Make me a Poem

[Caliode]

xxxxx

[islandclimber]

So, to make heads or tails of this request... Your last poem (Lovers In the Woods) didn't elicit the unconditional adulation and fawning you had hoped for, therefore you have to decided to challenge the sarcastically-called "experts" here to write a better poem than the one you have just spun out, with the imagery provided?

Strikes of adolescence.

[firefangled]

Why? If I rewrote it, I would spend at least twice as much time as you have writing it; that has nothing to do with either your expertise or mine, only how much writing means to you. You learn by doing. I would not take that away from you.

If that is your intention, post it in Poetry Games & Contests.

[hillwalker]

He remembered her that afternoon.

That's the best I can come up with. But I prefer to class myself as a fellow-writer rather than an expert and don't have the time to give your request the full attention you may feel it deserves.

H

[Haunted]

First off, I am not an expert so I"m not rewriting it.

Secondly, WHY. What's in it for me?? Zilch. Zip. Nada.

Learn some psychology if not how to write a good poem: being sarcastic to your readers and hardassss rarely pay off.

[islandclimber]

I want the Wolf to rewrite it, like his Shakespeare series. That would provide for an interesting angle, nonsense, pricks, and defecation all included. :p

[miyako73]

He paused looking down the lane--
An overflowing garbage can.
The trees moving away from his sight--
He was hallucinating.
And at the end a gaunt silver poplar--
Snow-covered till March.
Pointing its finger towards a slim winter's moon--
He lost his mind.
Darkness and shapes of the trees--
Roots, trunks, branches, leaves.
And the silver disc in the sky--
A UFO, a spaceship.
Made him shiver in the cold--
He needed a fur coat.
As he remembered her that afternoon--
Smiling while picking her nose.

[WolfLarsen]

WOW Miyako! That's great!

My favorite lines of the original poem were the first one and the last one:


Images - A long dark lane- a tall skeleton poplar at the end of a long row - above its pointed tip is a hollow, silver disc of a winter moon.


As he remembered her that afternoon.

[Caliode]

He remembered her that afternoon.

That's the best I can come up with. But I prefer to class myself as a fellow-writer rather than an expert and don't have the time to give your request the full attention you may feel it deserves.

H

And yet you have the time to sneer.

Well, well I suppose you use it in whatever way appears to be of use to you.

[Caliode]

First off, I am not an expert so I"m not rewriting it.

Secondly, WHY. What's in it for me?? Zilch. Zip. Nada.

Learn some psychology if not how to write a good poem: being sarcastic to your readers and hardassss rarely pay off.

And yet my little squib has paid off with some hilarity.

[Delta40]

Why don't you simply read the poems of other Lit-Nutters and offer your own critique?

[Caliode]

Why don't you simply read the poems of other Lit-Nutters and offer your own critique?

But, I am overwhelmingly more interested in the astonishing variety of human response. There appears to be so many difficulties with which readers are struggling.

Making out the plain sense for instance - either as statement or expression. Then there is visualisation of imagery. Another troublesome source for critical evaluation. Or perhaps some are reminded of an emotional reverberation from the past, which intrudes on their reading of the poem. Injustices may be committed by stock responses. More obscurely is the matter of technique. It is easy to say that a technique shows ineptitude if we do not fully appreciate the use to which the technique is being put.

So all these matters are of interest.

[Delta40]

There appears to be so many difficulties with which the poet struggles.

Making out the plain sense for instance - either as statement or expression. Then there is visualisation of imagery. Another troublesome source for critical evaluation. Or perhaps the poet is reminded of an emotional reverberation from the past, which intrudes on their writing of the poem.

More obscurely is the matter of technique. When a poem is obviously crap, it matters little whether or not the reader knows the use to which the technique is being put.

All a matter of interest for the human poet.

[MementoMori]

I want the Wolf to rewrite it, like his Shakespeare series. That would provide for an interesting angle, nonsense, pricks, and defecation all included. :p


This effort is dedicated to Wolf :biggrin5:.


