In An Empty Cafe

[Lykren]

My gloves sit at ease and at odds
mutely stretched out, flung down
palms facing up and down on the table.
The light flickers
as from no earthly sun
the floor is bare.
Drunk with joy, a dog passes by
the large window, nipping at the rain.
Pale rivers stream through the air outside
and slowly I begin to fall asleep.

[cacian]

very nice :)

[islandclimber]

I quite like this. The imagery is lovely.


Drunk with joy, a dog passes by
the large window, nipping at the rain.

These two lines are just exquisite.


My gloves sit at ease and at odds
mutely stretched out, palms flung
facing up and down on the table.

However, the start seems a little awkward currently. I like the idea. I'm not sure what could be done with it. Palms flung could possibly be omitted so it reads a little smoother, and doesn't confuse. Though I like the two words. What do you think about this?

My gloves sit at ease and at odds
mutely stretched out, flung, palms
facing up and down on the table.

Just a switch of the order and a comma in between, clarifies that gloves were flung, and the palms face up and down on the table...?

[Lykren]

Good idea islandclimber... but maybe

"... flung down, mutely stretched out,
facing up and down on the table"

would work too? Or does that seem a little too 'cluttered'?

Thanks.

[islandclimber]

Oh! Flung down, I didn't think of that. Great idea.

But might I suggest putting it after mutely stretched out, because I quite adore that first line and a half. My gloves sit at ease and at odds mutely stretch out, is brilliant...

So, maybe this:

My gloves sit at ease and at odds
mutely stretched out, flung down,
palms facing up and down on the table.

And you could leave in, or take out palms, as it would work well either way... I prefer it in the poem, for that was your original vision.

[Lykren]

Changed it.

[hallaig]

Nice little word sketch. I would like to know more about your ennui rather than the fact you're falling asleep- that's why the poem lacks core and impact. I would put the pale rivers line before the drunk dog one, and ditch the line 'as from no earthly sun' which is superfluous.