Isolation

[vicizmax]

The waves so still,
They don’t move, and never will.

Even winds begin to choke
On themselves, until they croak.

Black clouds shrivel up,
Whilst the sun, the solar nub,

Drowns in Fate, of light deprived.
Everything’s still, yet I’m still alive.

How can it be in the world of Death
My lungs flourish with every breath?

[Delta40]

I didn't get the sense here. I was too busy tapping my hand to the rhythm and rhyme to appreciate loneliness.

[Charles Darnay]

I become wary of a poem written after the 18th c. that uses the word "whilst".

I think you have a good rhythm, the rhymes work, and some of the imagery is good - the over-wrought language drags it down.

[hillwalker]

. . . the rhymes work, and some of the imagery is good . . .

Even winds begin to choke
On themselves, until they croak.

Black clouds shrivel up,
Whilst the sun, the solar nub

I'm not sure how well these 2 rhyming couplets 'work' - it's 'forced rhyme' at its worst from where I'm sitting.

H

[Charles Darnay]

If it was forced rhyme, the last couplet would actually rhyme, and the syntax would be screwed up to make the rhyme work. The fact that that does not occur makes, in my opinion, the rhyme work - there is just no substance to back it up.

[blank|verse]

This isn't a bad attempt vicizmax, which utilizes pathetic fallacy to imaginative effect (eg. the 'winds begin to choke | On themselves') to convey the narrator's sense of loneliness.

The final question puts me in mind of King Lear's: 'Why should a dog, a horse, a rat have life | And thou no breath at all?'. And I enjoyed the assonantal phrase 'lungs flourish' for both its sound and sense, even if it tends towards the archaic.

I don't mind rhyme, although if it becomes too obvious, then it distracts and detracts from the content of the poem; and from other people's comments, that's what's happening here. However, I think your use of enjambment in parts is something you should keep working on if you're going to use this style again. You might also consider using more half-rhyme like in the third couplet; for example, 'choke' and 'black' could be used together.

The weaker moments for me are where the poem becomes too abstract (how can the sun 'drown in Fate'?) or where inverted syntax is used ('of light deprived'). My main issue with your use of couplets is that the poem is about 'isolation'. Couplets, as the name tells us, suggest two things (by extension, people) joined together – ie. the opposite of 'isolation'; so perhaps free verse would be a better choice for the poem.

Still, there's some good stuff here, so the main thing is to keep writing, and keep reading.

[AuntShecky]

Rethink "croak." As previous comments have suggested, avoid abstractions. The topic is too large and varied to cover in just a few lines. Another thing already mentioned is avoiding archaic expressions (unless you're going for a humorous effect.) Best advice of all? Keep
reading a variety of poems and material about the craft of verse writing.