Novel Excerpt - First Chapter

[AAkbar]

This is a partial excerpt from the first chapter of my book. I am posting it to get feedback on whether or not it reads well, and if not what should be revised.

It was late November in Toronto, snow had yet to fall but the cold of winter had long arrived. The sun set earlier in the day; it was only quarter to five in the afternoon and the moon perched full in the center of the sky, hidden from view by large towering buildings. The light of the city -- still wide awake and busy -- kept stars dim and barely visible; above the courtyard of the university campus, which I was walking through, the sky was bare and dark, except for the flashing red light of a plane as it sailed across disappearing from view over the east wall. The cold breeze cut through my jacket, sending chilling shivers up my spine, making the hair on my body stand. My hands were cold, even in the comfort of my pockets and my ears red. The library building was warm and heated. I felt the tingle in my ears as the redness receded and they returned to their regular peachy complexion. I met my friends in the study room on the top floor; the room was on the far end of the floor and its floor to ceiling windows gave view to the surrounding buildings and the busy streets below and the night sky. A combination dry erase board and blackboard hung on the wall adjacent to the entrance of the room, which was small, and the round mahogany table at the center of the room took much of the space. The tabletop sat cluttered with textbooks and paper. Aiji, Ricky and Hesham sat around the table and I joined them.
After an hour had passed, and the exam time approached, I stood to stretch my legs. I walked over to the window and looked down at the passing cars and the pedestrians walking on the sidewalk directly below; I looked up at the sky and the beautiful full moon. A bright blue tinted star caught my eye; unlike the others this star was not dim -- I was entranced by its beauty, watching as it pulsed growing larger and larger. It was a moment later that I realized it was not that it was growing bigger but rather that its light was moving closer its trajectory aimed directly towards the study room. I stumbled backwards; however before I could react further the light burst through the window shattering glass sending fine shards cascading down over the room like snow, glittering from the reflection of the rooms florescent light bulbs. The force sent me to my back and pushed me up against the far wall of the room. The light spread to consume the room like smoke and soon I could see nothing. My head began to ache and a loud buzzing sound filled my ears and by its magnitude I fell quickly unconscious.
It was much later that I regained consciousness and felt the blades of grass and twigs scratch against my face. I pulled myself to my knees and found myself surrounded by trees that seemed to run endlessly high until they abruptly spread out into thick green treetops. A small amount of sunlight found its way in between the gap where the top of one tree met that of another. I stood to my feet and pressed the palm of my right hand against the thick trunk of the nearest tree and felt the rough bark. I looked around nearby and found, not too far from where I woke, Aiji and Ricky. They were awake and their faces shared the same puzzled look that was on mine. They were fine at least, as was I.
None of us were sure of where we were and had no idea of where to go. The denseness of the forest made it difficult to see too far ahead. We chose a direction that felt right and headed off. The terrain was difficult on foot and the clothes we wore made it even more so. We stopped occasionally to catch our breaths and get a sense of where we should go. It was a hour from when we started when we happened onto a narrow stream. On the bed of the stream there were small boulders and pebbles, those nearest to the water were freshly wet and those further up and away dry and white. The stream itself was clear and the pebbles that sat at its bottom reflected colorfully the light of the sun. I knelt down and ran a cupped hand against the steady current of the stream lifting it up with a sip worth of water. The water had a refreshingly distinct taste. We stayed at the stream for what felt like hours quenching our thirsts and trying to figure out where we possibly could be.

Thank you for reading.

[hillwalker]

Good to see some fresh input on here.

I'm assuming this is the opening to your novel. Many aspiring writers begin by setting up the scene, but the danger is if you spend too long describing the scenario most readers won't stick around. Unless you can hook a reader early in the story by introducing an intriguing character or situation they're unlikely to hang around.

You write well enough but the material is rather insipid. What can we surmise from this opening. It's dusk - winter - and it's warmer indoors. Then you describe the library furnishing. There's nothing much to grab our attention is there?

