Stairway to Hell

[tallonrk1]

Stairway to Hell

Usually down this worn path I see,
Many and many a birds and bees.
But today, no such things I behold
On my way to drink from cups of gold.
No, instead I stumble upon a hole;
A red hole—not a hole for a wholly soul.
Ah, beneath the sodden soil lies a
Stairway to Hell.
Down, down, down, I go, down that endless
Stairway to Hell.

Ringing bells, how they tell and how they knell
Of a charcoal cell, sounding out a muffled yell.
In the deepest depths this pit homes to infidels,
And sinners and criminals in this hole doth dwell!
Ancient lore speaks of a kingdom to which tragedy befell,
And horror and terror forming an eternal hotel!
Ah yes! This and more down the rotten
Stairway to Hell.
Down, down, down that endless, hapless
Stairway to Hell.

With each step, suffocation is induced,
More and more on the Canary that soot has seduced.
Oh how he quivers and how he shivers
To cross over that molten river,
But no deliverance to him will come,
So he writhes in pain and succumbs
To Hell! This and more down the unmerciful
Stairway to Hell.
Down, down, down that endless, hapless, horrendous
Stairway to Hell.

Skeletons dancing with the fragments of History,
Trying to piece together life’s greatest mysteries.
And ghouls and ghosts worshipping a horrid deity;
Swaging their bodies and swanking their artillery,
As the demons laugh whilst manipulating scenery.
The apparition of the deity is clearly one of tyranny
Ruling over this Hell! This and more down the blazing
Stairway to Hell.
Down, down, down that endless, hapless, horrendous, heinous
Stairway to Hell.



Neither sound nor scruple would I make as I near the throne,
I look back behind me: behold the hole shut in stone.
The sultry mantle below me relieves a deep groaning moan,
As I draw closer and nearer towards the impending cyclone.

And as the demon—king of demons—oh how evil,
Comes into view, I recognize a figurehead of steeple;
Not blood-red wear he, nor any thorns bear he,
Rather a crown of gold, and—oh do my eyes deceive me?

Oh tremor, tremble, tingle, as I run towards the stairs!
Back up, up, up, I go, as I rush, race, run out of breathable air!
All my beliefs just died down there, down that
Stairway to Hell!
And I run, run, run
Up, up, up, that
Stairway to Hell,

But the rails fall,
And I land on a wall,
Damning myself to this hall.
So I crawl, crawl, crawl
And I creep, creep, creep
Around this infernal nether.
Life: blowing in the weather
Along with the flighty feathers.

Ah, yes! This and more I saw down that
Stairway to Hell.
Down, down, down that haven to heaven;
Down, down, down that eternal enclosure;
Down, down, down that sentiment sepulcher;
Down, down, down that Stairway to Hell!

[Paulclem]

Hi Tallon. I think that you are too much of a slave to rhyme in this piece. It seems as though it dictates to you rather than the other way around.

Another criticism you may get is that some of the phrasing is rather 19th C,

Not blood-red wear he, nor any thorns bear he,

which grates a little if it is not sustained for a purpose in the poem - ie if the poem is set in the past.

I think the poem makes assumptions about hell - but it doesn't seem to share that with the reader. Why is the stairway there?

I hope the comments are constructive.

[tallonrk1]

Hmm, I felt as though this is one of about the only poems where rhyme came to me spontaneously. It felt right to me when I was writing it :/

I didn't want the poem to "assume" things about Hell. Rather I wanted it to be through the eyes of an observer. As if the speaker in the poem is simply giving an account of what he saw, and what he experienced, in Hell. So the speaker doesn't know "why", he just knows that "there is". Does that make sense?

[hillwalker]

I couldn't read beyond the first four lines. The rhyme might have come to you spontaneously, but the rest suffers as a consequence. If you can't see how truly awful the first four lines are then your quality control is seriously flawed.

The only thing that makes sense is the title - it says it all.

H

[tallonrk1]

If you don't read it in it's entirety, how could you possibly make judgment on the piece as a whole? I'm aware the beginning and other parts of it are weak, it's a work in progress, as are all poems. But I think there are some strong parts of the poem as well.

[Delta40]

S1/L6 got to me. I think it is fair to say you're doing yourself a great disservice as the rhyme factor is overbearing. I do however give you credit for the dramatis which is somewhat blighted by the bad rhyme. As a work in progress, take the feedback on board.

[tallonrk1]

Did S1/L6 get to you in a bad way, or a good way?

[Delta40]

Lol. Definitely a bad way. Too many holes/wholes.

[islandclimber]

The last 2 lines of each of the first four stanzas are truly abject. The whole thrice repeating of "down" is overkill. It's mind-numbing. And then this repeating the same two lines each time with an extra adjective beginning with the letter "h" (for alliterative effect I assume), is quite irritating... All this repetition is just redundant. It does not work. And then to allow it to resurface in each of the last four lines, this "down, down, down" is rather a crime against humanity to be only slightly hyperbolic.

Aside from this, though there is some interesting imagery further along in the poem, the phrasing is too archaic and often just nonsensical. Even in a poem one cannot say "many and many a birds and bees." This is your second line. Most readers would go no further. And then your line 5 and 6 with four different uses of hole/whole is just grating.

The line I do like however, is "Skeletons dancing with the fragments of history." This line is lovely. Create a poem around this line, get rid of the overbearing rhyme, and try to craft lines along the lines of this one.

[hillwalker]

If you don't read it in it's entirety, how could you possibly make judgment on the piece as a whole? I'm aware the beginning and other parts of it are weak, it's a work in progress, as are all poems. But I think there are some strong parts of the poem as well.

I only skimmed the rest of it because it was obvious the writing got worse stanza by stanza.

Ringing bells, how they tell and how they knell
Of a charcoal cell, sounding out a muffled yell.
In the deepest depths this pit homes to infidels,
And sinners and criminals in this hole doth dwell!
Ancient lore speaks of a kingdom to which tragedy befell,
And horror and terror forming an eternal hotel!

It's probably the most grotesque attempt at a poem I've ever come across. I actually thought you might have posted this piece as a bet - to see how badly you could abuse rhyme.

Trust me, if you expect anyone to look at this and take it seriously you are going to have a long wait.

H

[YesNo]

The rhyming is not the problem with the piece but the content. There is no coherent message to take away except that one is going down the stairway to hell.

If you take out the rhyme, which is easy to do, the problem remains.

I would leave in the rhyme, add other formal constraints to force you to keep revising, and come up with a simple message for the reader. The message is what is critical.