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Un6erscore
01-05-2013, 12:07 AM
Hi everyone, I'm pretty new to this site, and this is my first story that I will probably finish, as I really like the idea and also how it's going so far. Basically I'll be releasing a chapter or two every day or so, the chapters are about 5 minutes to read, so i figure it would probaly fit under the catagory of short story, though it's more of a novel.

Here's the first chapter of Modern Dragons (and yes, there are dragons, and they are awesome), I hope you enjoy them.
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01/06/2013
[B]Chapter One[B]

Erik sneaked through the forest, taking time to take in the sights and smells of the plants and wildlife around him as he followed the trail of the small family of rabbits he was stalking. The trail was getting stronger; he could practically smell them. He pushed through a clump of bushes, taking care that he did not crush any dry twigs or leaves between his feet.

Then he finally spotted them. He knew not the name of the species, despite his father's best attempts to drill them into his head. What he did know was that they were definitely edible, and large enough to provide a meal or two for him and his family. He also vaguely remembered his father saying something about the species being introduced to this area, up in the north of Canada, instead of having originated here, sometime before the world fell.

Fortunately his father had purchased land for hunting, as that was his trade before it all happened. It might be rough living up in the Canadian wilderness, but they were able to pull through without starving, thanks to his fathers skills as hunting and trapping, as well as his mothers expertise with medicinal plants.

The rabbits were lounging in a small clearing, near what appeared to be the entrance to a den. Erik had found an animal path about a days walk from his cottage, and followed it until rabbit tracks branched off of it and farther into the wilderness. Now the fruits of the day's labour were hanging in front of him, just begging to be picked and put into a delicious stew.*

Quietly, Erik brought his lever action rifle up to his shoulder, which had been a gift from his father for his sixteenth birthday, nearly three years ago. Aiming down the sights, he targeted the largest of the group, a large brown male, and pulled the trigger.

The first shot made a loud bang, startling the rabbits into action. They rabbits ran around in confusion, desperate to escape the hidden predator that had killed their brother.*
As Erik ejected the empty shell with the lever on his rifle, two of the rabbits crashed into each other in their panic, dazing themselves, giving Erik time to fire at one, reload, and shoot the other.*

All of this had taken place in barely seven seconds, leaving Erik pleased at his marksmanship skills. His father would be proud. He stood up and looked at the dead rabbits.*
They weren't anything large, like a deer or moose, but they would feed his family until tomorrow, when he could go hunting again.
They wouldn't starve.*
This time.

Just then he heard a loud "WHOOSH" over his head, and in a blur some large winged creature picked up one of his rabbits and flew away. Erik cursed, thinking it was probably a hawk or eagle that had spotted an easy meal.*
Not wasting any more time, in case the creature should come back, he gathered the rabbits together, and, deciding to skin and gut them when he got back home, tied them by the necks to his pack.*
As he pulled on his pack, he heard a strange roar in the distance, startling a few sparrows that were resting in a nearby tree. Fearing a pack of wolves or a bear might have caught his scent or the rabbits', he started jogging back to the cottage, the rabbits swinging wildly on his back.

As Erik ran he thought back to the winged creature. It had seemed too big to be a hawk or eagle, and he also didn't think they would have been able to fly so fast with such excellent maneuverability. He would have to ask his father about it when he got back; the man seemed to have an entire encyclopedia of all the animals in this region stuffed in his head, and Erik smiled fondly at the thought.

Just then, he heard the same "WHOOSH" he had heard earlier and a loud thud behind an old and very large oak. Surprising himself at the speed of his reflexes, he pulled his gun up to his shoulder and aimed it at the tree, his heart beating rapidly.

After a few seconds, it didn't seem like the tree would attack him, so he decided to try and see what creature was the culprit of the rabbit thievery. He took a piece of meat that his mother had packed lovingly in his pack should he become hungry, and with the gun still aimed at the tree, tossed it beside the tree. He heard sniffling, and then the creature's head darted out and snapped up the meat, almost so fast he didn't catch it. Erik's eyes widened, he hadn't seen what exactly had taken the meat, but what he did notice was that it had very large, sharp looking teeth.

Erik decided to try the meat again, and tossed another piece at the tree, this time farther away, in an attempt to lure the strange creature farther out of it's hiding spot.*
He heard the sniffling again, and this time was rewarded with a glimpse at a scaly snout before it went back behind the tree. Erik's mouth dropped open. He didn't know what this creature was, but he was starting to have suspicions.*
Having a crazy idea, he set down his pack and untied one of the large rabbits hanging on it. He then tossed it between him and the tree and whistled. The snout came back out again and sniffed.

