Take a Seat

[demonic790]

Take a seat and shelter under my leaves.
There's a bench right here for you.
I'll shroud you in a golden mist of colour
And remedy you with syllabic tunes from my ancient branching fingers
That rustle like wind chimes to the grazing breeze.
My primal roots are sturdy - Let me be your base for relaxation.
You can drown yourself in thought here.
Indulge yourself to exasperation and let my spongy soil absorb your tears.
I'm not moving anywhere.
Just close your eyes and listen...
I'll whisper rhythmic blues in your ears if you sit down and stay with me.
I can be your comfort.

Take a seat and shelter under my branches.
Autumn's dry air left me alone without a blanket.
I've lost all my leaves - all I have is a wooden coat
Stained with boring textures and dull hues that sink into shadow when twilight hits dawn.
I'm naked to the eye and now the bench feels my warmth.
My leaves have comfortably gathered around its four frame timber logs.
Will you pick them up for me?
I should be their comfort.

Take a seat and shelter beside my trunk.
I've been severed in two by man's invention.
Their pesky tools cleaved my crown from my body
And I'm no longer king of my forest.
I'm bare in bark and height, without a branching harmony to sooth your blues.
They've taken my heartwood - ripped it apart from my wooden core
Now I'm left without a remedy.

But there's still a bench right here.
Take a seat and shelter beside my trunk...
You can be my comfort.

[tailor STATELY]

Very touching.

Ta ! (short for tarradiddle),
tailor STATELY

[Pete Ak]

Quite like this even though it seems at times to me that generally, you're trying a bit too hard to be poetic.
More specifically, in the first line you invite us to shelter under your leaves then follow this with a statement about the bench ..."for you and me" (!) I found the image of sharing a bench with a tree odd. Also I was immediately tempted into a 'rhythm of reading' by the half rhyme 'leaves / me' which, I'm guessing isn't intended. There are phrases and allusions in the rest of the verse which 'jar' and reflect what I mean by trying too hard. eg., You use the words 'golden' and 'shower' in the same line, I'd have avoided that; notwithstanding -
"...And remedy you with syllabic tunes from my ancient framework fingers
That whisper rhythmic blues in echoing the soft breeze grazing against my branches -
They rustle like wind chimes."
simply feels too full of poetic description. I'm sure some adjectival pruning would improve the read. Hope you found this constructive.

[hillwalker]

I liked this, mostly. But I fear you dragged out the metaphor too far in verse three. It was as if you were trying to come up with as many allusions to trees and wood as possible just to stretch the poem out. The verse weakens the poem as a whole.

Trimming rather than chain-sawing should remedy things.

H

[demonic790]

@Tailor
Thank you very much!

@Pete
I appreciate your criticism. I understood that the poem was quite verbose. I have difficulty halting the obsession with using over bombastic sentences. My concepts drown in the descriptions. Thank you for pointing this out for me. I will ensure that I correct it in the future.

@Hill
Again, I'm very thankful for your critique. I'm not entirely sure how to accept your feedback on the third verse, however. Of course, this is a personal opinion of yours (though I would not mind at all your help in fixing the verse). I did go about writing the verse with references to a tree's structure (heartwood, etc). I very much enjoy having the verse in there as it summarizes the general purpose of the poem, which is the tree's sudden reliance on a human to comfort it after losing all of its distinct features. Its beauty is lost.

If possible, I would love it if we could PM each other discussing the matter. I really would like to fix the poem. It's a learning phase for me and your help is always greatly appreciated.

[Buh4Bee]

This poem reminded me a bit of book written by an American children's author, Shel Silverstein The Giving Tree (1964). It is a touching story along along similar thematic lines. I enjoyed reading this poem.

[hillwalker]

By all means keep stanza 3 - but perhaps trim it so we keep closer to the tree.

Something along the lines of this might work better (but it's your poem so I'll leave it to you to tinker where it suits):

Take a seat and shelter.
No longer do I rule the forest,
my crown cleaved from my trunk.
I'm bare in bark,
without the harmony of branches;
heartwood ripped apart,
my wooden core no more.

But still the bench is here.
Take seat and shelter,
be my comfort.

H