Dr. finds possible solution to rape problem

[mgv1208]

I wrote this a while ago and this is more of a satirical article than a short story, but i just found it on my computer, and i figured i'd post it

Dr. finds possible solution to rape problem

Dr. Archibald Keith, unofficial gynecologist for the MSU girls volleyball team, claims that he has come up with a solution to the rape problem on campus. Dr. Keith released a statement about his proposed plans:

Many people have proposed their ideas on how to decrease the occurrence of rape on MSU's campus. These ideas include adding a light to the rape trail (as if rapists only **** in the dark) and banning drinking on campus (as if that would stop drinking), but I have come up with a more innovative solution. I think that rape can be fun because all rape is, is sex and sex is fun (or so I've been told). The problem with rape is that's its always some fat, ugly, creepy guy doing the raping. So my solution is that girls should start voluntarily sleeping with the fat, ugly, creepy guys and stop sleeping with the good looking guys. Therefore, causing the good looking guys, who the girls already want to ****, to become predatory and 'rapey'. This will get rid of rape because if the girls want to **** the rapists, it's no longer rape. I imagine the system to function much like a designated driver situation. Before every party 3-4 girls from each group are selected to be the designated 'chubby chaser' and their job is to **** the fat creepy guys, so that they won't go out and rape their friends.

I was curious as to how the student body was reacting to Dr. Keith's proposal, so I went out and interviewed a few students. When asked how he felt about Dr. Keith's idea, Political Theory Junior, Joshua Jordan said, “I don't think we should talk about the 'r-word' because it's such an awful thing. Some people have been 'r-worded' and talking about it brings back bad memories, and they might get offended so we shouldn't talk about it.” Well that's one ****s opinion. It's odd that Joshua feels that way about rape because the only way he'll ever get laid is if he 'r-words' someone.

I decided that we needed a different perspective, so I went over to the Sigma Phi house and asked their opinions. Brock Campbell, Frat President, said, “Well I don't really think that rape is that much of a problem. When you think about it 50% of people are enjoying themselves during rape, which is the same percentage as when I have sex. So really if I rape someone, it'd be the same as if I had consensual sex with them”

I then asked school slut, Ashley Pole what she thought about having to sleep with fat guys to protect her friends from rape. She said “OHH EMM GEE. No Way. I ****ed a fat guy once and he almost broke my ribs and he kept sweating on me. My face was wetter than my pussy. And he kept trying to get me to suck on his titties. It was so weird. Ever since that awful night, I only sleep with football players, but I don't want my friends to get raped so I guess I'll **** a lineman if I have too.”

I guess we'll have to wait and see how Dr. Keith's experiment works out, but before you ladies go out and have sex with fat guys, here are some things you should know. 1. Fat guys are incredibly grateful that someone is willing to degrade themselves to the level of sleeping with them. They'll work really hard to please you, which explains the sweat Ms. Pole mentioned. 2. Do it either doggy-style or cowgirl because you don't want all that heft on top of you. It could lead to serious injuries. 3. Don't leave food in the room. Fat guys will cum prematurely if they smell good food and if they see salad they won't be able to get it up.

[hillwalker]

I'm assuming this 'satirical article' works better in your culture. Honestly, if I found this on my hard drive I'd probably set fire to my laptop.

Lame, offensive, unfunny, puerile. . .

H

[mgv1208]

No offense hill, but seeing as I'm a professional stand-up comedian, and (based on other posts you've made) you don't understand comedy very well, I don't think your opinion here is worth very much. And I'll save you the trouble of making your pseudo clever remark "wow you're a stand up comedian, I guess they let anyone do that job..." Or something like that

[hillwalker]

I wouldn't stoop so low. I'm not criticising you or your profession - merely what you posted on here.

Suggesting that I don't understand comedy because I found your post offensive on a forum accessible to readers of all ages is hardly a valid response. I do understand comedy - personally, I don't get most contemporary gross-out humour of the 'American Pie' genre although I'm a huge Frank Zappa fan. The only problem with your piece is that it's not well written and I didn't find it funny. So you don't seem to have achieved what you set out to do.

My opinion on here is worth the same as anyone else's - no more, no less. I just happen to have posted it on here (following your invitation). No doubt others will love what you have shared with us as you'll get to discover sometime soon.

H

[Delta40]

I didn't find it funny either. Perhaps if I was dumbed down to your generation and had no understanding of the machinations of rape and sexual abuse, I'd be in stitches but given that I've read a sample of your other work, I would say at this stage you want to beat the world with your dick.

Now that's hilarious!

[Charles Darnay]

There are a few reasons why this piece doesn't work. The basis of a good Menippean satire (as this is trying to be) is starting with the truth of a real issue - often a tragic one - exploiting the absurdities of the truth - taking the absurdities to a logical new height.

