Wife on my Back.

[Pete Ak]

2 pieces here:

Wife on my Back

I have my wife on my back,
two ankle-biters have pirated my feet.
Their arms enfold my calves and
their grins are as wide as verity.
Along the path four gnarled hands
reach without grasping.
I trudge contentedly.

Following revisions it looks like this;

Wife on my back,
two ankle-biters have pirated my feet.
Arms enfold my calves,
grins as wide as verity.
Along the path four gnarled hands
reach without grasping.
I trudge contentedly.

If There Was a Moment.

If there was a moment of truth.
I didn’t see it skulking behind its own shadow.
Had it been given to me
I’d have expected the gift-wrap to be padlocked.
I believed from childhood its whispers could touch me.
I expect someone threw a radio into my ears
But I probably broke the volume knob
experimenting.

Virgin phrases break through
While walking hills.
Are they my best option with which
to enslave the moment?
Sorry I must rush away now.
I have to meditate.

[hillwalker]

I prefer the first of the pair - a clever take on the burdens of family commitment.

But I think if you take the plunge and really trim this to the bone it can be a more effective poem. It's poetry after all, so you can dispense with the needless words:

(I have) my wife on my back,
two ankle-biters have pirated my feet.
(Their) arms enfold my calves (and
their) grins (are) as wide as verity.
(Along the path) four gnarled hands
reach without grasping.
I trudge contentedly.

H

[Pete Ak]

Thanks H _ of course my initial reaction was "Bloody hell - it can be shorter?!!" But I can see how you can be quite right, I need to get away from the feeling that I have to make sure my poems are understood. I want to keep 'along the path' tho - I'd like to think the phrase offers something.

The piece which you choose not to comment upon is a kind of thank you - to you. neither of these would have been composed had I not joined Lit Net.

[hillwalker]

Thanks Pete, that kind of compliment has to be a first on here. I'm touched.

And sometimes short is much sweeter - look at the phrase 'grins as wide as verity' and ask yourself is it better with the 'are'.

'along the path' - by all means keep it in. I was going to suggest you put it right at the end - leading the reader with you away from the poem. . . just a thought.

H

[Jerrybaldy]

Am I allowed a wry smile that Hill missed his own tribute? Am I ? A rare miss by The Man and oh the irony :yesnod:

I think it may have went like this... Hill reading the poem stops at the line 'While walking hills' ponders for a second then thinks 'Nahh' and moves on. At least that's how I like to think it happened :)

Nice to see Mr walker get a tribute either way. I have only ever payed homage to his knees. Oh and his Cowellsesqueness.

BW
JB

[Delta40]

Lol. that is funny! I liked them both Pete, especially the short ending of the second piece.

[Bar22do]

Enjoyed both poems very much Pete, and these four lines especially:

Virgin phrases break through
While walking hills.
Are they my best option with which
to enslave the moment?