Gone...begining my new work

[Darkened]

I felt myself slipping, falling away from life as the current took me. I could see the car floating away with the one I loved from my grasp and I helplessly reached out to it. I only seemed to get further away as the water carried me and filled my lungs as it violently shook me. I could hear my gargled screams and see the last of my air that floated up in bubbles in front of me. My lungs where filled and my eyes burned with the salt that rushed through water, I was ready and willing to except my fate. I had given up and let the harsh current taken me into the black water that ended at the cliff. I could see the black rock shine in the dim light that pierced the surface of the water. I could feel the sharp edge crave a trail into my chest as it tore away flash when the current dragged me over the dark rocks. The blue water began to turn red as blood spread with the current, surrounding me in a cloud of my own life. The current had brought me to flat rock that was above the waters reach after the current began to die down. I laid there, waiting for something to happen, something that would put me out of my misery, something to end my pain. I looked up at the sky and could see the sun set over the thin blue horizon giving the water a glaring sparkle. I could feel my warm blood begin to create a pool around me as it spread from the opening in my chest. My body began to go cold and feel soon left part of my body. I gave out one last cough that cleared my longs of the water and blood that filled them. My vision was blackening and I could see the light of the sunset begin to fade. I was dying and I knew I was gone when the world around me turned to nothing but a black hole that surrounded me. I could feel myself take my last breath before I felt nothing and my mind cleared of all thought and all feeling. I could hear nothing, but as soon as I had given up I could start to hear a ringing that filled the hole I had fallen in. The ringing continued as feeling and thought rushed back into me. It got louder and louder before finally the sudden rush forced my eyes open.

[hillwalker]

In future you might consider splitting a block of text with some white spaces to make it easier on the eye. Like this.

Otherwise it's almost impossible to read on a monitor.

As for your 'new work' - not sure what that means. Is this the opening to a novel? A short story? A stand-alone piece?

Whatever it's meant to be it needs a lot of work to bring it up to scratch, I'm afraid. There are lots of typos and various other grammatical issues that need repair work - but also what you have written is so over the top that it's like being hit over the head with a banjo. From what I can gather this is supposed to be about someone who's had a car smash and has been swept away by a river. But it's so overblown that I was rather hoping he'd drown after the third sentence.

You need to look at the way you're over-describing everything. After a while too many adjectives ('gargled screams' - 'harsh currents'), adverbs, (helplessly reached out' - 'violently shook me') and irrelevant details ('I had given up and let the harsh current taken me into the black water that ended at the cliff') numbs the brain and we can no longer take in anything.

I could see the car floating away with the one I loved from my grasp ... makes no sense the way it's written here.

I could feel the sharp edge crave a trail into my chest as it tore away flash when the current dragged me over the dark rocks. - did you mean 'carve'? It's still difficult to picture.

For such a long piece nothing very much happens. This would work much more effectively if you tightened it up, got rid of the repetitions and better still, read lots of books to see how other writers handle scenes like this.

H

[Delta40]

The major discrepancy for me is that too many sentences begin with 'I' and 'My'. This makes for very boring reading and suggests you're telling the reader step by step rather than sweeping the reader off their feet on a journey from beginning to end.

Consider putting this piece into third person. This would allow a better flow of sentence structure and also enable you to develop his/her character as the event unfolds.