A Child's Voice From an Old Man's Lips

[Lykren]

Small white flowers
spray up by the fence.
I hear him singing.
On the bare field
a crow struts, cawing.
The words begin to slip
the melody shakes.
As the sky is dull and foul
the voice is strange and musical.

[blank|verse]

This is an intriguing poem, Lykren. You've utilised the title very effectively (something that's often overlooked) to set up the interest in the poem.

I think you manage this until the last two lines of the poem: they're just too direct. Paradoxically, saying 'the voice is strange and musical' is perhaps the least 'strange and musical' thing you could say! Lines 6-7 are so much more effective because we're being shown, not told, about the old man. They leave the reader to wonder why the old man's voice is shaking, and to picture the character in his or her head. Saying his voice is 'strange and musical' leaves the reader with little work.

Grammatically, using 'is' works as an equals sign works in maths. The sky = dull and foul; the voice = strange and musical. That's what makes it so direct.

It's quite a bare poem, which fittingly matches the subject; maybe you should consider using two-line stanzas to accentuate this; give the poem a bit of air and breathing space. (And removing the first word, 'The' was a good move!)

As well as Wordsworth's poems in 'Lyrical Ballads', I'm reminded of the early poetry of R.S. Thomas; see if you can read some of his poems for inspiration. But similar to Wordsworth, I would like the poem to be extended and perhaps involve an encounter with the old man, or maybe the listener could hear what the man is singing about; either way, it feels like there's more to be explored here.

[Lykren]

Thanks blanklverse, you've given me much to think about.

[Lykren]

How about replacing the last two lines with:

and a stooping shadow
leans against the wind.

?