Phoenix Tears

[Vividly]

Hello! I'm new to the forums...and I don't know how to write, but I think that I do. Will appreciate any comments, insults, any help at all really...

Thanks in advance..


Do you long for it as much as I do…?
Those nights we spent the night crying,
dying the way a phoenix does
over and over again, but never really dying

I can hear our hearts beat faster and faster,
I can hear our hearts stop and we come closer,
closer to each other, frozen--
in fear, terrified
then the moment passes,
and we once again dare to breathe

stuffing our fingers in chocolate cake,
we laugh between the tears.

The chocolate tasted like sadness
and the laughter was tainted with guilt
but you said it was better that way,
and I was silent, and agreed

It was cold that night
And we sat on the porch
Me, you, and the blue porch light
That throbbed the way our heart beat
And the night train that passed so swiftly, reminding
Us of life and its weary passengers
As if we needed reminding.
As if we knew not of pain.

[firefangled]

I like it overall!

You need to reassess your opinion of your writing skills. This poem is indicative of a fine natural talent with words. I have a few suggestions and let me start with the last stanza. I like everything except the last line where you switched to an archaic syntax. Just say something like, as if pain was not familiar. There are several ways you can choose to say this, but keep with contemporary english. I also think in S5 L4 you mean hearts (plural because of "our").

Elipsis denotes something missing; if that is not what's ging on (which it seems is the case) doon't use it as a pause; you need a comma there, not a question mark, because you are continuing the sentence with line 2 (no capital on those). You should check punctuation throughout, because there a a few other places e.g. after "dying."

I liked this very much. Make sure you don't undercut yourself with improper punctuation.

There are plenty of punctuation marks to acheive the tone you want in this. Best way to learn punctuation is to read. You can also get two little books: The Elements of Style and The Well Tempered Sentence, to look stuff up about grammar.

[islandclimber]

I liked parts of this. Fire gives good advice above, especially regarding the archaic syntax of the last line, it feels out of place. And there are certainly some punctuation problems with the piece, but those can be easily sorted.


Those nights we spent the night crying,

I might ask if you think the second night is really necessary here? It seems redundant and makes the line a little ungainly. I would make it a little more concise, why not just write: those nights we spent crying.


Do you long for it as much as I do…?
Those nights we spent the night crying,
dying the way a phoenix does
over and over again, but never really dying

The whole first stanza is a little awkward sounding currently. Read it aloud and listen to how it sounds. It's not jarring or fragmented in the way some poems are meant to be, nor does it slip off the tongue smooth as honey, it's somewhere in between, condemned to a neutral kind of stasis that does not manage to grasp the best of cacophony, nor harmony. Again, with repetition, I understand what you are trying to say with that second dying, only it sounds not so swell. Maybe use a word like burning in place of the first dying, as that is how a Phoenix dies and you'll leave the death inferred at first. Or even just use a synonym of dying such as expiring.


The chocolate tasted like sadness
and the laughter was tainted with guilt

These two lines, however, are delightful. I love the feelings invoked here; the image; the taste; the idea. This poem certainly has potential.

[Haunted]

Welcome to the forum Vividly. This has a nice feel about it. The pacing is good, especially with the urgency in describing the heartbeats. I also enjoyed indulging details like "stuffing our fingers in chocolate cake".

A few things jumped out though. I see a tendency to overwrite. "Those nights we spent the night crying" is clunky, but what bothers me more is the cliche of crying and lines like "we laugh between the tears", it's a tad corny. In real life, people don't cry all that much, do they. When was the last time you cried? When was the last time anyone cried? It undermines the credibility of the piece and reduces it to sentimentality. You can still do it, but it has to be clever. Same for "train" and "passengers", that symbolism has been done to death. It fits the atmosphere of the poem, but you need to bring it up a few notches in complexity.

Just a factoid... chocolate is actually a "happy" food, proven scientifically. Culturally, chocolate is an aphrodisiac. So "chocolate" and "sadness" do not ring true and again presented a credibility problem for me.