The Poplar tree thrust up to the heavens
Like a menacing, skeletal phallus
And, with two great spurts of its succulent sap,
Impregnated the shard of a moon,
Which accelerated through its phases
'til it became fat and full.

Turning and baring its dark side, the moon
Spawned a swarm of fir-lined satellites
Which crashed through the Earth's atmosphere,
Ending the reign of the dinosaurs.

[Caliode]

"When a poem is obviously crap"- it's the defensive "obviously," which is rib-tickling amusing.

And again one would have to ask - why so strident?

[hillwalker]

In case you're not certain why we're here, the idea is normally to give feedback on the original piece of poetry or prose when it's posted for critique on here rather than comment on each and every response.

H

[Caliode]

If you are going to discuss a poem I would thought it was of interest if the writer commented on the comments.

[Caliode]

Value and communication are the keywords. Both dangerous areas as we have seen.

[Charles Darnay]

The issue with too much back and forth on personal poetry is that some (many?) writers tend to get overly defensive and the "discussion" turns from the poem to throwing insults around: cf this and your previous thread.

[Caliode]

Curious that I introduced a little piece on some broad principles of reading

Now that hardly seems to be insulting, but rather pointing the way forward to establishing some kind of guidelines reading poetry or other literary works.

The purpose of the thread is to establish how different writers would rework a given set of images or themes or ideas etc,.

Now that seems to me no different from looking at how people respond to various pieces of poetry not coloured by any preconceptions.

[ShadowsCool]

You gotta have thick skin when you present your writings to the world.

[hillwalker]

The purpose of the thread is to establish how different writers would rework a given set of images or themes or ideas etc,.
Now that seems to me no different from looking at how people respond to various pieces of poetry not coloured by any preconceptions.

It's more to establish what other writers - presumably at the same level of competence as yourself - think about what you have posted. Peer review.
The danger with asking others to rework what you have already written is that you might well end up with a poem written by committe. Hardly worth the effort for the OP or those who are invited to add new input.

By posting your own work on here and assessing the feedback you are at liberty to accept criticisms or stand by your original piece. Defending what you have written is as much a part of being a writer in my opinion as taking criticism graciously.

Remember - we're not picking fault with you as an individual, only with what you give us here to critique.

H

[firefangled]

Lots of experts on here.

Images - A long dark lane- a tall skeleton poplar at the end of a long row - above its pointed tip is a hollow, silver disc of a winter moon.

He paused looking down the lane,
The trees moving away from his sight;
And at the end a gaunt silver poplar
Pointing its finger towards a slim winter's moon.

Darkness and shapes of the trees
And the silver disc in the sky
Made him shiver in the cold
As he remembered her that afternoon.



Write it better.

Wasn't the current devolution of this discussion somewhat predictable in #1 given the tone? I mean, last night I copied this and held it up in the light of a full moon and saw the words, I dare you! appear after "Write it better." You are obviously capable of more so why waste time arguing over something you must have thought was less than good to begin with.

[Delta40]

One can only really look at the poem itself and ask does it work or not? What do the majority say in terms of its strengths and weaknesses? By examining the possible issues of the readers is a fools errand as much as it is to examine the unknown poet who wrote it.

As Hill states you can stand by your work and are not obliged to take on any feedback - I pick and choose what I believe is helpful all the time. Another point worth remembering (and I speak for myself here) is that some of us are better poets than we are critics. Constructive feedback is a skill and as you well know, we are not experts, however I would not so easily discount the reader's POV.

The main feedback you are receiving atm is that your poetry isn't poetry some much as prose. Nobody is saying you cannot write. I imagine you could do well in the short story section using this style but you will have to develop your writing style for the poetry section for it to be better received.

I did like the line: And at the end a gaunt silver poplar
Pointing its finger towards a slim winter's moon.

[blank|verse]

Night Fire
Or, An Act of Polishing

He felt he'd walked this poplared, nightlit lane;
seen the black absence of the restless trees
that was a negative of fire; its smokeless flames
flecking the dark sky white.

He felt that night was running down the lane
and saw and saw the face in the persistent moon.
He felt his raw skin burn with each stuck guttural breath
as he thought of her and he thought of her and he thought of her.