In paragraph 2 you suddenly announce that an exam is about to take place. Why we need to be told this I have no idea because it has no bearing on what follows. The narrator looks outside and sees a shooting star that crashes into the library. The abrupt change of pace doesn't work particularly well. It left me wondering why you wasted our time with the first 300 words. Also the physical impact this dramatic explosion has on the narrator is hard to believe. A meteor (?) 'pushes' him against the wall then his head aches and he blacks out.

The rest of the extract is a massive anticlimax. Your characters survive and find themselves inside a forest. There's no more story because you spend the rest of the time describing the trees and the stream.

So far your characters don't exist because they don't leap to life off the page. You treat them like props or items of furniture rather than flesh and blood people. Dialogue would help, but no matter how well you write, if the plot is threadbare I'm afraid it's not going to attract many readers. There's not enough here to make me want to keep reading.

H

PS - it makes it easier to read on-screen if you break up the block of text by placing white space between each paragraph.

[miyako73]

I don't know if what I read is correct or advisable. Hill can correct me. I read that opening a novel with season is an overused, stale idea. I do think you can do it in a subtle but interesting way like Roy's opening in God of Small Things:

"May in Ayemenem is a hot, brooding month. The days are long and humid. The river shrinks and black crows gorge on bright mangoes in still, dustgreen trees. Red bananas ripen. Jackfruits burst. Dissolute bluebottles hum vacuously in the fruity air. Then they stun themselves against clear windowpanes and die, fatly baffled in the sun."

It's more about the exotic setting than the hot season.

[Charles Darnay]

I was stumped by the second sentence. I don't know what Toronto you live in that the sun is fully set at 4:45, sure not the same one I live in.

Otherwise, the description itself is fine - but there is too much of it, and too little of interest. It seems that you know where you want your story to be, and this is just filler because you needed an opening and a way to get there. There is nothing wrong with starting in medias res, and then filling in the back story after we care about the character a bit more.

If you are going to start with a sweeping snowy scene then you really have to be a master of language in order to draw us in with more than a typical study room.

[hillwalker]

I was stumped by the second sentence. I don't know what Toronto you live in that the sun is fully set at 4:45, sure not the same one I live in.

Toronto sunset time is 16.44 today 22nd December according to
http://www.timeanddate.com/worldclock/astronomy.html?n=250

But there are more fundamental issues that need putting right as you say.

H

[AAkbar]

Thanks for the comments, they are very helpful. I have come to agree that the first few paragraphs don't add much in moving the story forward and I think I am going to remove them.

[Charles Darnay]

Toronto sunset time is 16.44 today 22nd December according to
http://www.timeanddate.com/worldclock/astronomy.html?n=250

But there are more fundamental issues that need putting right as you say.

H

My window says otherwise. And yes I know I am being facetious.

[Delta40]

You should edit because anyone in their right mind would be questioning 'what the hell just happened? Where are we?' A great opportunity for interesting dialogue. Instead, your characters choose a direction through an unexplained forest and have a drink at a stream. It doesn't add up at all.

Since I have no real idea about who your characters are, other than students who take an exam at night, why would I care or be interested in them?

The problem with all the detail is you're actually insulting the reader, as if they cannot drum up the images completely in their own mind so you do all the telling. That's no fun and laborious reading. Save yourself the trouble and assume if you say 'campus library' and 'study room' the reader can do the rest. We don't need to know about mahogany tables, blackboards, where the study room was etc.

We definitely don't need to know about the weather unless it is relevant to the story.

Good luck. I'd like to know what the plot is.

[AAkbar]

How would this work as the start? *note that it has not yet been edited.