It apparently liked what it smelled, because slowly, more of the creatures head came out from behind the tree, revealing a light green scaled snout, as well as a large green reptilian eye.*
The eye looked at Erik, and then down at the rabbit, then back at Erik. Watching his actions carefully, the creature slowly stepped out from behind the tree.*
Erik gasped as he realized his suspicions were true; the strange winged creature that had stolen his dinner was a dragon! Albeit a small dragon, but a dragon nonetheless. A mythical creature straight out of one of his grandmother's stories!*

It didn't seem to be too eager to eat him, so Erik decided to put the gun back in it's holster, knowing his father would have disapproved strongly. He also knew his father probably would have shot the creature on the spot.

Apparently it's hunger overrode it's caution, because the dragon slowly walked forward, swinging a long barbed tail, and began to eat the rabbit, still keeping a watchful eye on Erik, in case he should make any move to attack it.
Alas, Erik was finally able to get a closer look at the magnificent creature before him.*
It was easily as tall as a small pony, and about twice the length of one too, including it's long tail, which swung back and forth as it hungrily chewed on the rabbit.*
It had large, leathery wings that were folded against it's body. Long claws stretched out from it's wing bones. Large spikes of bone protruded from it's back and tail, ending with a large barb that was shaped a bit like a spear head. Along it's entire body, green scales glinted in what sunlight was allowed through the trees. The scales were much darker on it's back and the top of it's head, and became a lighter shade of green the nearer it's belly.

Erik had never seen such an amazing creature in his life, the greenish light passing through the leaves of the trees overhead made the sparkling hide on the dragon look even more glamorous. It's long, sharp claws and back spikes made the dragon look even more fierce.
But, even as he admired the creature before him, he noticed that some patches of scales didn't shine as brightly as the rest, and a closer inspection revealed that they were scratched and covered in dirt and filth. The dragon also sagged to the side, as if it were injured. a jagged tear ran through it's right wing, an injury that must surly cause it much pain during flight. The way the dragon devoured it's meal, it seemed like it hadn't eaten in days, and so was on the brink of starvation.

Having finished it's meal, the dragon lifted it's bloody snout and stared at Erik for several seconds, it's eyes filled with an intelligence that surprised Erik, as the legends told by his grandmother depicted them as mindless monsters that brought destruction upon the world with their claws and fiery breath. But, sitting here in front of him, he somehow knew that they were anything but that.
Glancing again at the scratches on it's hide, he couldn't help but wonder what it's story was. He also realized he had unwittingly lost the staring contest.

Charles Darnay
01-05-2013, 12:36 AM
Gotta love a happy ending.

Honestly though, reading this does not make me want to read more of it. I think everything seems a bit too generic. You start off with a generic walk through the forest (of the far north?) filled with vague plants and smells and sights. Then there is the generic collapse of the world. the phrase "economy reduced to ashes" does not inspire much confidence that you know what you are writing about.

Then the characters are bland and quite 2-dimensional.

I'm not too sure what your idea is yet - some sort of boy teams up with dragon to stop the world from ending? - but you seem to have just a rough outline of what you want to do. I think you need to flesh some of this out. Figure out who the characters are - what the settings really feel like - what the real problems are. If you don't care enough, your readers will not care at all.

Good luck.

Un6erscore
01-05-2013, 12:46 AM
Thanks for the suggestions, I'll definitely try and make the characters more detailed, and work on the beginning a bit (I've always been bad at those). As for the "boy teams up with dragon to stop the world from ending" part, well, you'll just have to wait and see, it's not even the end of the world though, simply the end of the humans reign, and maybe something to do with the dragons.

hillwalker
01-05-2013, 07:57 AM
'awesome' dragons ? - it's up to you to prove that.

I'll offer some free advice you might care to consider before continuing any further with your chapters.

1) Adverbs are a lazy writer's way of describing an action. Erik walked through the forest leisurely - why not find a better word than 'walked' then there will be no need to add 'leisurely'?
'strolled', 'ambled', 'sauntered' - take your pick.
But if he's actually hunting it seems a strange way to go about it. It's also hard to believe that anyone would go hunting with a Glock semi-automatic pistol complete with silencer.

