Operation Gloom (SciFi WIP)

[RCH]

Hi all, this is the beginning of my short, i've never written a story before and would love you're feedback. Thanks.

I awake with sudden fear as the alarm sounds in my ears, it's 6.01am.

"Already!?", I think to myself and slam my palm on the evil gadget.

I get out of the bed and stand up, but my brain doesn't catch up until a couple of seconds after.

"Ouch!" I wince, as my vision blurs and spins trying to re-adjust.
"Never again." I mutter, even though next weekend I will probably get just as drunk.

I walk downstairs more careful than ever and head towards the kitchen. I grab a glass from the cupboard and pour the last of the Jack Daniel's I have, 'hair of the dog...' and all that.

As I tip the glass towards my mouth I try to remember what happened last night. I was at an old friends leaving party to celebrate 20 years of being a Galactic Commando (G-Com) based on Moon Base 1, there were hundreds of people there to wish him luck on his new post at Mars Base 3 and also to say their last goodbyes. It's common knowledge that once you are posted on Mars, you'll end up staying there for the rest of your career.

I slam the glass down and exhale an uncontrolable loud groan as my breath is taken away by the burning of the whiskey.

"Never again." I mumble again.

I turn and head towards livingroom. Slouching down on the sofa, I switch the TV off standby and change the channel to 'Arachnid News 24/7'. The 'Second Galactic War', as the media calls it, is still going strong even after 4 years.

Using what feels like all of my energy, I lean towards the coffee table in front of me and grab a cigerette packet with my right hand. As I slump back into my seat, I realise I didn't pick up the lighter.

"For God's sake." I grumble.

But before I could try to regain the vigor to lean across again, something on the screen infront of me catches my attention.

"BREAKING NEWS!" exclaims the news station. I freeze.

"FETORS CITY HAS BEEN HIT BY UP TO 50 EGG SPORES!".

What!? How the hell did...

"BEEP BEEP", sounds the computer. I pick up the VideoLink console and press Answer.

Kevin appears on the screen.
"Hey! Are you alright?" he asks,
"Yeah. You heard on th..."
"The TV? Yeah its bad, they haven't hatched yet though."
"Are the Marines on the way?" I ask, hoping to receive a positive answer.
"No, not yet. Most of them are still on Moon Base 1." Damn.
"Well I'm coming over to you." I tell him.
"Okay, be quick, i'll get some more backup".

I stop the video call and jump up from the sofa, dizziness hits me again for a few seconds but adrenaline gives me a second wind and I start running through the house heading towards the basement. I hold my hand on the wooden basement door handle thinking about what I need to take with me, it has been a while since I've needed to go down there.

Upon opening the door a musty old smell smacks me in the face.
I walk down the spiraling creaky stairs until I reach a small room, I flick a alight switch on the wall to my right and a dim glow appears which gets brighter until the whole room is well lit.
Opposite me is a door leading to the Energy Room, theres nothing in there but the household solar converter. To my left I see the body armour I wore many years ago, it's only First Galactic War quality but comes complete with Spit Visor and Radar. To my right is an AutoGun hanging on a I lifted from the Barracks before leaving Moon Base 1, I was only a grunt, but I knew I had the same potential as Smithy to become a Commando.

Grabbing the things I needed, I couldn't help the flashbacks of the Drones and Wraiths that had attacked Moon Base 1 back in 2145, Wraiths flying around attacking with Spit Spores at anything that had two legs, those were annoying bastards. That was 20 years ago, and the war has stepped up a few notches since then.

I struggle walking back up all these steps with my gear on. I dont remember it being so heavy, but then again I'm not the soldier is used to be.
I reach the front door of the house, going through a mental checklist: Armour, Gun, Ammo, Visor and Radar. Oh yeah, and the cigerettes. Done.

Before openning the front door, I start to wonder how I'm even going to be able to get to Smithy's place. He's 6 miles away and with all this gear on it will take me at least an hour.

I pull down the handle and slowly open it expecting to see panic and chaos, but there is... nothing. Everything is silent and calm.
In front of me is the usual, an old derelict warehouse and to each side of it are small apartments. It all seems normal and untouched.

I walk out of the house and shut the door behind me, raising my right arm I speak into my WristCom.
"Computer?" I ask.
*BEEP BEEP* sounds the computer instantly, waiting for my command.
"Lock all doors and windows and turn the security recording on."
*BLEEP BOOP* it acknowledges and processes the orders.

[FatElvis]

The formatting is a bit weird (particularly the quotations scattered throughout the first paragraph), but it's actually pretty easy to follow. Kudos! :)

I didn't like how every sentence felt like an exclamation. Maybe try easing us into the story and character with some small moments, reactions to the environment, etc? The thing about Kevin Smith, and the Hatchling feel like exposition dumps, and unnecessary ones at that.

Just my thoughts anyway!

[RCH]

The formatting is a bit weird (particularly the quotations scattered throughout the first paragraph), but it's actually pretty easy to follow. Kudos! :)

Thanks alot for reading and yes, the formatting was pretty useless. I have just edited this and made a few (quite alot actually) changes to it. If you have the time, it would be great if you could scan through again and see what you think this time round.

