Naked

[organizedchaos]

I often get criticized for my naive and young writing style on love, but I wanted to post this for feedback. I just got back from a beautiful trip to the yucatan, and this poem was inspired by an experience I had on 12/12/12. Too corny? Too literal? Should I end it earlier? Thanks for all the feedback!

today I woke up and drank espresso
yesterday I made love in the ocean under the stars
naked, I felt like I belonged to the earth
unashamed, I melted into the sand and became one of the stars
my lover came inside of me and suddenly everything was one
instantaneously, I saw the salt become my skin
I've felt like this while meditating before
I took my clothes off for my Mother Earth and Father Sky
and laid my heart in their essence
I am child of both
and as the rain falls
I know that I am safe

[hillwalker]

Not so much naive as 'too literal'

The first two lines read like diary entries - and lines 3-to-5 are borderline cliché as well as corny. You're not exactly enlightening anyone here.

I saw the salt become my skin is an intriguing line - but then you wreck the entire scene by that intrusive observation (line 7).

The rest is more recycled NewAge/MotherEarth cliché.

I suppose 1 original line out of 12 isn't so bad.
The experience has obviously inspired you, but you haven't managed to translate much of it to the reader.

H

[Charles Darnay]

I couldn't get past line 2: I kept thinking of how difficult making love in the ocean would be. All those waves! And the salt?

[miyako73]

Maybe making love to her is holding hands and doing eye to eye-- hehehehe

[firefangled]

You have received good feedback so far. What's missing in this piece about senses is your senses. One can make love in the ocean, away from waves, as in a bay. However, sand is trecherous without keen awareness, or being in a state of gloriously stupid (retrospectively, of course) passion. Oneness with the sandy part of Earth has its consequences.

There is good fodder here to work with, so keep it up.

[Haunted]

This is way too literal, it could well be written as one paragraph. I get that the experience is special to you, but it isn't special to your readers. You haven't demonstrated how beautiful it really is in an original manner. Worse yet, it's peppered with cliches like Mother Earth and lines like "my lover came inside of me", it's a poetic travesty. Tons of stuff has already been written on the subject, take it as a challenge to find new ways to express it.

[organizedchaos]

Okay, fair enough. Thanks for the feedback, I'll keep it in my journal next time. Cheers!

[Buh4Bee]

What was jarring for me was:

my lover came inside of me and suddenly everything was one

I think it just cheapens the poem.

[hillwalker]

Okay, fair enough. Thanks for the feedback, I'll keep it in my journal next time. Cheers!

Better still, look at it again and consider what responses you have received then look at ways in which you can improve. We are all oblivious to our own weaknesses until they are shown to us by others.

H