Melancholia..!

[krishna_lit]

Darkness has become my dull daylight
Nothingness has become my complete world
Fear has become my faithless neighborhood
Melancholy has become my constant companion

Life’s values has lost me my value in life
Goodness of mine has lost me my peace
Help I did for others has left me helpless
Sorrows I shared of people have turned me into a sorrowful person

Happiness is what I anticipated to and fro everybody
It costed very heavily which casted me down the valley
I thought I was a butterfly of happiness,
But the world I loved all along kept me cocooned from it all.


by: KrishnaKanth

[hillwalker]

I like the closing two lines but the remainder is just a list of statements - repetitive and not especially poetic.

H

[Charles Darnay]

sorry, but this is just a list of clichés.

[Pete Ak]

I wonder if this may feel more like a poem, if you paid more attention to the way you put the list together.

Darkness has become my dull daylight
Nothingness has become my complete world
Fear has become my faithless neighborhood
Melancholy has become my constant companion

This is a list of impressions - I've become aware of what you're saying only via the impressions you present, there's little concrete in here to get my teeth into and convey to me your experience and how it makes you feel. It is clear though that you are describing in an abstract way a 'dullness of spirit' but that being said the reader is unlikely to need all four statements to get that message.


Life’s values has lost me my value in life
Goodness of mine has lost me my peace
Help I did for others has left me helpless
Sorrows I shared of people have turned me into a sorrowful person

Similar issues arise here but it's also clear that your Reader is being told stuff rather than shown. What's it like for you having lost your value in life? How does it feel to have lost your peace? What did you do for others that left you helpless? and so on.


Happiness is what I anticipated to and fro everybody
It costed very heavily which casted me down the valley
I thought I was a butterfly of happiness,
But the world I loved all along kept me cocooned from it all.

I get the feel of an explanatory verse - but it suffers from imprecision (for me). "To and fro everybody" seems clunky and 'costed' and 'casted' have been used in the wrong tense. "Butterfly of happiness" has a nice poetic feel but is likely to cause confusion. The last line again has a poetic feel but is perhaps too long, (is 'from it all' necessary?

I hope this critique is accepted as a constructive review, all the best.

[krishna_lit]

I hope this critique is accepted as a constructive review, all the best.

Hi Pete, this review is very helpful for me.. Thank you very much..

[AuntShecky]

What did Ezra Pound tell us? "Avoid abstractions." Please read Walt McDonald's essay on the common mistake many budding poets make:

http://www.valpo.edu/vpr/mcdonaldessay.html