Thank you again for your reply!

[FatElvis]

Thanks alot for reading and yes, the formatting was pretty useless. I have just edited this and made a few (quite alot actually) changes to it. If you have the time, it would be great if you could scan through again and see what you think this time round.

Thank you again for your reply!

0_0 !!!!

Wow, RCH - you improved your writing here by like 10x! This is really excellent, it could be right out of a published sci-fi piece (imo).

Keep up the good work, and I'm sure you'll get a lot of notice!

Also kudos for the positive and gracious attitude. :)

[hillwalker]

This is better than the first draft that I skimmed through yesterday, but it still needs some work.

First of all, opening any story with the MC waking up and going through his daily routine is suicidal. Readers expect to be hooked from the opening paragraph. No matter what our personal circumstances might be, there's nothing new that can be written about waking up, getting dressed and having breakfast. If you're looking to get published the first paragraph will be a clincher - yours spells 'rejection letter'.

Secondly, avoid info dumps. That's where the plot grinds to a halt because the author decides the reader needs to be given some background information. Paragraph 6 comes dangerously close to doing this.
20 years service - G-Com - Moon Base 1 and Mars Base 3
You have to look for more subtle ways of creating the setting in my opinion.

Thirdly - people don't generally speak out loud to themselves. By all means include your MC's internalised thoughts. But
I slam the glass down and exhale an uncontrolable loud groan as my breath is taken away by the burning of the whiskey.
"Never again." I mumble again.
isn't particularly great writing.
The verb 'exhale' means to breath out so I'm not sure how you can exhale if your breath is taken away - I would expect a gasp in this situation. The natural response to a stinging mouthful of spirits.
'uncontrollable loud groan' - difficult to picture
'Never again," I mumble again. Need I point out the problem here?

12 paragraphs in and still there's nothing happening. I tend to think that most readers will have given up by now.
We do get another little info dump - The 'Second Galactic War', as the media calls it, is still going strong even after 4 years. - but not much more.
And why are you telling us what the media calls it? Do other people call it something else?

Your story only really begins with the newsflash. I don't think you need 'exclaims the news station'. Let the banner headline speak for itself.

What!? How the hell did... is just dreadful. Dump it.

As for the video call - it seems rather too much of a coincidence to me. Do we really need the MC to see it on the news then hear about it from Kevin? It's hardly adding any tension to what should be a suspenseful scene. It's like you're taking as long as possible to get the story off the ground. Again, think of your audience. This is hardly edge-of-the-seat plotting.

'running through the house' - nobody runs through a house unless it's in a Tom + Jerry cartoon.
And I don't believe that a smell can 'smack' someone in the face either. I suggest you tone the language down so the scene appears more realistic.

You have obviously thought out the plot with a great deal of care - identifying various 'futuristic' elements to bring it to life. But again, the inventory of what lies in the basement is just that. A check-list of what soldiers wear in your 'world'. All very interesting once we get into the story, but at this stage I think you're in danger of dragging the reader away from the story that's not even begun yet.

And a 'future' world where the only mode of transport apparently travels no faster than 6 miles an hour??? Makes no sense to me.

We often spend a long time building up a scenario when we start to write any story - it's like the scaffolding of a house. But once the story is completed we find the scaffolding is no longer necessary - the story is structurally sound without it. I think you'll come to the conclusion that when your novel is completed this opening chapter is unnecessary. All that's happened is that our hero has got up and left for work. I'm no nearer knowing, or even caring, what's going to happen to him next because I can't engage with him as a believable person with what you have given us so far.

H

[AuntShecky]

You're/your -- there's a difference. Watch out for little errors like this.

I agree with the astute critic Hillwalker re: opening in a way that will grab the reader's attention. Once again, yours fooly will cite the anonymous editor of The New Yorker who once confessed he (or she) immediately rejected any story opening with the protagonist (or narrator) waking up in the morning. You'll want to be on the lookout for clichéd situations as well as the nasty little clichés themselves.

Hill was also absolutely correct (as he almost always is) about the "info dump." Anytime you succumb to expository writing, the compulsion to "tell" rather than to "show," you risk boring the reader who'll thus abort the mission pronto.

What is preferable is to let out the necessary information, little by little, the "drip method," to use Hill's term in a reply to another LitNutter's thread. Flashbacks and flash-forward scenes are useful tools to present the back story (and hint of the outcome), but when you employ those devices, be careful of your verb tenses. That's why I always say that you seldom go wrong with using past tense in fiction, rather than the "present" tense. (You can ignore the fact that I used four different tenses in this reply!)

[RCH]

Thanks alot for your criticism both of you, it really helps a novice like myself to take a step back and look at the story from a different angle.

This part of the story was written around 3 years ago while I was bored at work. Only now have I had the urge to re-look at it and do more with it.

I'm going to go away now and re-write this version using all the pointers you guys have suggested/corrected.

Again, thanks alot for your time to read my work and reply.