It was much later that I regained consciousness and felt the blades of grass and twigs scratch against my face. I pulled myself to my knees and found myself surrounded by trees that seemed to run endlessly high until they abruptly spread out into thick green treetops. A small amount of sunlight found its way in between the gap where the top of one tree met that of another. I stood to my feet and pressed the palm of my right hand against the thick trunk of the nearest tree and felt the rough bark.
I wasn’t sure of where I was and had no idea of where to go. The denseness of the forest made it difficult to see too far ahead. I chose a direction that felt right and headed off. The terrain was difficult on foot and the clothes I wore made it even more so. I stopped occasionally to catch my breath and get a sense of where I should go. It was a hour from when I started when I happened upon a narrow stream. On the bed of the stream there were small boulders and pebbles, those nearest to the water were freshly wet and those further up and away dry and white. The stream itself was clear and the pebbles that sat at its bottom reflected colourfully the light of the sun. I knelt down and ran a cupped hand against the steady current of the stream lifting it up with a sip worth of water. The water had a refreshingly distinct taste. I stayed at the stream for what felt like hours quenching my thirst and trying to figure out where I possibly could be. I was deep in thought when I heard the rustle coming from the direction we came.

"what was that?" I thought and stood up. Once again I heard the sound; I eyed a thick branch that lay a few feet from me -- I knew I could use it as a weapon if needed. The snap of breaking twigs grew louder and I was certain what ever it was nearing my position. Then it appeared from behind the cover of trees; a wolf, I would have guessed if not for it being the size if a small horse. It gnarled, showing its sharp pointed teeth that looked to be capable of ripping through flesh and bone. Drool ran from its mouth, drops falling and puddling at its paws.I turned and ran across the stream and to the other side. I ran as fast as my legs would allow jumping over the protruding roots, stumbling over some that were a little too high. I felt the low hanging branches slap and scratch at my faces. Yet, no matter how far I ran I could still hear the growls of the beast in pursuit. Through the trees as I was reaching my limits I saw a clearing. The clearing led to the edge of the cliff I hadn't realized I was on. I stood at the edge and looked down its side; the cliff stood fifty feet from the treetops of the land below. I turned around in time to see the beast burst through the trees; its dark and dirty grey fur lightened in color under the evening sun. I was cornered with no place left to go. The beast paced parallel to where I stood, never quite taking its eyes off of me. After a few moments of checking me out it turned its head in my direction. It was then that I noticed it had bared its three inch long curved claws. It inched closer towards us. Its claws digging into the dirt. I felt my heart begin to pound at my chest. The beast bent its front legs, claws embedded deep in the dirt and pounced. It reached at its peak a tremendous height and descended with its mouth open threatening to clamp down on my head. I looked up as it came down and from where it was in the air and the direction of the sun I could only see a silhouette of the beasts figure. I braced myself, ready to struggle and fight no matter how futile it may be. Then it came from out of no particular direction an orb of light and energy deep blue in color, bursting on impact with the beast and send it off its path. I ducked under the beast's body as it fell over the cliff and tumbled down its side disappearing into the thick green treetops below. I was puzzled by what had just transpired and my heart did not slow down in the least.

"Finally!" He proclaimed, walking into view. He wore a long flowing robe the white of which had worn down to a dirty yellow and adorned many patches of dirt; his face was hidden under the shade of the falcon hood of the robe. "You know how long I have been waiting for you. Well of course you don't. In that case I will tell you I have been waiting here for seven decades. There were times when I thought I had predicted it wrong."

He continued babbling on and on but by the time he neared where we stood I had taken my boxing stance ready to fight. Boxing was in my blood, my father was a boxer and his father before him; I was a formidable force when it came down to fighting hand to hand. He removed his hood when he stood a few feet from us. From the way he spoke of time in decades I had expected an old man, but it wasn't so. He looked to be in his thirties or maybe slightly older; his face wore a tired look and his long brown hair had collected a large amount of dirt and looked thick and tough. He had a scar running down the side of his right cheek visible as his stubble grew around it.

"Who are you?" I asked.
"Who am I? Well yes, uh, of course you would not know. I suppose you want to know the name I go by more than who I am because that my boy would take a very long time to tell. My name, well, is Rodric. I know its not a name fitting a man of my stature but it is nonetheless what they call me." Rodric answered.
"Where are we?" I asked.
"Yes of course I will tell you everything I know about where you are, why you are here and most importantly how you got here but first I would ask we move away from here." He answered.
"We almost got eaten by a giant wolf, and we have no idea of where we are and who you are, so you have to understand why we aren't going to follow you anywhere." I said.
"I understand completely, but I am here only to help. These woods are in the territory of a pack of dire wolves, without me you wouldn't have survived one. How well do you think you will survive against pack of six?"

