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miyako73
01-08-2013, 12:50 AM
It has been said that the first two pages of a novel are the most important. The first page is to make its reader curious and excited. If that does not happen, the second page is its writer's last chance in case the reader will give the book a second look.

Will you continue reading after these first two pages? Thanks a bunch!


I

She dialed international on the payphone, and all the brass coins jingling in her hand, the leftovers of her last one hundred-peso bill, were just enough for that brief talk. From our house to the phone booth was a struggle. She wore her gold-on-black Hermes scarf, a frayed square of silk she wrapped and tied around her head to cover her face from dust, belched smoke diffusing the smell of gasoline, and shame. Her black Jackie O sunglasses could not hide her sullen looks and scowl. She clasped her vintage Italian-made tote in case bag snatchers would think she had money because of her damish coiffured hair and fair skin still without spots and wrinkles.

She had never felt so alone as if she and her mid-morning shadow were the only ones plodding down the potholed street. Like those beggars, mumbling crazies, drunks, and homeless bums hanging out in the area, she stood on the sidewalk lost in the chaotic dirt and noise of the city I left when I was sixteen, right after high school.

She pined for the things she used to have and was upset that she would never have those things again. She despaired, with the solitude of the humid air mute inside the graffiti-ridden booth. She had never been so broke that she had to go to the street corner to make a phone call. She lost face literally, feeling as though her powdered epidermis melted inch by inch and fell off like a mask of liquefied flesh—shame was physiological to her.

When my mother called me that night, around nine o’clock Eastern Standard Time, I celebrated my father’s birthday and the end of my four years of toil in a foreign university with a small dinner for two. Even before picking up the phone, even before hearing her voice, even before knowing why she called, I felt everything was about to change.

I knew I would never be the same.

I was never a clairvoyant, nor was I ever a believer of one, but I could tell when something bad was about to happen. Fear manifested as a tingle from my head down to my spine. Sadness, in a slow progression, boiled in my belly and bubbled in my chest. Anxiety nagged more than a gangrenous wound. I could sense the foreboding like a subway train looming from the dark and from afar.

Leaning my back against the angle of the two walls that squeezed my body, I sat on the floor with my elbows resting on my bended knees. My skin thickened and pushed out the hair it concealed. My hands unleashed a tremor they could not hold still and contain. My toes, scared and cold, curled inwards, struggling to take comfort from my soles. I could foresee the ominous like a brewing flu in the New England spring.

Then I mumbled the prayer for the dead: Deus veniae largitor et humanae salutis amator, quaesumus clementiam tuam: ut nostrae congregationis fratres, propinquos, et benefactores, qui ex hoc saeculo transierunt, beata Maria semper virgine intercedente cum omnibus sanctis tuis, ad perpetuae beatitudinis consortium pervenire concedas.

When I was in that state of consciousness, my thoughts ran wild, asking if everyone was okay, wondering who it would be this time, deciphering signs and symbols that deprived and disguised meanings, trying to make sense of what I saw in my head that played frame by frame like a strip of negative film raised towards a glare of light to reveal traces of ghostly images. Then my mind suddenly went blank, denying, dismissing, and refusing to believe before yielding to the unavoidable and eventual. I noticed this torment would come when I was at my happiest. It seemed extreme joy preceded tragedy. Always.

hillwalker
01-08-2013, 07:16 AM
In all honesty, no. If this is the opening to a novel you take far too long to establish who the characters are or what's happening. I don't want to be told what kind of scarf 'She' is wearing. Tell me her name for goodness sake.

Hooking the reader doesn't mean jumping straight into the story with whizz-bang action. Because if you then spend the remainder of the chapter feeding back story or dumping long descriptive passages onto the next 30 pages then you have merely hoodwinked the reader.

Where does your story start? Here:

I was never a clairvoyant but I could tell when something bad was about to happen.

Immediately we sense there is conflict ahead. Then you can describe the telephone call - by all means flesh out the scene and add some colour. But always be aware that these have to enhance the plot - drive it forwards no matter how slowly. You can't use your skill as a writer as an excuse to bring the story to a halt in order to display your talent to the reader. There always has to be somehting else going on. Indeed, the writer should blend into the background until he becomes invisible.

H

cacian
01-08-2013, 08:41 AM
I think if I were to write using I then I would imply it positively.
In other words it would feel better if whenever you refer to the I try a positive tense rather then a negative one. It would encourage the reader to want to read more.