Your piece starts off well enough along that track.

"Many people have proposed their ideas on how to decrease the occurrence of rape on MSU's campus. These ideas include adding a light to the rape trail (as if rapists only **** in the dark) and banning drinking on campus (as if that would stop drinking),"

Take out the snarky parentheses and you have clearly presented solutions that you actually hear when talking about the issue of rape. This is a great way to start, because it takes a serious issue and exploits the stupidity of the conversation that surrounds it.

" but I have come up with a more innovative solution. I think that rape can be fun because all rape is, is sex and sex is fun (or so I've been told). "

Here you fall apart. The joke is not funny, the line is untrue, and you have not waited long enough to present your own views. You have to work towards it so that your absurd solution becomes part of the discourse.

"The problem with rape is that's its always some fat, ugly, creepy guy doing the raping."

This is untrue and offensive to basically everyone but rapists. Once you abandon truth, your satire loses all its power, and since this line sets the trajectory for the rest of the article, it falls apart quickly into a series of poor jokes and offensive statements about a serious issue, with not enough support to turn offensive into absurd.

[miyako73]

The logic is absurd. Rape is one of the things that a writer should not make fun of. At least to me, I like to think that I write because of the humaneness of my words, thoughts, and intents.

[Calidore]

Some things are beyond whimsy, IMO, especially violence toward the helpless--rape, child and elderly abuse, the victims of the Holocaust, etc. It may come off as "satire" to you, but all you're doing is kicking people who are down and laughing to yourself while you do it.

[qimissung]

I think Charles Darney makes a point that you should seriously consider. Sometimes when writing we have a vague idea of how something works and we plunge in. But we don't always know. Charles has broken down this rather mysterious process. With a little tweaking you can improve this piece.

That said, you might want to consider how worthwhile it is anyway. The others make a point that rape is never funny. In truth, it might be left to a woman to be successful at finding whatever dark humor there is to be found in subjugating and demeaning another human being.

[islandclimber]

Obviously, you do not understand the concept of satire. Your piece is not ironic, nor is it clever, witty, darkly or obscenely humorous. You're having a lark, writing out what you think are the stereotypes of rapists, rape victims, sluts, frat boys, and socially awkward folk (your "joke" about Joshua Jordan needing to rape someone if he ever wants to get laid might be the most blatantly offensive remark in this piece), and then making it all out to be as silly as possible. Writers have satirized things such as rape and child abuse before, but not in a fashion that trivializes these things and makes them amusing. Satire is serious. It takes truths and exaggerates them to the absurd or the ridiculous. This can be amusing. It's often ironic. You base your satire in offensive falsehoods and somehow manage to make them even more repugnant. This piece of trash would be better left hidden within the -apparently- disturbing realm of your imagination. Alongside your "Unstable" piece, which reads like a script for some ghastly adolescent fantasy inspired snuff film, you've managed to seize the proverbial cake with regards to offensive and disgusting content on this site. Congratulations.

Do you put content like this in your stand-up comedy routines? Do people laugh at it?

I think of a scene from the Gorky novella "Creatures That Were Once Men." Petunikoff asks a downtrodden old man in rags and tatters something along the lines of: "Are there really men like you in this world." I ask you the same question, yet for a very different reason...

[Delta40]

Now I'm highly amused. Looks like there are folk in the world who beat you without using their dicks. There's a valuable lesson here to be learned - seize the opportunity and profit from it.

[hillwalker]

No offense hill, but seeing as I'm a professional stand-up comedian, and (based on other posts you've made) you don't understand comedy very well, I don't think your opinion here is worth very much. And I'll save you the trouble of making your pseudo clever remark "wow you're a stand up comedian, I guess they let anyone do that job..." Or something like that

What's that sound I can hear? An embarrassed silence or are you busy working away on your next comedy routine?

H

[mgv1208]

I think perhaps the best way to explain this forums lack of comedic understanding is w this Louis ck video

http://m.youtube.com/#/watch?v=yV5d2AJkWzA&desktop_uri=%2Fwatch%3Fv%3DyV5d2AJkWzA

[mgv1208]

By the way. All the idiots who say rape is never funny and you shouldn't make fun of it are politically correct c*nts and are very clearly pro censorship, in fact I'm surprised some of you haven't called for this to be taken down. This forum is full of dumb wanna be writers who don't understand that rules aren't the end all be all, not every piece of writing has to fall in some neat inoffensive box.

O and Im fully aware of why rape occurs its a power struggle, it has nothing to do w attraction. I was making fun of the idea that it does through this piece but you all were to busy being offended to realize that I was ****ing w certain concepts

[miyako73]

"I guess we'll have to wait and see how Dr. Keith's experiment works out, but before you ladies go out and have sex with fat guys, here are some things you should know. 1. Fat guys are incredibly grateful that someone is willing to degrade themselves to the level of sleeping with them. They'll work really hard to please you, which explains the sweat Ms. Pole mentioned. 2. Do it either doggy-style or cowgirl because you don't want all that heft on top of you. It could lead to serious injuries. 3. Don't leave food in the room. Fat guys will cum prematurely if they smell good food and if they see salad they won't be able to get it up."

