The Sun Held Me

[Lykren]

The sun held me
in coiled arms

the trees shook off
their brilliant cloth

music touched the deep
when I remembered.

[Charles Darnay]

The imagery of the 1st and 3rd stanza doesn't make too much sense. The 2nd is nice - but overall, there is nothing to this.

[Lykren]

Thanks for the input Charles. It's a modified version of an earlier poem. This is the earlier one:

The sun held me
in coiled arms

in the garden
far away
trees waited, brightly shaking

their leaves were cold
and water fell from them.

Do you think I shouldn't have changed it?

[Charles Darnay]

If I have to compare the two, then your revised one is better.