River Fall

[Ouroboros1988]

Eddy and torrent wash away

Sins of our flesh, sins of the day

Vortex and surge erode the fray

Darkness and strife all washed away

Maelstrom and deluge course over us

Running through the tranquil hush

Eddy and torrent sweep our souls from us

Washing away that ragged rush.

[hillwalker]

Get rid of the rhyme and you might be able to express what you were trying to say more clearly. As it stands most of the lines make little if any sense.

H

[Ouroboros1988]

Thank you for your feed back.

I'll keep that in mind when I'm writing something in the future.

I'm attracted to rhyme when I write; trying to give rhythm and tone to something, make is a pleasure to read despite the message. However, if the point of it was missed then perhaps re-thinking my perspective would be wise.

Anyway, thank you.

[hillwalker]

Rhyme might indeed give rhythm and tone to a poem, but not if it forces you to write lines that don't make much sense.

Vortex and surge erode the fray

Running through the tranquil hush

Also, having such a forceful rhyme scheme makes this read more like a nursery rhyme, which I'm sure was not your intention.

H

[Pete Ak]

Maybe you have an early draft of a neat little poem here. You have tried to build this around a rushing water metaphor but perhaps overdo it. You use the word 'wash' in L's 1,4 & 8, which is not necessarily too much but combined with Eddy and torrent, Vortex and surge, Maelstrom and deluge & Eddy and torrent again, I felt soaked if not drowned well before the end. I'd try cutting back on some of these and use the space to dry us out with a bit of information about the
"Sins of our flesh, sins of the day" which sounds very much more interesting!! I'm not clear about how or why one should want to 'erode the fray' but I suspect that line and all the following ones are versions of the same basic sentiment?

[Delta40]

I like the words you've chosen but they don't really add up to much in the context you have used.

[firefangled]

Agree with Hillwalker. End rhyme is a very sharp knife to be used with great care.