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theFig
12-13-2012, 05:47 PM
Often in life we find moments that allow us to
discover who we really are, and such a
moment crept up to me unexpectedly.

After a hard night's work and earning some
valuable income I found myself walking into a
shop for some routine bread and coke for the
house when, at the entrance, a ragged man
tried to catch my attention. Almost instinctively
I shook my head without any eye contact and walked straigt past him.
Without any sense of dignity or respect I
walked past him, reducing him to somethng
less than human.

Sure my head had been filled with the conflicts
of adolescent life as well as the vast decisions
I had to make involving my future, yet I forgot
to be that which makes us human. Being kind.
The shop immediately evolved before my eyes
as I saw the abundance of food before me, yet
a man (whom I had previously downtrodden)
sat at the door contemplating where his next
meal may come from.

A thought occurred to me that evening. "Have I
become so blinded by my own desires that I've
forgotten to look out for my fellow man?"

A sobering thought it turned out to be as the
aisles seemed a living metaphor of the one-way life we seem to be living.

One looks from side to side, only to see what
benefits oneself.

In my basket I included a third item, not for
myself, but for the human being outside. A man
with a story, a story which had now crossed with mine.

Delta40
12-13-2012, 06:03 PM
Welcome to Lit-net Fig. As a writer I see the potential in everything. Perhaps you would like to reformat this piece. Expand upon it even and place it in the short story section for feedback.

Buh4Bee
12-13-2012, 10:49 PM
I really like this conceptually, but I agree with Delta. Maybe poetry is not the best format to present these ideas. You already seem to have paragraphs emerging- possibly a short essay?

Pete Ak
12-14-2012, 01:33 AM
I wouldn't be quite so quick to reject this as poetry! It does lack a poetic voice at the moment but I'm sure the concept has wonderful poetic potential and, it seems to me, you have the passion and the art to craft it into a neat and meaningful poem. Good luck!

theFig
12-14-2012, 03:21 AM
To be quite honest I had no idea this would be published as poetry. It was intended as a short (very short) story. Still finding my way around.

hillwalker
12-14-2012, 06:23 AM
It's good prose - not bad prose - and has potential. But if all the lines are joined up there's nothing poetical about it.

H