Lost Beauty

[Dante]

hi guys and thanks for your attention to this...well i'm kind of amateur in poetry actually i'm completely new to English Literature and i just started reading poems and my professional Eng.Literature major at university will start in 3 weeks..this is my first poem in English(i'm a good Persian Poet indeed)and i'm ready to hear all your critics...


Lost beauty




When your face appeared that foggy day
Rain were falling down on crowded pedestrian
There also was an exhibition
Soon…Art will comes to an end
Whenever it is a matter of beauty
Your face and some well-trained artist's masterpieces
Despite all fake Hollywood movies which pretend
I'm Feeling loneliness and love
Quite a paradoxical, isn't it?
Though all clouds have the sun beneath
But With uprising the sun and shining
As fast as your appearance, you faded away
Once again I'm back on my own way …

Sunrise. N
Jan.9th 2013

[Charles Darnay]

It's an ironically appropriate title. There is certainly some beauty buried within here, and I think as your English progresses so will your (English) poetry. As far as poetry goes, I think you know what you are doing, but the English part is not quite there and makes this a bit difficult to comb through.

[Dante]

It's an ironically appropriate title. There is certainly some beauty buried within here, and I think as your English progresses so will your (English) poetry. As far as poetry goes, I think you know what you are doing, but the English part is not quite there and makes this a bit difficult to comb through.

thanks i will do my best during the major at the university...but is there any you know grammatical or literary errors within?

[Charles Darnay]

Some lines are simple grammatical errors:

"Rain were falling down on crowded pedestrian"

should be:

Rain was falling down on crowded pedestrians

or

"Soon...Art will comes to an end"

should be

"Soon Art will come to an end" (you could keep the ellipsis (...) in, but it does not do what I think you want it to in this case.

Then there are larger problems, such as lines 5-9.

Lines 5-6 are excellent, but the thought gets lost in a jumble of words and it becomes hard to puzzle out what you mean.

Same with the last few lines - it is just awkwardly worded:

"But With uprising the sun and shining
As fast as your appearance"

makes no sense.

But as I said, these are issues with your language proficiency, not your poetic writing.

[Haunted]

Welcome to Litnet Dante. I like the thought process here and the poem is quite a pleasure to read. I get the analogy and the image of a face going in and out of fog is lovely, it also shows skill. Wonderful transition. The wording is a bit clunky but that because you are learning the language. Take heart, you can only get better as time goes by.

[Dante]

Some lines are simple grammatical errors:

"Rain were falling down on crowded pedestrian"

should be:

Rain was falling down on crowded pedestrians

or

"Soon...Art will comes to an end"

should be

"Soon Art will come to an end" (you could keep the ellipsis (...) in, but it does not do what I think you want it to in this case.

Then there are larger problems, such as lines 5-9.

Lines 5-6 are excellent, but the thought gets lost in a jumble of words and it becomes hard to puzzle out what you mean.

Same with the last few lines - it is just awkwardly worded:

"But With uprising the sun and shining
As fast as your appearance"

makes no sense.

But as I said, these are issues with your language proficiency, not your poetic writing.

i really don't know how to thank you...thank you very very much for your time and your attention!

[Dante]

Welcome to Litnet Dante. I like the thought process here and the poem is quite a pleasure to read. I get the analogy and the image of a face going in and out of fog is lovely, it also shows skill. Wonderful transition. The wording is a bit clunky but that because you are learning the language. Take heart, you can only get better as time goes by.

i got it..yeah i have to work on my grammer and general English too!thank you very much for your attention and reading this.as i mentioned above my major is starting in 3 weeks at university(English Literature)what are your advises for me?to read more poems and novels and more Dramas?

[Haunted]

as i mentioned above my major is starting in 3 weeks at university(English Literature)what are your advises for me?to read more poems and novels and more Dramas?

Once you start your courses, you will be reading a lot of poetry, novels and dramas as coursework, so you really don't have to go out of the way to seek additional literary work.

The tricky thing with reading (too much) poetry is, its a highly condensed form of writing and it doesn't always resemble how we actually "talk". Poetry is not natural language, so you do want to add non-literary prose to your reading list. Pick a major English language newspaper or website, or subscribe to a magazine, and read a short article or two each day. Even if you devote 30 - 60 minutes each day to read a general interest piece, it's like learning the basics, and you will get good at using English in your own work.

For general interest, you can give Wall Street Journal a try. I was really hooked on the paper at one time. They are not all finance, they had/have a lot of oddball stories and pop culture and their writing was very entertaining. I haven't read them recently and editorial style may well have changed over the years, but you can use it as a starting point. I think there's a general disdain for pop culture on Litnet, but we are all defined by pop culture, we all wear jeans and drink Coke while we pound out our poetry on our iPad, so why resist it. It actually keeps us connected to reality and makes our writing credible and relevant:

http://online.wsj.com/public/page/news-lifestyle-arts-entertainment.html?mod=WSJ_topnav_lifeculture_main

[Dante]

Once you start your courses, you will be reading a lot of poetry, novels and dramas as coursework, so you really don't have to go out of the way to seek additional literary work.

The tricky thing with reading (too much) poetry is, its a highly condensed form of writing and it doesn't always resemble how we actually "talk". Poetry is not natural language, so you do want to add non-literary prose to your reading list. Pick a major English language newspaper or website, or subscribe to a magazine, and read a short article or two each day. Even if you devote 30 - 60 minutes each day to read a general interest piece, it's like learning the basics, and you will get good at using English in your own work.

For general interest, you can give Wall Street Journal a try. I was really hooked on the paper at one time. They are not all finance, they had/have a lot of oddball stories and pop culture and their writing was very entertaining. I haven't read them recently and editorial style may well have changed over the years, but you can use it as a starting point. I think there's a general disdain for pop culture on Litnet, but we are all defined by pop culture, we all wear jeans and drink Coke while we pound out our poetry on our iPad, so why resist it. It actually keeps us connected to reality and makes our writing credible and relevant:

http://online.wsj.com/public/page/news-lifestyle-arts-entertainment.html?mod=WSJ_topnav_lifeculture_main

thank you once again..i really appreciate it and i will do my best too :-)