A Sense of Things As They Are Not

[Lykren]

Cool light descended from the windows
to the floor. The rain chanted
songs of soft pain,
soft as the cat you never hear
but which strikes invisibly, hushing
the birth of flowering remembrance.

[catastrophiat]

Wow I really like it. It's soft and intense at the same time, dripping with imagery. The only part that sticks out to me is the phrase "flowering remembrance." It seems stuffy compared to the rest..."flowery," if you will. Something like "a blooming memory" would be more evocative.

And maybe using "who" instead of "which" for the cat gives it more action. But that's totally just me. :) Again, lovely poem.

[hallaig]

This is nothing like as good as your other piece. Too many words, not enough meaning? I think you need to start with an idea and then form words, rather than forming words and hoping they amount to an idea. The rain chanted dreams of soft pain is, to me, a wordy and essentially meaningless image, and since its the central image in the piece it renders the whole thing bereft. The birth of flowering remembrance? What's wrong with just remembrance?

[Lykren]

Thank you both for commenting.

Hallaig: Which other piece are you referring to? Also, I changed 'dreams' to 'songs'. Does it make any difference, do you think?