Bemoan

[Bar22do]

Alas, olive branch; you now lie
trodden on, wilting, on the path.
Your fruit is crushed, burst open -
its flesh worse than red.
You won't be in flower again, nor
will the tree you were broken from
heal its slight. Helpless, I hear
the firm, appalling omen of your fall
and, face against the bark, implore
the gnarled, torpid trunk.



(Jerusalem, November 2012)

[Paulclem]

Interesting poem. I take it that the olive branch is peace, which gives resonance to the image of flesh burst open and copper brown. It has ore resonance given it is associated with Jerusalem. I like it.

[Bar22do]

Thanks a lot, Paulclem, for reading, understanding and liking this! A happy new year to you!

[Pete Ak]

An excellent take on peace, I enjoyed reading it.
I did stumble slightly at the initial image of the olive branch which you describe as "wilting". For me, "trodden" & "crushed" are incompatible with "wilting",I see that as occurring on the branch rather than the path but this may be an idiosyncrasy of mine.

[Bar22do]

Thank you Pete for your comment. I will give your remark a thought and look for a better description, though I don't really see incompatibility (all occurring simultaneously, once the branch is broken from the tree it is wilting, and because it's thrown on the path, it's trodden upon and its fruit crushed...???)

[Delta40]

I like torpid trunk Bar. Overall, another rich tapestry.

[blank|verse]

Hi Bar - This is very much 'from the heart', and you have our sympathies for the recent terrible events in the Middle East.

In terms of the poem, I think its heartfelt nature is a strength and weakness. I'm not keen on the archaic language, starting with the title, and the opening exclamation puts me in mind of poor Yorick. I would tend to go for the 'less is more' approach; perhaps mention the olive branch / tree in passing, because I think its symbolism is clear enough. And maybe tone down the modification in the last few lines.

However, I think the phrase 'its flesh worse than red' is very powerful, and I'd be tempted to drop 'copper-brown', and let the reader hang on that image to make up his or her own mind about what it looks like, rather than simply telling them. (In fact, 'Worse than Red' would work very well as a title.)

If you could come up with similarly strong phrases as that, you could be on to a very good poem on what is a difficult subject to write about.

[AuntShecky]

There's much to admire in this piece, particularly the opening lines which are starkly straight-forward and free of extraneous material that might throw the reader off course. The entire poem has the elegantly simplicity that yours fooly appreciates.

Another feature that's always gratifying to find is a line that would sound great if it were read aloud, "ear appeal," if you will. I'm referring to the alliterative blend of the consonants in this line:

the firm, appalling omen of your fall

Only two minor quibbles from my end: the word "beg" in the penultimate line is somewhat off-putting because, although the verb is sometimes transitive (taking a direct object), the apparent meaning here is to "beseech" or "implore," in which case "beg" would be intransitive. But here it's taking a direct object:


and, face against the bark, beg
the gnarled, torpid trunk.

and, face against the bark, beg
(to) the gnarled, torpid trunk.

and, face against the bark, (implore)
the gnarled, torpid trunk.

And finally: from my admittedly limited knowledge of contemporary poetry,I find that it's highly unusual to see a verb-- in this case"bemoan" -- as the title of the poem. So I'd prefer the verb form changed to a participle or a gerund--"bemoaning a branch." If you're intending it to be imperative-- commanding the readers to share in the speaker's mourning for the loss of the olive branch-- perhaps the title could more precisely reflect that.

Or try something more to the point. How about "Eulogy for a Broken Branch"?

[qimissung]

Most excellent observations, blank|verse. And such rich imagery, Bar. It is always tempting to keep going in that respect, but restraint, while somewhat counterintuitive to the poet, I guess, usually does help strengthen a poem.

[miyako73]

I love it. I have a confused feeling about the first word "alas" though. Is this what you want or expect for the olive branch to end up? "Alas," to me, sounds like "finally" or "at last." I know your usage is correct. I wonder if Oh! is better to convey grief and pain.

[Haunted]

Bar, you handled the personification so skillfully, the whole scene comes alive with anguish. it's amazing to read.

[Bar22do]

Thanks Delta, B/V, Auntie, Qim, Miyako and Haunted for reading and giving editing suggestions and/or appreciations. Blank Verse, so nice to know you're back from time to time (I tend to lose the pace these days, so busy)! Dear Auntie, I used "bemoan" as a noun (have right now looked for and found in the dictionary that it can be a noun), but anyway, it's an archaism, as it turns, so perhaps "Lament" would work better as a title... B/V I wouldn't like to repeat "worse than red", i.e. in the title and in the poem. I added an edited draft in #1; it may, it may not be an improvement. Qim, I did try to be concise and restrain the expression of the feeling, but obviously not enough... Miyako thanks for your observation, "alas" is archaic, I got rid of it. Haunted, grateful for your impressions. Thank you all.

P.S. Actually, I need a day or two to add the edited version, too late for this night, I'm afraid...

[DocHeart]

You poetry always affects me, Bar. You use beautiful vocabulary, but it's not nice words just for their own sake -- they actually sit together very well, and help you send out your message - one of grief and hopelessness. On a personal note -- I don't know how old you are, but it hardly matters anyway: you can't afford to lose hope.

I'll join in with the guy upstairs who mentioned something about the archaic language, though, not because I object to it in principle but because this pain is felt by you *now*, and should probably be expressed in now's language.

Always wonderful to read you.

Best,
DH

[firefangled]

This is exquisite, Bar. I cannot add much to what has already been said. I do like copper-brown, but I see B/V's point. Often, omission does allow the readers to create your intention for themselves. Love the last line so much.

[Bar22do]

Belated great thanks to you Doc and Fire for your kind comments! The edited version is yet to come. I'm running after time these days... A happy New Year to you both and to us all!!