Do you think that's good writing? Reading my grandmother's recipe notes is way better.

[hillwalker]

I don't recall seeing anyone who responded to your post advocating censorship. There's no need to when you do such a great job of shooting yourself in the foot with this puerile dross.

As for labelling us all on here as 'p c c*nts' and 'dumb wanna be writers' - it's puzzling that you're seeking feedback from people you hold with such low regard.

I'm guessing this teenage testosterone tantrum reveals more about you as an 'inadequate wanna be comic' than any comedy routine you may inflict on your audience (assuming you have one).

H

[Delta40]

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=b4hNaFkbZYU

One can appreciate the humour of CK Louis and rape here, even if it isn't everyone's cup of tea because he takes a likely situation and transforms it into absurd entertainment. He plays on the humorous nature of sexual fantasy coupled with the practical dangers involved to himself. He never undermines the seriousness of rape.

Your writing is nothing like this. Don't go all childish. You should be especially interested in the audience as a comedian. Here you have one so why insult their intelligence when your work goes down like a lead balloon? Like I said, profit from the opportunity.

[mgv1208]

Ahh you see, it's funny that you ended up saying basically the same snarky non clever remark I said you would say

[Delta40]

mgv are you here to get feedback on how to improve or not? If not, post elsewhere where you think you might get validation.

[miyako73]

I find it sad actually. A clown gets angry after realizing nobody laughs at his slapstick.

[mgv1208]

Delta my comment was not directed at you, it was directed at hill, who earlier claimed he wouldn't make a cheap remark about stand up comedy

[islandclimber]

I adore writing that offends in a clever and ironic fashion. Your writing has not a shred of intelligence in it. If you don't understand why your writing is offensive in a pathetic and disgusting fashion, then it is as feared, you are truly hopeless. So you may certainly put your trash wherever you would like to; there is no need for a censorship of such defecations from an addled brain, time is the greatest censor of all.

Ps. Your linked video is entirely irrelevant with regards to your story. Try again.

[mgv1208]

And actually almost everyone who's seen this outside of this forum has liked it and has laughed a lot, so **** off

[Delta40]

No but my link is Islandclimber. It is the same comedian MGV mentioned and he is doing a sketch on rape. I think if everyone cools down here and stops throwing the insults, MGV has a chance of learning more about satire and as members who post feedback, that's what we're supposed to be doing.

Are we all agreed?

[mgv1208]

The fact that you can't see it's relevance makes you a ****ing moron

[Delta40]

For a comedian you don't have much of sense of humour MGV. Are you prepared to stop with the insults yet?

[miyako73]

I love satire, but this is no satire. It lacks the device that will tell me you are only making fun of what is real.

"Fat guys will cum prematurely if they smell good food and if they see salad they won't be able to get it up."

Does it sound satirical? It is literary bullying.

[Delta40]

Let me put my writing dilemma to you. I'm currently composing a play about 3 or 4 characters in an institution. I have to include a certain amount of satire in this. The audience has to be allowed to laugh at the characters and their situation without losing sight of the underlying serious nature of mental illness.

How would you go about writing the first scene?

[mgv1208]

Omg this is getting ridiculous learn how to not be offended by every little thing. If even the fat guy comment offends you, you need to toughen up. Do you think what I said about fat people is a joke, or do ou think that I (as a fellow fat person) really believe that about them/me

[mgv1208]

Delta I would make them act ridiculously and in appropriately making the audience laugh, then reminding the audience that they can't control their behavior, thus making the audience at first laugh, then feel a little bad about laughing while learning the seriousness about mental illness

[islandclimber]

Delta, that video is quite amusing. Like you say though, he never undermines the seriousness of rape. His joke is more about the absurdity of sexual fantasies taken to an extreme with the idea of this being rape with anyone else as a very real danger to the man who just goes for it. It was clever to some degree the way he developed this.

I think you're right. I would suggest the OP read "Gargantua and Pantagruel" amongst others to get an idea of how Menippean satire works, especially with regard to obscene and potentially offensive subject matter. Brilliantly amusing.

[miyako73]

mgv, with your post above, I'm afraid to read what you can write about mental illness. Maybe you will call the mentally ill lunatic and say it's funny and satirical. No, Sir, it's not.

In satire, you don't call a prostitute a whore. She can be a nun or a virgin but not a whore--just too literal and redundant.

