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mgv1208
12-28-2012, 04:27 AM
I have more stuff I want to add to this, so if you guys like it, let me know and I'll write more


Timmy Simon knocked on Dr. Sterling's door. He was sweating profusely and breathing as though he ran a marathon because of his anxiety disorder, and his nervousness about meeting his new psychiatrist. The fact that he hadn't left the couch in two weeks didn't help either. Dr. Sterling opened the door and stood examining her new patient with unease, and pity. You see Timmy was a paranoid schizophrenic with aspergers, ADD, and an anxiety disorder. He functioned semi-normally for the most part, but his understanding of social norms and his inability to handle any uncomfortable situations caused him to have no friends. She had been told all this by his parents who, despite his age, (29) were still his legal guardians. However, she was still surprised, when she opened the door, to see a tall, obese, balding man wearing gray sweatpants pulled up to the middle of his stomach, with a mustard stained Kerry Wood jersey, a yarmulke, and red cowboy boots. She became even more startled when he yelled “hello” at her, with an extreme New York Jew accent, which very much resembled Gilbert Gottfrieds. He pushed his way into her office, and sat down in her chair.
“Excuse me Timmy, but you're sitting in my chair.”
“I like this chair, its my chair for now. The customer's always right.”
“Very well then, I suppose you can sit in my chair” she said, slightly irritated as she sat down on the adjacent couch. Then she continued, “so Timmy, your parents tell me that, you have some difficulty interacting with others, is that true?”
“My parents are f*cking *******s. The only reason I'm here is because they hid my bong, and told me they wouldn't give it back unless I went to a therapist.”
“So you don't think you have any problems?”
“That's what I just said, you dumb f*cking c*nt.”
“Sorry Timmy, I should've been listening. So tell me about some activities you enjoy doing.”
“Why should I stupid b*tch, you're just gonna recommend that I be sent to the psych ward.”
“Timmy, I promise you that whatever you say here will be kept secret from your parents, and I won't recommend that they do anything to you. I just want to learn some things about you, that's all. Okay?”
“Ugh. Fine. What do you wanna know?”
“Tell me about your favorite television program.”
“I like Who Wants To Be a Millionaire, the Regis Philbin version, not that new tw*ts sh*tty version.”
“Why don't you like the new version? … Timmy what are you doing?”
Timmy had started rubbing wildly at his crotch through his sweatpants, to the point that he was very clearly hard.
“It's hard, I need to shoot. Need to cum now, to make it soft again.”
“Um, Um, Timmy that's very inappropriate, would you like to go to the bathroom to do that?”
“NO! I need to cum now. Stop talking. You're distracting me” he said while stroking ferociously. “AH! UGH! OH!” he moaned as he orgasmed all into his sweatpants.
“Oh My God. I cannot believe you just did that. Why would you do that in front of me? In my office?”
“I told you I needed to cum. So I did.”
“Well Timmy, that is very inappropriate behavior, please never do it again. I think I should ask you though, have you ever had a girlfriend? Have you ever had sex?”
“I've had plenty of girlfriends you stupid tw*t, go f*ck yourself. What you think I'm f*cking ugly or something dumb c*nt. I've f*cked before. I'm good at it. You'd be lucky to have me inside you.”
“It was just a question, no need to get defensive. What was her name?”
“F*ck you b*tch.”
“Did I say something that upset you?”
“I've never had sex okay. I've never had a girlfriend, is that what you want to hear.” Timmy began weeping and Dr. Sterling stood up and comforted him.
“There, there Timmy its alright. Whoever you lose your virginity to, will be a lucky lady.”
“Really?”
“Of course, you're a delightful young man.”
“Would you have sex with me?”
“Um. No Timmy, I don't think that would be appropriate seeing as I'm your doctor.” She said as she turned and walked back to the couch. Timmy stood up angrily and tackled Dr. Sterling and began tearing off her clothes.
“Really you won't let me f*ck you. Is that your final answer?” He yelled as he slammed her head into the wall, knocking her unconscious, then he violated her.
“God damnit f*ck. Stupid f*cking c*nt, should've just let me **** you. Stupid tw*t. Cocksucking motherf*cker.” Timmy yelled these obscenities, while pacing the room, trying to figure out how to fix what he'd done. “Wake up you f*cking cum dumpster. F*cking whore. GET UP!”
“Timmy please don't hurt me, I swear I won't tell anybody.”
“LIAR! Don't lie to me. I know you're gonna call the police.” Timmy grabbed Dr. Sterling by the hair and through her head into the wall repeatedly until she was dead. He then sat back down into her chair and began justifying it to himself. You had to f*ck her, she was mocking you. You had to prove to her that you could f*ck well. Plus look at that f*cking skirt, she was practically asking for it. But maybe I didn't have to kill her. Don't be f*cking stupid, stupid. If you didn't kill her you'd be in jail right now. No, I shouldn't have done any of it, she's dead because I couldn't control myself. I have to turn myself in. I can't live with myself knowing I did this. Hey moron, don't f*cking turn yourself in, what's done is done, there's no use rotting in jail for it. But maybe if I turn myself in I'll get less jail time. Yeah less than life is still a lot. No I have to do it, I either have to kill myself or turn myself in. I can't live with this. I'll turn myself in. I'm not a f*cking coward. Timmy called the police and explained what happened. They were there in minutes. They kicked the door in, guns drawn and pointed at Timmy, who surrendered peacefully, weeping the entire time.

