The Spooky Hall

[ShadowsCool]

The corridor had an echo, that of a leaky faucet, dripping one drop at a time onto a vacant bathtub. Though, from which side of the hall it came, I could not surmise, this eerie sound...

So cautious I stepped down the hall and felt a dampness, as if a chilling breeze fell from the ceiling; and thought to myself how strange it was, since it appeared newly sealed with plaster. As though work had been completed; as there was fresh drops of paint carved on the faded wall...

So I continued to step more uneasily; a foot at a time, towards the far window down the narrow arch of the hall...

And just then I felt a presence; though from where, I could not tell. I thought to myself, maybe it's my mind playing tricks on me - by my heightened state of awareness, or perhaps, by the uncertainty of the situation I found myself in. Thus, bravely I wrote it off - undeterred. Having a keen eye, I thought I could make it through this narrow hallway, without my wild imagination getting the best of me...

So after pausing, I kept on going; aware that in my amplified state, it was just my mind playing a trick on me...

So I took a half-hearted step and looked over, and then back around to wistfully where I came...

And then having rushed my pace, I grew slightly panicked in my heart; that started pounding inside my chest on its own accord. For my heart seemed to sense something was very wrong; more than my mind was willing to imagine. As if it knew something I didn't want to know, or perhaps even within the wall, something so sinister, I would not dare to contemplate. So in part ignorance - I kept on walking, aware that my body was telling me something my mind chose to ignore...

And then I jumped and skipped, and my heart revolted, tripped by a splotch of liquid that bounced off my hand and on to the floor; scaring me like nothing previous had before...

And there intently I looked...

And what it is I saw; I leaped backwards in the air; and indeed it was blood; and dare I looked up in the ceiling and it was coming furious, now dripping from the enclave of the ceiling. And in my haste to instinctively crawl back, there was a uttered voice; like a deep throaty voice. I could not make out the words, for I was in full panic and my ears were only hearing the throbbing of my runaway heart that kept pounding into my ear drums...

And again I heard a voice; a sinister sound that spoke from within, on the other side of the wall...

"Where will you run?" and this followed by a high piercing scream, a female voice; and things were knocking over; and in this state I was bound by my terrified body, twisted on the floor; trying to regain my feet so I could get up and run...

And then as I begun to struggle, I fell upon my knees, slipping on a pool of blood; and my hands were covered, and my legs too; and I was silenced inside my terror, and rolled forth and could not remember anything else; for the next thing I found was a hooded figure standing a few feet from me. And in my terror, my eyes could not see his eyes; for they were dark, and then no more...

And when I gained conscious...

I was on the other side, inside the wall: tied down on some operating table...

And it was a wooden table, like an old oak..

And it was me and that hooded man, with ghastly eyes, and a scalpel in his hands, about to put that thing right into me.

[Delta40]

Lol. If you told this to some wide eyed children before bedtime, they'd never sleep! You just need a keyboard to play a few dark notes for effect Shadows....

Having said that, I think there are alot of sentences which need fixing. 'And what it is I saw' is not correct. 'And dare I looked up...' Some of your more classic sentence structures work but others don't and I would suggest you keep it simple.

The other issue I have is the ongoing paras starting with 'And' Personally I don't know if this is supposed to keep up the suspense of the story but this piece is filled with 'so' and 'and'. Do you think there is another way to show the reader other than a stock 'this happened, then this happened, then this happened next' approach? I like the telling but think there is room for more. I always like the idea of getting to know the character. The horror you're presenting us with will be even more nightmarish if we connect with the character in some way and that can't happen when we know nothing about him.

Good foundation Shadows and a spine chilling start.

[ShadowsCool]

Thanks Delta. Let's just say I'm not very good at communicating my thoughts on paper. My english is horrible and I barely get by on imagination. I tend to use "And" way to often and tell a story instead of live it. I'll have to see how I can get better at this. But thanks for clearing the path and making it easier for me to see.

[hope75]

Hi Shadows, enjoyed the story it had a nice eery atmosphere to it. It is well written but found the flow was greatly affected by, in my opinion, an overuse of commas. I too fall foul of this with my writing but it is something I am working on and feel your writing would read better if you also worked on it. Saying that, thought the idea and atmosphere were great. Keep it up!

[Steven Hunley]

This was atmospheric and suspenseful. The thing about and is, it can be left out of most sentences if it's the leading word. Since the sentences follow each other in sequence, it follows that the actions follow each other by the placement of the sentences themselves. Many times you can leave the first 'and' off. So too, many of the sos can be jettisoned for the same reason.

[AuntShecky]

Be judicious in your use of one-sentence paragraphs; too many of them defeat the purpose that a stand-alone sentence is supposed to convey.

Look up the use of the ellipsis ("...") It's not an alternative to the full-stop which is what a period does.

Show, don't tell.

[ShadowsCool]

Thank you all