Within Us

[Delta40]

You painted that canvas
while I wasn't looking,
moaning how you couldn't do hair
yet the light was always there.
Vibrancy with sideburns
and your subject moved
all over the room.
So wavy,
so free,
compared to you still covered
in hot red dust
from when you stumbled
and tumbled to the bottom
of artistic hopelessness.
I tossed all our burnt toast
into the bin.
It's time to show them I said
but you shrunk away
and buried your 70's man
under a water-coloured gum tree.

[Xillus_Xavier]

I like where you're going with this, Delta, but there are a few things tripping it up for me. First though, I want to say that the first line and the ending are very good. The problem for me, however, is L5 - L7. This sentence seems lacking, fragmented. I think you could expand on this, even slightly, and, sorry for fun the pun, paint a better picture for the reader. As for the middle of the poem, I just don't understand the red hot dust reference. Maybe I'm just dense tonight, after the crazy day at work I had, but the meaning here is unreachable. I'm sure someone will explain it later and I'll slap myself in the head and have a "Oh, right!" moment.

The last four lines is what sold me on the potential of this poem. Love the ending.
I'll come back to this in the morning and see if my perspective changes. Looking forward to reading others comments/critiques.

[Charles Darnay]

I love the flow of this - the bumpiness really works well here!

[Pete Ak]

Lots to like about this piece, the scene is neatly crafted in the first 4lines. I wonder if 'the light' in L4 might be more than illumination?
From "Vibrancy" to "...red hot dust" is intriguing, I get a threesome where narrator compares the fortunes of the artist with those of the subject. As XX above the significance of red hot dust is lost on me as is burnt toast and the gum tree, nevertheless the images are cool and easily assimilated. One of the few poems I've read about which I'd like an author's explanation Delta!
I enjoyed thinking about this one.

[Delta40]

Thanks for your comments everyone. Good insight Pete and as I live in the sunburnt country, I alluded to the landscape to further highlight the difference between artist and subject. Unfortunately, the artist hides his potential behind a painting of a gum tree. The burnt toast? We don't have to settle for that kind of crap - call it a 'we deserve better' statement. Yes, it is a bit bumpy!

I'm still struggling between the KISS principle and poetic detail when I write.

[Jerrybaldy]

Ah never keep it simple Delta, I was relieved to see toast make an appearance you are the mistress of poetic ingredients/kitchen sink/everyday represented by food in metaphore representing the mundane/screw the KISS principle.
JB

[Delta40]

I'll do my best