Delta40
12-28-2012, 05:25 AM
For starters, you narrated from Timmy's POV then from Dr Sterling's which was confusing. You also imply that Timmy is nervous when in fact he appears anything but. The description of his disorders gives the reader no insight - are they supposed to explain his subsequent behaviour or something? The dialogue is completely unbelievable as somebody that aggressive and abusive, masturbating openly in front of a doctor on a first visit would not be acceptable and an obvious high risk. The other issue is that the overkill of swearing loses any desired effect you might have wished to achieve for your character. Do you want the reader to buy this narrative or not?

A nervous guy on a first consult with a therapist abuses the crap out of her, wanks, rapes and kills her violently while swearing the whole way through before feeling bad about what he did. Consider what you might do to make it more realistic.

The plot would be far better served if you developed the character of Timmy and his relationship with the therapist, perhaps over several visits, culminating in a final act. Consider the conflictual tension which arise between Tony Soprano and Dr Melfi for example and exploit that angle.

mgv1208
12-28-2012, 05:34 AM
For starters, you narrated from Timmy's POV then from Dr Sterling's which was confusing. You also imply that Timmy is nervous when in fact he appears anything but. The description of his disorders gives the reader no insight - are they supposed to explain his subsequent behaviour or something? The dialogue is completely unbelievable as somebody that aggressive and abusive, masturbating openly in front of a doctor on a first visit would not be acceptable and an obvious high risk. The other issue is that the overkill of swearing loses any desired effect you might have wished to achieve for your character. Do you want the reader to buy this narrative or not?

A nervous guy on a first consult with a therapist abuses the crap out of her, wanks, rapes and kills her violently while swearing the whole way through before feeling bad about what he did. Consider what you might do to make it more realistic.

The plot would be far better served if you developed the character of Timmy and his relationship with the therapist, perhaps over several visits, culminating in a final act. Consider the conflictual tension which arise between Tony Soprano and Dr Melfi for example and exploit that angle.

I agree with your assessment of the nerves being, perhaps not accurately portrayed. But i would say that a mentally challenged person reacts differently to nervousness and anxiety than a 'normal' person, which was what i was trying to show. As for the dialogue, I think (based on how ive seen people interact with mentally challenged people) that it's fairly accurate. They try to (for lack of a better word) appease and allow behavior, and as a therapist, she is used to these kinds of things, and tries to act in a professional manner. Just trying to better explain why i wrote it like i did. Perhaps i didn't portray that well enough

Delta40
12-28-2012, 06:42 AM
I understand that but my point is your description of Timmy's mental condition doesn't actually help the reader understand his behaviour in any real tangible way. Far better that we get to know Timmy so that we can relate to him rather than his diagnosis which is obscure to 'normal' people.

Although a therapist might try to appease a volatile person, they will also have safe plans in place and Timmy's actions prior to his attack would trigger them. I don't think the therapist's response to Timmy's masturbation was professional at all - it was reactionary so think about the voice of the therapist when writing the dialogue.

At base level you have a plot but you need to approach Timmy in a different way

hillwalker
12-28-2012, 08:02 AM
Timmy Simon knocked on Dr. Sterling's door. He was sweating profusely and breathing as though he ran a marathon because of his anxiety disorder, and his nervousness about meeting his new psychiatrist. The fact that he hadn't left the couch in two weeks didn't help either.

You begin with a main character with an 'anxiety disorder' who's out of breath, nervous and who apparently hasn't left the couch for two weeks. Which couch? The one in front of his TV or the psychiatrist's couch? Already I'm confused - and telling us so early in the story he has an anxiety disorder doesn't help your plot development or character development in any way. It would be better if you allowed the reader to wonder why Timothy is in such a state for a while longer.

Dr. Sterling opened the door and stood examining her new patient with unease, and pity.

You're telling us she felt 'unease' and 'pity'. That's not good enough. I don't know how she portrays unease or pity. You need to show this - and if the story is written from your MC's pov we have to discover how he perceives her unease and pity because he can't possibly know what thoughts are going through her mind. Describe her behaviour - her body language. Subtle clues work better than vague statements.

You see Timmy was a paranoid schizophrenic with aspergers, ADD, and an anxiety disorder. . .blah, blah

Most people would stop reading here. It's authorial intrusion at its worst. The writer butting in to explain what's wrong with his character and dump a load of background information at the same time. The character is no longer a real life human being - he's a prop you're using on which to build this story. I couldn't care less how he functions 'semi-normally'. I'm not interested in who his legal guardians were or what he's wearing or what his voice sounds like. All that can be drip-fed in later if it's in any way relevant. I want to know why he's outside the doctor's door and what's about to happen next.

Unfortunately all you present us with is a stereotypical script from the shrink-meets-disturbed-patient book of clichés enhanced with a scene or two intended to shock presumably. Your psychiatrist is totally unbelievable - acting like a token female victim in some twisted male fantasy. The swearing is frankly boring after the first time we hear it.

Timmy grabbed Dr. Sterling by the hair and through threw her head into the wall repeatedly until she was dead.

If that's the pivotal action scene in the story then it failed. It's about as exciting as telling us he bent down to tie a shoelace.

Ultimately this is a complete disaster I'm afraid. The plot is wafer thin and I've seen more realistic cartoon characters on 'Looney Tunes' than this pair. The fact that you have more 'stuff' like this is so depressing.

H

AuntShecky
12-28-2012, 05:12 PM
It was very hard to read this. Next time please skip a space between paragraphs and remember to start a new paragraph with every change of speaker. Read over your work at least twice and ask yourself: "Does this really say exactly what I want it to say?" Don't forget
to proofread.