[mgv1208]

again. Miyako there are no rules to comedy. There are different styles, for different people. I think rodney dangerfields one liners are hilarious, i think jerry seinfeld and larry davids observational styles are hilarious, and i think louis ck's style is hilarious. They're all different, and they all follow different forms, so stop trying to put everything into a neat, this is how everything should be done, box.

And youre already getting offended by something i haven't written and have no intention of writing. So calm down and stop taking everything so seriously

[Delta40]

Delta I would make them act ridiculously and in appropriately making the audience laugh, then reminding the audience that they can't control their behavior, thus making the audience at first laugh, then feel a little bad about laughing while learning the seriousness about mental illness

Do you want the audience to feel bad about laughing? It certainly isn't my intention to guilt trip my audience. As you yourself obviously believe, there is a funny side to everything so why bash people over the head for laughing?
In a play, how would you go about 'reminding' the audience mentally ill people are not in control? I think here, like the topic of rape we never take mental illness itself and trivialize it. We can however, cash in big time on all the issues which arise out of the condition, both funny and serious to reveal stark truths. Striking a balance between the two is where the real skill lies.
Wouldn't the play in its entirety be the lesson? That is what I would aim for.

Why not look at your writing in the same way?

[mgv1208]

sorry i didn't mean make them feel guilty. I meant make them think omg im laughing at retarded people, how was the writer able to do that. This allows them to move past being uncomfortable, and gets them on your side for the points you plan on making next

[miyako73]

A real funny line makes me laugh. What you wrote did not even move my lips. Frankly my dear, you are no Jerry Seinfield.

I'll just respond to Delta.

I'm thinking three of them see a fly. They are arguing what it is. One says it's a mosquito because it has wings and it flies, the other one says it's a battery-operated robot because of the buzzing sound, and the third one says it's god watching them. The fourth one comes and joins the fun. He then grabs the fly and puts it in his mouth and says it's a fly because it tastes like one.

[mgv1208]

miyako youre a ****ing moron. I clearly wasn't comparing myself to them. I was saying there are different ways of writing comedy. So dont be a condescending twat about it

[miyako73]

You just love using the word moron. You must be very familiar of its meaning. Do you see the moron when you're in front of the mirror?

[Delta40]

sorry i didn't mean make them feel guilty. I meant make them think omg im laughing at retarded people, how was the writer able to do that. This allows them to move past being uncomfortable, and gets them on your side for the points you plan on making next

I guess this is the basic flaw in your writing at the moment which will hopefully change. A misconception about the people or topic you're dealing with. They're not retarded people so straight away there will be a problem with your work as the characters themselves will not be realistic. In any genre, including comedy, we have to start with the real and tangible truths. Mentally ill people are diverse, people who rape are as are their victims. When you start on a foundation of unreality, the story is doomed and is unlikely to be well received. The distinction between your work and other comedians is that they take real situations, people you can imagine in the social niche and they work from there. It's funny because we can then truly relate it back to ourselves to some degree. That is what will make us laugh.

Does that make sense?


A real funny line makes me laugh. What you wrote did not even move my lips. Frankly my dear, you are no Jerry Seinfield.

I'll just respond to Delta.

I'm thinking three of them see a fly. They are arguing what it is. One says it's a mosquito because it has wings and it flies, the other one says it's a battery-operated robot because of the buzzing sound, and the third one says it's god watching them. The fourth one comes and joins the fun. He then grabs the fly and puts it in his mouth and says it's a fly because it tastes like one.

Lol. Not a bad idea Miyako.

[DocHeart]

Deleted.

(I'll write 1,000 times: INSOMNIA IS NO EXCUSE FOR STARTING ARGUMENTS.)

[Delta40]

Omg this is getting ridiculous learn how to not be offended by every little thing. If even the fat guy comment offends you, you need to toughen up. Do you think what I said about fat people is a joke, or do ou think that I (as a fellow fat person) really believe that about them/me

Lol. Can I just say as an aside that I picked you for a fat guy who was projecting his own inadequacies and I was going to post that but then I relented and decided to be more grown up about this whole situation and I'm glad I did.

Have a sense of humour now...I'm becoming quite fond of you.

[mgv1208]

perhaps the reason this bit works so well when i use it in stand up is because people can see that im fat and im just mocking myself...

when i use this in standup, i clearly change it to fit that format...in case that wasn't obvious

[Delta40]

perhaps the reason this bit works so well when i use it in stand up is because people can see that im fat and im just mocking myself...

when i use this in standup, i clearly change it to fit that format...in case that wasn't obvious

Then I suggest you personalise it so the reader knows you're making a mockery of yourself. I'm sure a stand up comedian would do the same. 'The problem with us fat guys is...'

[hillwalker]

I'm assuming this is actually part of your research as a stand-up comic:

How many different individuals can I name-call and personally insult on-line before my thread gets locked by the Moderators?
I bet the audience love your witty repartee whenever you get heckled.

H