Log in

View Full Version : Jake meets Jay, A Crossover



F34R
12-19-2012, 04:08 PM
A short story i wrote for a class of mine, hope you guys enjoy it and don;t be afraid to comment.

Mr. Jay Gatsby stepped off the train into the chilly French winter. His yellow trench coat juxtapose to the black night. It was 1:30 in the A.M. He had been to this part of Paris before; he walked some ways down the road, under the arc de triumph, and past the glowing trees. He stopped at a small café at the end of the long block. He stepped from the blue hue of the night into the glowing, orange room. It was warm, but comfortable. He placed his coat on a rack by the door. He already was getting some strange looks; this was usually the response people gave to his outlandish wardrobe. Everyone at least looked once, except for one man. He was alone, sitting in the corner of the room, fairly clear of the electric glow coming from the flaking ceiling. He had a drink in hand, and his eyes were closed. Slumped forward he took a deep breath and resumed his upright position. Gatsby walked closer intrigued by this man’s dejected nature, as he moved in he felt something that could be only identified as comradery, the loneliness this man felt was not strange to Gatsby, he shared in his anguish. The man’s eyes met his and Jay Gatsby said, choosing his words wisely, “Hello- I’m sorry to trouble you but I have the strongest feeling that I’ve met you”. This was a lie, just a means of starting the conversation, Gatsby was afraid this man can see through him, as he feared others for the same reason. The man at the table took a sip of his drink, thought, then said, “I’m not sure” then quickly “your name?”
“Jay Gatsby”
“Nice to meet you Jay, but I’m not sure we have”.
This man was drunk, very drunk actually, but he held himself incredibly well.
“What’s your name, if you don’t mind me asking?”
“Jake…”
A pause, two men on the street walked by the café window drunkenly singing, both Jake and Gatsby looked, then turned back to each other.
“Jake Barnes”
“Nice to meet you Mr. Barnes”, Gatsby said nervously, “Mind if I sit? Drinks on me”.
Gatsby pulled the chair from the table and sat himself, he pulled himself in, the chair squeaking and cutting along the wood floor, along the carved grooves that were put there by the multitude of people come and gone.
“So what brings you to Paris Jay?”
“Just trying to get away from some problems, clear my mind”
“Where would it be you live?”
“West Egg, back in the states, some ways away from New York”.
“Interesting, very interesting…”
The conversation continued on through the night, Jay told Jake of his time in the war, Jake of his, and a solemn moment crept in when the nature of Jakes problem became known, Gatsby promised never to speak of it. Jake told Gatsby of Brett, and Gatsby told Jake of Daisy. Two loves that neither could have. These two men were quickly becoming friends. Jake offered Gatsby to stay on the couch of his apartment, he was quick to accept.
A week had past, the two men had a great time, finding a healing friendship in each other. When Jake awoke one morning Gatsby was still asleep, he crept outside, and down to the café for coffee, Gatsby joined him sometime later.
“I will be leaving today,” Gatsby said calmly, “please do come to one of my parties when you return from France”.
“I’ll be sure to”
They sat till about 1 then met with Brett, and a friend of Gatsby’s from the states who had just arrived. They drank, and danced, and ate, and drank some more. It was more than Gatsby could ever get out of his parties, talking and lying to all of those people. This past week he hasn’t had to pretend, he was free, he wished he could stay. When the evening was coming to a close Gatsby’s bags were brought from the room and driven to the train station. Jake met Gatsby outside the buildings doors to say goodbye.
“It’s been fun Gatsby”.
“One of the best times of my life”
“Remember when we first spoke,” he stopped, “the two men that came singing down the street?”
“I think I know where this is going,” Jake said with a smile,”after all you only live once”.
Both Jake Barnes and Jay Gatsby through their sense into the gutter and drunkenly sang down the street, leaning on each other’s shoulders they let go of their fears, uncertainties, and many times crippling fear of what people think. There songs reached the night sky, and painted a picture of the friendship. The lights were never brighter; they were lighter than air, if only they could be like this forever. If only we could all be like that forever.

AuntShecky
12-19-2012, 04:59 PM
I see that this is your first post, so allow me to welcome you to the LitNet, despite my lack of official status -- just a fellow LitNutter. Hope you visit this wonderful site regularly. It's a lot of fun ,and you might actually learn something. Warning-- The LitNet is addictive.

About your story:
First off, let me make a simple request to you and to others who are thinking of posting. Please, please skip a space between paragraphs so that your work can be more easily read.

The chosen topic is interesting: two fictional characters meeting each other. This is a post-modern notion, often called "metafiction," usually employed for its comic effect. I wish I could say that your piece makes me laugh (intentionally, I mean.) Jay Gatsby and Jake Barnes are two of the most intriguing characters in American literature; however, the conversation as imagined here strikes this particular reader as unremarkably banal.

Secondly, the story would be more compelling as an actual parody, that is, imitating the prose style of either or both of the creators of your characters. Again, I'm sorry to say that in this piece of writing I see little resemblance to the styles of Fitzgerald or of Hemingway. Concerning the latter, the string of successive simple declarative sentences in the first paragraph doesn't count. On a positive note, I appreciate the attempt to blend the endings of both The Great Gatsby and The Sun Also Rises, although the execution is deeply flawed.

Another important difference is that neither writer would be so careless as to write prose with inconsistent verb tense, punctuation errors, and misspellings, for example, confusing "their" and "there."

You might be interested to know that even though Jay and Jake could never really meet in real life, Ernest and Scott actually did; in fact they were contemporaries and both lived in Paris at the same time (for a while.) Not surprisingly, there was an undercurrent of professional rivalry between them. In Hemingway's A Moveable Feast, you can read all about this friendship. (Today's Facebook fans would probably characterize them as "frenemies.)

Thanks for the chance to read and comment. Hope you'll post some more work.

Delta40
12-19-2012, 05:00 PM
Don't start a story with the weather!

I got muddled with the Jake and the Jay, especially because you sometimes refer to your character as Gatsby and Jay throughout. I didn't know whether this was comedy or not!

You've written this story using past and present tense (e.g Gatsby was afraid this man can see through him)

You're also writing the thoughts of both characters which is confusing so the dialogue isn't clear on who is talking at the beginning.

As far as the story goes, it sounds like these two want to engage in a same sex fling but you skim through quite a bit of dialogue, although some of it is effective but not enough to really make it clear or have the reader connect with the characters. I didn't click about the two men singing down the street in the beginning.

The ending is a bit cheesy too. I wouldn't recommend an 'If only' ending because it sounds personal then.

Perhaps some dialogue and detail changes. This story deserves more tension in it as well as some back history. Rather than tell us a solemn moment crept in, try to show how these moments came to be through writing about them instead. The reader will be less alienated from the characters and more understanding of the direction of the story.

I definitely like the potential of the story.