I wasn’t entirely sure if I could trust him, but he seemed to know more about why I was here and where I was then me and seemed honest enough in his intent.

He led me seemingly in random directions through the wood, and back in the direction I had come from. We walked for a long time and by the time reaches our destination the sun had set behind us. He brought me to a crudely built cabin, that looked as if it would topple over at slightest touch. he walked right in through its door; I hesitated for a moment before following in behind him. The inside of the cabin had a lot more space than I had thought; much of the space was cluttered with old books. There was furniture as well and it too looked as if it had been hand built by an unskilled carpenter.
"I can tell you're hungry." He said passing me a clay bowl and a wooden spoon. "There is stew in the pot over the fireplace and if you want anything else, well there isn't anything else."
I took the bowl from him and walked over to the fireplace. There was no fire going and the stew in the pot seemed thick and cold, but there was no denying my hunger and I put a large spoon full of it into the bowl. There were chunks of meat in the stew which I ate without asking what it was, and I did not ask because I did not want to know. After I had my full of the cold stew, I found Rodric hunched over a book.

" You said you would tell me everything I need to know." I said.
"I never got your name." Replied Rodric.
"Jordan." I said.
"Well, Jordan, tell me in your world have you ever looked up at countless number of stars in the night sky and wondered what else is out there?" He asked.
"Not really, no. In my world or at least where I live stars are barely visible in the night sky." I answered.
"There are stars, are there not?" He asked.
"Yes." I answered.
"Each star in the sky has a immense power, yet in its own a star is no more than a beautiful spectacle. However, there is a time at which many starts drift into perfect alignment and when that happens magical things happen. I learned of this from my master who was there at the time of the last alignment. I used his understanding of the event to predict when the next one would occur." He said
" How did you know where I would be?" I asked
" Well, you see I was unable to figure out the time or the exact location at which it would occur, but managed to narrow it down to this cliff and then I waited."
"You said you waited decades, but you don't look that old." I said.

[Charles Darnay]

You kind of have the same problem with this part as you did with the other. I'm afraid just deleting segments won't improve the work. If you are set on being overly descriptive, you will really have to work at it. Tolkien is a great example that you should learn from. His descriptions are immense - to the point of frustrating many readers - but they are so beautifully crafted because of how careful he was with words and how vividly he held his world. Your descriptions are very shallow and thus very tedious when prolonged.

Also, watch out for horrible sentences like: "After a few moments of checking me out it turned its head in my direction." There are a few her and there.

Best of luck with this endeavour. It can certainly work, just take the time to fully create your world and characters.

[AAkbar]

Thanks for the honest comment, I understand what you mean and will work to improve it as best as I possibly can.

[hillwalker]

I know it sounds drastic, especially since you have presumably spent a long time writing this, but you need to go back and start again. So far all you are writing is 'filler'. You come across as a relatively young writer who has built up a fantasy world with a cast of characters and adventures that would appeal to other readers the same age. But the reality is that you're an unknown, so your writing has to compete with other, far more experienced and established novelists.

The main problem is that you're telling us too much. You take almost 300 words of your redraft to tell us you woke up in a forest and went to get a drink from a stream. Why would anyone spend their time reading such a longwinded description of something so trivial? The entire scene could be summarized in less than twenty words.

Sentences like this, for instance, tell us nothing:
I stayed at the stream for what felt like hours quenching my thirst and trying to figure out where I possibly could be.
You're spinning your wheels. Where's the plot? It's nowhere in sight. Readers have short attention spans - once they get bored they shut the book.

Then:
I was deep in thought when I heard the rustle coming from the direction we came.
The underlined part is awkward - 'coming' and 'came' in the same sentence. Does it matter where the sound came from? Hardly. The reader will only be interested in what made the sound. Don't pull our focus away from the exciting bit.