[WolfLarsen]

Lots of experts on here.

Images - A long dark lane- a tall skeleton poplar at the end of a long row - above its pointed tip is a hollow, silver disc of a winter moon.

He paused looking down the lane,
The trees moving away from his sight;
And at the end a gaunt silver poplar
Pointing its finger towards a slim winter's moon.

Darkness and shapes of the trees
And the silver disc in the sky
Made him shiver in the cold
As he remembered her that afternoon.



Write it better.


Untitled...
A long dark line races through your imagination and out into the universe!
Meanwhile, the Moon is barking at you!

He looked down the lane of hookers with vaginas as big as the meaning of life!
The trees were walking away and damaging other people's sight...
And at the end of the street a gaunt face was eating all the sidewalks & people & buildings...
And the finger between your legs was pointing at winter...

Darkness ate the trees and became the shapes of fornicating words in the surrounding blackness...
And all the evil eyes made him shiver in the coldness of the surrounding human race...
And he remembered her...

Copyright 2013 by Wolf Larsen

Took me 10 minutes. I'm not much into insulting other people. I'm more into creating.

[Delta40]

Just how big is the meaning of life?

I read all your poems Wolf and I like this one better than most.

[blank|verse]

Night Fire
Or, An Act of Polishing

He felt he'd walked this poplared, nightlit lane;
seen the black absence of the restless trees
that was a negative of fire; its smokeless flames
flecking the dark sky white.

He felt that night was running down the lane,
and saw and saw the face in the persistent moon.
He felt his raw skin burn with each stuck guttural breath
as he thought of her and he thought of her and he thought of her.




* * *

Caliode - It would be nice if you would let us know what you think of my re-write of your poem. Thanks in advance.

[miyako73]

Really? That's all, and I'm not Caliode. Island's imagery is still way better by a mile.

[zoolane]

Why I would 'make you poem?' when rewrite one of my mine. Do your own working.

[Caliode]

Why I would 'make you poem?' when rewrite one of my mine. Do your own working.


I provided a set of images and a poem I had produced from the images. The invitation was to write poem using the images supplied.

These are stock, run of the mill images and I thought it might be interesting to see how people's imagination worked in a creative way rather than one which was destructive.

Of course I had over-looked human nature.

[Caliode]

Night Fire
Or, An Act of Polishing

He felt he'd walked this poplared, nightlit lane;
seen the black absence of the restless trees
that was a negative of fire; its smokeless flames
flecking the dark sky white.

He felt that night was running down the lane,
and saw and saw the face in the persistent moon.
He felt his raw skin burn with each stuck guttural breath
as he thought of her and he thought of her and he thought of her.




* * *

Caliode - It would be nice if you would let us know what you think of my re-write of your poem. Thanks in advance.

It's not a competition. If you are satisfied with your poem that's fine. It looks and feels ok with some interesting techniques.

[zoolane]

I provided a set of images and a poem I had produced from the images. The invitation was to write poem using the images supplied.

These are stock, run of the mill images and I thought it might be interesting to see how people's imagination worked in a creative way rather than one which was destructive.

Of course I had over-looked human nature.

As far I can see you used other members to create poem, fair enough with images you have provide but it up to you see how many ways uses your creative flow to see how many ways you can write a poem with images you have set.

[Caliode]

As far I can see you used other members to create poem, fair enough with images you have provide but it up to you see how many ways uses your creative flow to see how many ways you can write a poem with images you have set.

No it's not.

It's perfectly clear what my intention was.

[blank|verse]

It's not a competition. If you are satisfied with your poem that's fine. It looks and feels ok with some interesting techniques.

Well, if not a competition, then certainly a challenge. After all, you did demand 'Make me a poem' and challenged someone to 'Write it better'. So it's more about whether you think I've achieved this...

[Caliode]

Well, if not a competition, then certainly a challenge. After all, you did demand 'Make me a poem' and challenged someone to 'Write it better'. So it's more about whether you think I've achieved this...


No. No No