The Age of Innocence

[Caliode]

xxxxxx

[Pete Ak]

Such a passive series of descriptors that form the image of this young girl needs a denouement that brings with it activity, 'offering herself' doesn't do enough for me. Maybe it is that the girl is so passive that causes me to feel disinterested. Ultimately there is too much of the piece that, on it's conclusion are of little import. The stem of her rose, colour of her chair, her hosiery are examples which could have been interesting on the way but in the end matter nothing to the conclusion that she is offering herself. If I were in the room it's what she was offering that I'd be interested in, less so her rose or her chair, slightly more so her legs (I guess) which incidentally are clad in silk and nylon - is that silk on one leg, nylon on the other or does she have two pairs on? Forgive my disingenuity, but I hope you can see what I mean.

[Charles Darnay]

I agree with the above. The images are flat and lines such as

"And, smilig sweetly with lip-sticked mouth"

are just awkward.

[Caliode]

"Forgive my disingenuity, but I hope you can see what I mean" - does disingenuous mean something different in Wales? . According to my dictionary it means fraudulent, insincere or lacking in honesty. Disingenuity carries implications of underhand or unfair treatment

Are you saying your comments are dishonest and unfair?

The poem attempts to create a sense of the banal, which undercuts the superficial glamour of the description and provides an ironic contrast with the title.

[Pete Ak]

"Forgive my disingenuity, but I hope you can see what I mean" - does disingenuous mean something different in Wales? . According to my dictionary it means fraudulent, insincere or lacking in honesty. Disingenuity carries implications of underhand or unfair treatment

Are you saying your comments are dishonest and unfair?

The poem attempts to create a sense of the banal, which undercuts the superficial glamour of the description and provides an ironic contrast with the title.

Sorry for the lack of clarity there Calliode, I meant that the questions about her hosiery were disingenuous nothing else; those particular questions are rhetorical in that they require no answer and disingenuous in that I'm not really ignorant of the answers. I think you've succeeded in creating a sense of banality and the title does contrast with the denouement.
Pete

[Buh4Bee]

I thought there was a very clear description of an older "call-girl" at work. There is just enough of a sketch to understand the scene, but enough mystery to let the reader fill in the details. The irony I thought actually does work well is the title contrasted against the scene. Whether the author intended the scene to be banal or the reader perceive the character as flat, I think it is interesting as a 5 line piece.