"what was that?" I thought and stood up. Once again I heard the sound; I eyed a thick branch that lay a few feet from me -- I knew I could use it as a weapon if needed.
Again - quit stalling.
Any tension you have managed to create by introducing the sound has now disappeared.
By the time the wolf appeared I had lost interest and so will most of your readers.

We have some action - not especially exciting because again you manage to clog up your writing with endless descriptions or observations. You're being chased by a wolf that will kill you given the chance. What goes through your mind?
The clearing led to the edge of the cliff I hadn't realized I was on. I stood at the edge and looked down its side; the cliff stood fifty feet from the treetops of the land below.
A description of the local geography. . .
See how you keep driving the plot off course?
Even when the wolf appears you spend forever describing the colour of its fur under the evening sun and the length of its claws.
It takes you 115 words to tell us all this before the word 'pounced' appears. Can you see how this works against you?

Your character behaves like a scientist observing things from a distance. I'm not sensing any fear or suspense. Just a series of second-hand, clinical observations written like a report.
Stories don't work like this. If the reader can't engage first-hand with your main character from the beginning they'll quickly lose interest. We have to feel we're there with him, on the edge of our seats experiencing his fears and his panic. I didn't feel anything while reading this.

I was puzzled by what had just transpired and my heart did not slow down in the least.
Hardly enthralling is it?

And what follows - the appearance of Rodric - is more of the same. You manage to make everything sound rather flat - long-winded and rather boring.

Look at this:
"Who am I? Well yes, uh, of course you would not know. I suppose you want to know the name I go by more than who I am because that my boy would take a very long time to tell. My name, well, is Rodric. I know its not a name fitting a man of my stature but it is nonetheless what they call me." Rodric answered.
Why not have him say 'I am Rodric.' and get on with the story? And do we really need the speech tag 'Rodric answered'? It's unlikely anyone else would have spoken these words.

I suggest you read, read and read again. See how other writers keep their plots moving instead of getting bogged down in screeds of inconsequential detail and banal dialogue. It may seem harsh, and it's probably the last thing you want to hear, but unless you trim this down, add some flesh onto your characters, have them behave like real people and actually have something happen, this novel is heading nowhere.

Don't give up on the story - but look at it from your readers' point of view. If they're getting bored you have to give them a prod.

H

[AAkbar]

So this is a completely different story and I worked on this while keeping in mind all the creative criticism I received from the excerpt I posted earlier. Just wanted to know if this is a push in the right direction. I tried to limit the amount of description I used and kept the story moving in the direction I intended.

Chapter One - Born Evil
Evil men do evil things, it’s in our nature -- a natural disposition. I have done many evil things, from none of which I hold any regrets. There are billions of people on this planet, each with their own unique identity and purpose; some are born with this purpose, some attain this purpose from the conquests of everyday life, and others live their entire lives never finding, or having, a purpose at all. I was born with mine. I was gifted with unparalleled intelligence and incomprehensible powers; I am the progression of humanity, the next stage in our evolution. I stand far above the normal humans and deserve to be placed upon a throne to rule those that are below me; it is only natural to believe as such -- inferior beings are meant to be subjected to the lower levels of the totem pole. Yet, here I am the lone prisoner in the super-super max prison on the darkside of the moon, the Crater; surrounded by reinforced titanium walls, with furniture built into the floor, and not much furniture, at that, just a desk, a chair and an uncomfortable bed. I know what you’re thinking: if you’re as smart as you say you are how did you end up here. The answer is simple, no matter how powerful or intelligent you are you can never be invulnerable to luck and the legion -- Red Wonder and his cohorts -- have been lucky a few too many times. I am also, slightly, grateful for to them for having provided me with such solitude and seclusion; it gave for great opportunity to think and devise the perfect plan to, once and for all, take over the world.