2) The opening to your chapter - especially the first one - has to grab the attention. It's fine to set the scene, but the way you have done it here looks as if you've 'Googled' flora and fauna and just added a couple of 'woodland species' to show how well you have researched. This early in the story we need to stick close to Erik. Why is he in the forest? Is he doing something interesting? If not, why should we bother reading any further?
You have to bring the scene to life more subtly.
Something like 'Erik could already smell the prey. It was close by. Maybe in the trees to his left.'
This does four things - it introduces your main character - we know what he's doing - we know where he is - there's an element of tension.

3) Do you have spell-check on your word processing programme? If so, make sure you use it. There are lots of spelling mistakes in this piece.
'tought' (taught) 'cought' (caught) stood out but there are other typos you would do well to fix.

4) You'll come across something called point of view (pov) as you start writing seriously. Normally a story sticks with one person's pov for most of the time. Imagine it's a movie being filmed through that person's eyes. We see only what he can see and feel only what he can feel. In this story I'd guess it's all going to be written from Erik's pov so you have to remember this at all times.

Content that the human would not hurt it, the dragon walked forward. . .

How does Erik know the dragon is content? He can't unless he is able to read its mind. To be consistent with Erik's pov you need to rephrase it to something like 'The dragon seemed to trust Erik. He watched spell-bound as it walked forward. . .'

5) But the worst fault with your opening chapter is the amount of back-story.
Background information has to be handled with care. I like the way you let slip the phrase 'before the world fell'. But instead of allowing the reader to wonder some more by continuing with Erik's hunting story, you destroy any suspense by giving us an info-dump for your next three paragraphs. That's fatal. Again, you have to be much more subtle and drip feed this information to the reader as the story develops.

It doesn't get much better because we are then given Erik's family history. The story has ground to a halt and most readers would give up now. By the time a branch breaks under his feet it's too late - you've blown it.

For an opening chapter in an adventure story I'd have to say it's a little flat. The first two chapters could probably be combined into one. There's a lot of tightening you could do to make the story move along more quickly and to keep the reader entertained. It's just a matter of finding your feet. You seem to have an interesting story planned out. Good luck with it.

H

Charles Darnay
01-05-2013, 10:46 AM
"You'll come across something called point of view (pov) as you start writing seriously. Normally a story sticks with one person's pov for most of the time."

I think changing pov is just as common as the static one.

hillwalker
01-05-2013, 12:13 PM
"You'll come across something called point of view (pov) as you start writing seriously. Normally a story sticks with one person's pov for most of the time."
I think changing pov is just as common as the static one.

'Omniscient pov' is still used by some writers but it's a style that's difficult to pull off in a work of this sort. It's more engaging (and less confusing to the reader) when the narrative follows one particular character - the main character in most cases.

Most agents, editors and publishers expect the pov to remain consistent throughout a chapter or chapter section at least - put that down to the increasing influence of the visual media (film and tv). Constantly changing viewpoint trips the reader - and is even more jarring when it suddenly switches for one solitary sentence as is the case here.

H

Un6erscore
01-05-2013, 07:20 PM
I am in fact going to use two POVs, Erik and the dragon. I find stories are more enjoyable with this style, but that's only my personal opinion. I will keep in mind the things that were suggested and I am working on a more enjoyable first chapter (starting by butchering most of it and combining the two chapters).

Un6erscore
01-05-2013, 10:30 PM
Edited, I hope you like the newer version.

islandclimber
01-05-2013, 11:51 PM
Un6erscore, this revised version is much improved, yet still deeply flawed. You simply must use a spell-check if you want people to take your work seriously. Cought, origionated, medecinal, remebered, targetted are all spelling errors in the first five paragraphs. You use it's to indicate possession 11 times in the last 9 lines of your story. That makes the end painful to read. It's is a contraction of it is or it has; its indicates possession, no apostrophe. In those same lines you also have the spelling errors watchfull, dissaproved and the imaginary word swang (I assume you meant swung?)...

The story may have merit (I'm not a fan of the genre), yet the basic spelling and grammar errors will cause any but the most careless reader to discard it.

As well, the superfluous addition of details and words is a problem. Take the first sentence:


Erik sneaked through the forest, taking time to take in the sights and smells of the plants and wildlife around him as he followed the trail of the small family of rabbits he was hunting.

Besides "sneaked" what I have highlighted in red is superfluous. You don't want to tell us he was "taking time to take." This sounds awkward and clunky. Instead let us know, crisply and cleanly, that Erik is "taking in the sights and smells of the plants, etc."

