes you are trying to achieve.

The narration plods along with the "this happened, and then this happened" formula. The highly imaginative scenario would be greatly improved with a "livelier" approach, including specifics and some clever dialogue.


A preponderance of passive verbs not only slows down the pace but also detracts from the intended effect . For instance:


The Deep-Fry Master stirred the boiling vat of vegetable oil, and wood was added to the fire underneath, making the oil grow ever hotter. A giant potato, hoisted by a dozen grunting strongmen, was pushed into the vat. Immediately upon dunking, the oil roared to a boil, as if it were being gratified in some sort of strange, orgasmic way. Continually being stirred, the potato was boiled down to a golden, crisp yellow.

You can liven up the passage just by making the verbs active:

The Deep-Fry Master stirred the vegetable oil in the boiling vat, and when he added wood under the fire, the oil grew ever (even?) hotter. A dozen grunting strongmen pushed the giant potato into the vat. (The next sentence is a little incomprehensible, as we've already been told that the oil was boiling.) The Master continued to stir the oil until the potato became crisp and golden yellow. (The potato itself is crisp, not the color.)

The final sentence of the piece,

Gorgar believed it had created a french fry
is anti-climactic and could be safely dropped.

FatElvis
01-19-2013, 05:09 PM
Thanks for the great criticism, AuntShecky! I'll try to look for the word "was" and see if I can find ways to eliminate it. Your entire re-write is much better than my original. I'll try to learn from your examples and hopefully I can improve my writing. Thanks again! :)