I have always known that there was a chance that I would be captured and detained in a prison specifically catered to my containment needs, so I kept hidden one power from the public domain as a contingency. I stood in the center of my cell, my maroon sweatshirt and sweatpants hanging loose from my body and my bare feet touching the cold metallic floor. I stepped forward towards the cell door and raised my open hand in its direct, palm facing out. Slowly I began to curl my fingers into a fist and as I did the reinforced frame of the door crunched and creaked, and when it had ripped free of its hinges I pulled my hand back sending the door flying over my head and denting the wall behind. The hallway lit up with the red of the alarm lights and the annoying ring of its bell. I walked through the long narrow hallway leading from my cell and through the empty security booth approaching the doors to the lobby. I walked through the door and stopped as armed guards yelled for me surrender and threatening me with assault rifles.

How pathetic, I thought, bringing a gun to a supervillain fight.

I stepped forward and without further delay they unleashed a barrage of gunfire; bullets flew slower in my view, through my eyes, and I jumped and rolled from their paths and took out the guards with an array of martial arts moves -- multiple combinations of kicks and punches. There were six of them; the legion had not expected me to escape and had in their carelessness positioned no superheroes at the prison.

The view of the earth from the moon is astonishing and the beauty captivating. I could survive in space for a short time, I knew, and stood pushing against the lack of gravity to stay grounded and stayed as such for a few minutes, and then took off at full throttle, flying hands tucked to the sides of body and legs pressed together. It took just under two minutes for me to cover the hundreds of thousands of miles from the moon to the earth. As I entered earth I circumvented my direction and headed towards the Antarctic desert. I flew above, and against, the blank white of the continent and landed at its precise center. In any direction and as far the eye can there was nothing but bone chilling white. I waited there for a moment before the ice in front of me began to crack and part. The entrance to my base, or lair if you prefer, began to rise from the depth. Inside it was much warmer and in its comfort I felt at ease. I walked through the narrow entrance and into the elevator and down to the actual base itself. I built the base in an underground cave. The floor plan was kept simple at the center was a large computer monitor of the central computer, around which were many smaller ones; beyond that there were display cases which housed my many failed death rays and other inventions and further still, and behind a large metal door was the workshop. On the lower level was the fully housed gym and living quarters.
“Thirteen months, thats how long I have been waiting.” said Annabell, her voice echoing, as she walked out from the workshop. She was beautiful, and hadn’t changed even slightly since the last time I saw her. She wore her costume, black skin tight latex that complemented every curve of her hourglass figure and popped her heavy bosom up making it hard not to stare; her short cut brown hair flowing down to just above her shoulders. Her green eyes and full red lips contrasted perfectly against her pale skin. When she was close, I could smell her sweet perfume. I grabbed her by the waist and pressed my lips against hers.

“So I take it you missed me John.” She said smiling.

“You have no idea.”

“Then why did you take so long to break out.”

“Needed some time to think.”

“How did that go?”

“We have some work ahead of us.”

[hillwalker]

You still have a tendency to over-write. Why this bit, for example:

There are billions of people on this planet, each with their own unique identity and purpose; some are born with this purpose, some attain this purpose from the conquests of everyday life, and others live their entire lives never finding, or having, a purpose at all.

It's complete nonsense - stating the obvious for no apparent reason. Are you writing a story or a thesis?

How should this story begin?

I was born bad.

That will grab the reader's attention. I'd be tempted to do away with all the repetitive stuff about 'evolution'. You say pretty much the same thing in three or four different ways. It's no fun to read and most readers will shut the book even before the plot begins. This is where it begins - the rest is just pretentious fluff:

I was born bad. Which is why I'm now locked in this super-max prison on the dark side of the moon...

The readers will be desperate to know what it is you did, why you're locked up. They'll also figure out it's some kind of science-fiction story (and those who don't do sci-fi can escape if they so wish).

Unfortunately I'm not a huge fan, especially when it involves beings with superpowers. If you're that much of a super hero how come you ended up getting captured in the first place? And building up the tension only to have the hero escape with the wave of his hand - hardly an enthralling plotline so far.

Overall, a promising start, but it quickly degenerated into a computer game. No doubt you're enjoying writing this and it's certainly tighter than your previous offering, but it still lacks the spark to bring your characters and the situation to life.

H