Also, "he was hunting" to finish the sentence, adds unnecessary length and irrelevant detail. You can leave that unspoken. There are very few reasons besides hunting, that one would be sneaking through forest on the trail of a family of rabbits, and as you discuss their edibility and his rifle over the next several lines it is somewhat irrelevant to mention the hunting here. Let it remain implied. I'd switch out "followed the trail of" for a more evocative word like "stalked", which will also reinforce the implied hunt. "Around him" is also entirely unnecessary, as of course the plants and wildlife are around him if he is taking in their smell.

"Sneaked" is another awkward word in this context. It sounds awkward and it seems more appropriate for someone moving stealthily in order to avoid being caught for doing something wrong. Maybe "crept", or "crept silently" would be better.

So I might suggest a revised opening with:

"Erik crept through the forest, taking in the sights and smells of the plants and wildlife as he stalked the small family of rabbits."

This is a much cleaner and more concise sentence. It lets us know he's in tune with the forest around him and that he is carefully hunting the small family of rabbits. I'm not going to analyze more, but try not to be more complex than you have to be. Try to be clear and concise and show us, don't tell us. Leave things implied, let us discover as we move through your work. You don't have to explain everything at once. Complexity/wordiness works well in certain pieces, the adolescent fantasy genre is not a place for it.

AuntShecky
01-06-2013, 01:14 AM
I agree with the previous posters on the technical flaws in this piece. To that I might add that the punctuation isn't perfect as well; for instance, use apostrophes to indicate possession: "father's skill" "mother's expertise."

The opening scene "tells" more than it shows, and even what it does tell doesn't give us much to go on. It would be improved with a more active scene that engages or "hooks" the reader. Begin "in medias res."

So far, the plot strikes me as somewhat derivative, like "How to Train Your Dragon" without the laughs. Maybe your story will bring something different to the sub-genre. But I'd brush up the technical skills first.

Un6erscore
01-06-2013, 01:57 AM
I'm glad I posted this on here, you guys are like public editors :P

edit: I might also add that this was all written on my ipad during my free time, things like spelling errors and grammar I will sort out later. I'm working on the main story right now, and this is only a little preview of what's to come.

AuntShecky
01-06-2013, 02:25 AM
I might also add that this was all written on my ipad during my free time, things like spelling errors and grammar I will sort out later. I'm working on the main story right now, and this is only a little preview of what's to come.



Maybe you could be good enough to "sort them out" before you post, so we LitNutters wouldn't have to do it for you.

Un6erscore
01-06-2013, 02:07 PM
Oh but that's why I DID post, so I could have multiple people checking it over and telling me the mistakes that I didn't notice. :)

hillwalker
01-06-2013, 04:08 PM
So we're your personal version of spell-check. Good to know you value our insights so highly.
Not the brightest of comments to post if you're looking for meaningful feedback.

H

Delta40
01-06-2013, 05:20 PM
Hey, at least he hasn't called us a bunch of Dumbasses like some others...

Un6erscore
01-06-2013, 07:18 PM
So we're your personal version of spell-check. Good to know you value our insights so highly.
Not the brightest of comments to post if you're looking for meaningful feedback.

H

It was meant as a joke, but i was kind of serious. This is my first story/novel, and I needed a bit of help to get started, and I do really appreciate all the suggestions I've been getting, and by listening to you, I have a feeling this story will turn out quite good.

Delta40
01-06-2013, 07:57 PM
You're on the right track because you're willing to listen to good advice.

Un6erscore
01-06-2013, 10:45 PM
I updated the first chapter again, fixing all the spelling mistakes as well as adding a couple of paragraphs to the end. I was planning on waiting until I finished a couple chapters before releasing them, but I'll let you decide - should I update the thread chapter by chapter, or update it every week or so with several chapters?

islandclimber
01-06-2013, 11:41 PM
You still have a good 20+ cases where you use it's as a possessive. It's is a contraction of it is, so saying it is meal or it is head makes no sense. Use its to indicate possession.

Secondly, you still need to tighten up your sentences. Many are awkward and ungainly to read. Right now your first two paragraphs read exceptionally poorly. They don't hook a reader but rather repel one. Try to work on writing with a little more clarity and precision.

I'd recommend not posting too much at once or too frequently if you want feedback. A chapter every few days or even every week is more than enough.

Cheers.