Also I think you need to move away from repeating hearts beating in last stanza, it weakens its effectiveness. There must be other analogies and the challenge is to keep the piece fresh from start to finish.

[hillwalker]

I think you have the framework of a decent poem here but the repeated words became a major distraction. There's a great deal that can be trimmed away without undermining the message:

Those nights we spent the night crying,
dying the way a phoenix does
over and over again, but never really dying

I can hear our hearts beat faster and faster,
I can hear our hearts stop and we come closer,
closer to each other

or phrases like 'frozen in fear - terrified - isn't that saying the same thing twice? The first by way of a cliche?

Parts of this are very good, but you need to refine what you have. Be brutal.

H

[Vividly]

I like it overall!

You need to reassess your opinion of your writing skills. This poem is indicative of a fine natural talent with words. I have a few suggestions and let me start with the last stanza. I like everything except the last line where you switched to an archaic syntax. Just say something like, as if pain was not familiar. There are several ways you can choose to say this, but keep with contemporary english. I also think in S5 L4 you mean hearts (plural because of "our").

Wow, thank you! You're right about the last line, I added it later on because I felt that it ended too abruptly. S5, L4...I actually had it as "hearts" but it felt much smoother as "heart" and I thought I could get away with it and that it would denote a sense of "oneness" Guess not.



There are plenty of punctuation marks to acheive the tone you want in this. Best way to learn punctuation is to read. You can also get two little books: The Elements of Style and The Well Tempered Sentence, to look stuff up about grammar.

A friend of mine also pointed this out to me once...I can't understand why I have so much trouble with punctuation when its rules are so straightforward.Thanks very much for the titles...I'll make sure to check them out!



Again, with repetition, I understand what you are trying to say with that second dying, only it sounds not so swell. Maybe use a word like burning in place of the first dying, as that is how a Phoenix dies and you'll leave the death inferred at first. Or even just use a synonym of dying such as expiring.

You're right about the second night, I was trying to stress the rhythm to achieve coherence but it didn't work out the way I wanted it to. I love the idea of the word burning instead of the first dying and I'll try to play with the rest and see what I can do. Thanks, I really appreciate the precision of your comment.


Welcome to the forum Vividly. This has a nice feel about it. The pacing is good, especially with the urgency in describing the heartbeats. I also enjoyed indulging details like "stuffing our fingers in chocolate cake".

Thanks for the welcome. :)



Same for "train" and "passengers", that symbolism has been done to death. It fits the atmosphere of the poem, but you need to bring it up a few notches in complexity.

I admit it seriously lacks in subtlety...but what can I do? I mean, the train really was there, you know.


Just a factoid... chocolate is actually a "happy" food, proven scientifically. Culturally, chocolate is an aphrodisiac. So "chocolate" and "sadness" do not ring true and again presented a credibility problem for me.

When one takes it in desperation, seeking relief from the pain ...how can it not remind you of sadness?



Also I think you need to move away from repeating hearts beating in last stanza, it weakens its effectiveness. There must be other analogies and the challenge is to keep the piece fresh from start to finish.

I never would've noticed it had you not pointed it out, but I guess you're right. I'll see what I can do. Thanks!


I think you have the framework of a decent poem here but the repeated words became a major distraction. There's a great deal that can be trimmed away without undermining the message:

Those nights we spent the night crying,
dying the way a phoenix does
over and over again, but never really dying

I can hear our hearts beat faster and faster,
I can hear our hearts stop and we come closer,
closer to each other

H

Thanks for your comment. I agree with getting rid of all the repetition of the first stanza, but I'm worried that if I get rid of the repeated words in the first three lines of stanza two, I'll lose the speed and the beat. How can I get around this?


I'll definitely try to re-write. I appreciate all the comments.

[Delta40]

I agree. I think the poem really picked up at the chocolate cake! Sweet food is a great place to start....Welcome to Lit-Net.