Charles Darnay
01-08-2013, 11:55 AM
As an isolated sentence, I like the first line and think it works as an opening line to a story. But that character goes nowhere and the rest of the next three paragraphs do nothing to keep e reading. If I were to pick this up randomly in a bookstore, I would probably have given up before I got to your change of p.o.v (where your writing seems to improve)

AuntShecky
01-08-2013, 07:13 PM
Well, if you want the exact truth, I stopped reading after the first word -- "She." When you begin with a pronoun, with no antecedent, indeed with no identifying characteristic such as "my mother," or "my girlfriend," how are your readers supposed to know whom or what you're talking about?

Actually, this comment, as with any other criticism I may give you, should be taken with a huge cellar-full of salt. That's because there seems to be a much more important issue going on here, and that is your confidence in your ability as a writer. I have noticed over the last couple of months you have posted several threads asking questions, "Will you continue to read after these first two pages?" or "Is this writing contrived?" and so on. You even asked me a specific punctuation question right in the middle of some other LitNutter's thread containing his or her writing efforts. All of these questions you've been asking seem to be telling me that you are looking for reassurance that you somehow seem to require before continuing with your various writing projects.

Don't get me wrong-- everybody needs encouragement once in a while, even --maybe especially -- yer ol' auntie. But perhaps you need to ask yourself why you are spending valuable writing and editing time looking for a series of pats on the back or cheerleading every step of the way.

My advice (such as it is) is to write the damn thing all the way through. Edit, proofread, revise, rewrite -- whatever you need to do and then post it in its entirely. Then we'll gladly offer our comments and suggestions. But in the meantime, I wouldn't fritter away valuable writing time with questions such as the one in this thread.

I'm sorry if this reply seems blunt, but I do hope you'll accept it in the spirit in which it is offered. And again, you can take it with the aforementioned cellar --a large quantity of grains-- of salt.

miyako73
01-09-2013, 04:56 AM
Of course, all your suggestions and comments are valuable to me. I guess my problem is really lack of confidence. Maybe I need to resolve that before even thinking of writing a novel. I'll put that in mind. Thank you very much.

hillwalker
01-09-2013, 05:19 AM
For what it's worth, you're a good writer with a unique voice - and obvously you have a story (or two) to tell.

Aunty's reply is spot on - forget about gaining plaudits and reassurances from other writers for now. Get writing. That will give you confidence in your own ability and each completed page is motivation to write the next. Writing can be a lonely, soul-destroying exercise. But it can also be immensely rewarding.

I'm not sure whether joining a local writers' group might be of help - not so much for the peer support, but to show you that other writers go through exactly the same crises of self-belief. Trying to sit back and resolve confidence issues isn't going to make you a better writer. But it might make you reassess where your ambitions lie.

It's up to you which path you continue along. I would say - keep writing because your talent is too good to waste, and aim for the top.

H

miyako73
01-09-2013, 02:20 PM
Thanks, Hill. I've learned. I've learned. I've learned what I have is not a dark place unique to me where I question even my characters' inaudible, unreadable breathing. Some call it "quest for perfection". Well I've realized it is "crisis of self-belief". Thank you for showing me that.

jayat
02-26-2013, 01:22 PM
Well, I repeat, I'm not native, I miss some of the information due to my lack of very high knowledge (or that's so, what looks to me) but sounds good, yes, very step to the ground, vivid, graphic. If my opinion is useful in one or other way, I like it.

Steven Hunley
02-26-2013, 04:36 PM
For what it's worth, you're a good writer with a unique voice - and obvously you have a story (or two) to tell.

Aunty's reply is spot on - forget about gaining plaudits and reassurances from other writers for now. Get writing. That will give you confidence in your own ability and each completed page is motivation to write the next. Writing can be a lonely, soul-destroying exercise. But it can also be immensely rewarding.

I'm not sure whether joining a local writers' group might be of help - not so much for the peer support, but to show you that other writers go through exactly the same crises of self-belief. Trying to sit back and resolve confidence issues isn't going to make you a better writer. But it might make you reassess where your ambitions lie.

It's up to you which path you continue along. I would say - keep writing because your talent is too good to waste, and aim for the top.

H

I agree with Auntie and Hill on this one. You (personally) can write and have an unique voice, but it's hard to measure the success of the writing here if you only gauge your success by the number of so-called "reads" or even the comments. You know when you have a good story. My girlfriend teases me all the time when I relate to her the last thing I've written. "Your level of confidence is astounding!" We laugh at my bravado. I go through spells of lack of self-confidence all the time, in life, so why not in writing?

cacian
02-27-2013, 12:00 PM
Well, I repeat, I'm not native, I miss some of the information due to my lack of very high knowledge (or that's so, what looks to me) but sounds good, yes, very step to the ground, vivid, graphic. If my opinion is useful in one or other way, I like it.

I guess it would be useful if it were to present me with a fact rather then a dilemma.:)