Hopefully Confused

[2X2E5]

The tap leaks optimism blatantly.
Onto the pessimists rouge nose.
A girl trips into the arms of hell.
Magic cards protest for extended holidays.

The bath tub is half full.
My scent is ignorant and an enemy to my mouth.
Demons tango at teenage lightshow discos.
Magicians rarely use the same deck.

Blood or dye, there’s more than meets the eye.
Prettier than what is ugly, still smells like ****.
Lust, sex, plastic passion, going once, going twice…
SOLD! To the unrealistic observer in his fathers sweater.

With my body in, the tub is full.
Without a home in winter, the nose blushes dignity.
She will always look the wrong direction.
Sit on the boarder of reality and imagination
…when its time chose the stronger invasion.

[hillwalker]

This is much better - though at times it reads like a list. Some interesting imagery - an original take on suicide?

H

[2X2E5]

Glad I could get one semi-positive reply from you :)
I take it as your an experience poem reader...? or I'm just noobish.

I wasn't thinking about having the element of suicide in it, although I was very sad when writing it... interesting look on it! Thanks

[hillwalker]

No more experience than anyone else on here who bothers to give feedback.

It's just so often the case than new posters sharing their first work on here have the misguided belief that poetry has to rhyme.
It doesn't, and those aspiring poets who cling to that misconception make a complete hash of things. The rhyme dictates what they write rather than the poet.

H

[hallaig]

I like the tumble of images- reminds me of early Bob Dylan- but doesn't make coherent sense to me as a piece, apart from verse 3 which sort of does. Very ambitious use of langauge and imagery though. You've used about 14 poems' worth of images!

[2X2E5]

No more experience than anyone else on here who bothers to give feedback.

It's just so often the case than new posters sharing their first work on here have the misguided belief that poetry has to rhyme.
It doesn't, and those aspiring poets who cling to that misconception make a complete hash of things. The rhyme dictates what they write rather than the poet.

H
Thank you for the feed back.
The rhyme dictating the poet is very much true in my case, but I've noticed its taken me on more interesting paths in terms of ideas. Feels like a pleasant challenge if I can write a poem and then try to find synonym for the last words in the line.


I like the tumble of images- reminds me of early Bob Dylan- but doesn't make coherent sense to me as a piece, apart from verse 3 which sort of does. Very ambitious use of langauge and imagery though. You've used about 14 poems' worth of images!

In this poem I tried to be creative with its structure. The first sentence of each paragraph is one story, the second sentence of each paragraph is another, and so forth.
Thanks for the feed back :)

[Delta40]

I think its rather fractured but some interesting imagery all the same - not that it is meditative in any way. It's just one quick snapshot after the other and one is left asking 'what the hell was that about?' You probably can adopt a different style with your writing and maximise your obvious potential.