When I am old, I will require...

[Paulclem]

When I am old, I will require...

When I am old, I will require:

A hover scooter,
(to assist my ambulation),

My daily, virtual resurrection
(A Lazarus 8.5 Programme for Avatar Creation),

The light touch Holding hands internet controller,
(with the full finger-flick sensitivity connection).

When I am old, I will require:

A bus and boat and air and space pass,
(for all my travel and exploration needs).

An exo-skeleton walker,
(to cope with crowds save my knees).

A wink, blink and wrinkle controlled contact lens,
(to control my augmented reality feeds).

When I am old, I will require:

A super - duper fast broadband connection,
(so I don't get interactive feet of lead).

Simple cranial internet menus for music and TV ,
(when I am relaxing, or lying in bed).

A complete etherial wireless connection,
(In case I can work my Avatar when I'm dead).

When I am old, I will require:

Plugging in...

I'll be interested to hear what you think of the structure - as well as any other comments. Thanks.

[Delta40]

Lol well George Jetson, I smiled all the way through. Funny how brackets distracted me from the rhyme. It's like I had to pause each time I encountered them (the explanatory nature of brackets!) so it interrupted the flow for me.

[blank|verse]

It reminds me of a techno version of Hugo Williams's 'When I grow up' (http://www.poetryarchive.org/poetryarchive/singlePoem.do;jsessionid=DF326BA77E20AA6283DDC1854 26E6152?poemId=231).

The refrain works well to break up the couplets, some of which rhyme, which is a nice touch to add to the humour. I found the lineation a bit clunky; perhaps try breaking them so they read and flow better, eg.

A hover scooter, (to assist
my ambulation),

as I found the line of describing some techno thing followed by the line of explanation a bit plodding and repetitive after a while, despite the intervention of the refrain. (And there's a typo: 'inter'a'ctive feet of lead...'.)

Overall though, Paul, I think it's enjoyably humorous.

[islandclimber]

An amusing piece. It definitely elicited a few chuckles. The brackets are interesting, especially with the rhyming tercets hidden within. I didn't catch that at first. There is however, something disjointed and distracting about this piece, yet with the futuristic, technological nature of the content that fragmented thing might work. It's hard to say. Were you going for that interrupted flow?

Either way. I enjoyed the humor here.

[Gilliatt Gurgle]

Well done, enjoyed it.

"An exo-skeleton walker,
(to cope with crowds save my knees)."

[Paulclem]

Thanks for the comments. I was unsure how the brackets would work. I wanted them to add a humourous voice to the demands, but they may be too much of an interruption. I agree that some of the lines are clunky. I'll need to re-work some of them. Thanks for spotting the typo - I was changing my mind about the poem as I was typing it up, and so I'm not surprised.

It is a work in progress, but you've all given me some good pointers. Thanks.

[Emil Miller]

Thanks for the comments. I was unsure how the brackets would work. I wanted them to add a humourous voice to the demands, but they may be too much of an interruption. I agree that some of the lines are clunky. I'll need to re-work some of them. Thanks for spotting the typo - I was changing my mind about the poem as I was typing it up, and so I'm not surprised.

It is a work in progress, but you've all given me some good pointers. Thanks.

How about: When I am old I'll no more roam, who wants to see Niagara?
And while I'll likely stay at home I'll need the old viagra.