Hay Stacking, '71

[Xillus_Xavier]

Hay Stacking, '71


The western sky's a Monet canvas.
Orange and red smudges give way
to the smooth lavender strokes
of late-summer twilight. The sun,
now unseen--
below the hill at the far end of the fields--
the entire farm's engulfed in shadow.

Earlier, with the sun at its peak,
we squinted against the light and dust,
heaved hay bales onto the flatbed Ford; straw
stuck to our shirtless, sweaty bodies.

My brother and I worked all afternoon.
No talk of war, no mention of friends far away,
just the thud of bales hitting truck bed,
and the drone of papa's John Deere, ahead in the
distance; the baling machine
dispensing our labor like Pez.

But now, with the day's work done,
with the truckload stuffed in the loft of the barn,
we climb out onto the old tin roof,
sit, feet dangling from its rusted edge,
share a beer swiped from papa's cooler
and talk of girls as the horizon darkens.
Beyond the procession of maples and pecan trees
our pond becomes an orchestra pit--
the crickets and frogs start their nightly symphony.

Later, tense, unable to sleep,
we'll lie awake in the waning heat,
fearing,
not our father's belt,
but the daily stack
of delivered mail;
brothers, lifting hopes heavenward,
piling
prayer upon prayer.

[Pete Ak]

To write so many words taking me in a direction and then to arrest me so dramatically with one, three-word finale (and two of those words are the bloody same!!) is - only one word works for me - virtuoso.

[Delta40]

Fabulous journey. Fabulous ride.

[twist]

This is brilliant, I especially love the first stanza as it's so visual.

[hillwalker]

I agree with all the above. The threat of what lies beyond the hay fields or what might arrive in the morning post is brilliantly understated.

My only nitpick - 'we'll lay awake' should be 'we'll lie awake'.

H

[Xillus_Xavier]

Thanks to each of you for your comments.

[Anton Hermes]

Really interesting!

If I had to suggest improvements, I like the entire farm's engulfed in shadow a lot more than I like the Monet canvas. And do these country boys really refer to their dad as father? It's just that the drone of father's John Deere might sound better as Pa's John Deere or Dad's John Deere. The four amphibrachs in the last line of the fourth stanza are marvelous: the crickets and frogs start their nightly sonata. However, I think you mean an orchestral work or a choral piece rather than a sonata, don't you? Would cantata work?

But all nitpicking aside, good job.

[Xillus_Xavier]

Excellent points, Anton. I was originally going to use "papa" instead of "father", and I probably will change it to that or "pa". I do think, however, I'll keep "father" in the ending. I'll think it over.

Also, I'm changing "sonata" to "symphony" as I believe that would be a better fit.

[Hawkman]

Hi X_X, this is indeed an evocative poem, well paced and rich in imagery. I would be inclined to trim the odd word here and there which would improve the flow: e.g. S1 L2 "begin to" which is unecessay and slightly over extends the line. S2 L3, "unto" is a bit odd, I take it this is a typo for onto.

Not sure about the analogy of "Pez dispenser" it seems to be used a lot for all sorts of things. It's not that I can't see why you'd use it, but rather that it doesn't actually read very well, given that it's given a line to itself and also ends the stanza. "-er" is a weak line end where a harder word might be better.

"sit along its rusted edge, feet dangling,
to share a beer swiped from papa's cooler"

isn't good either because to share a beer comes after feet dangl;ing. Splitting the description with a subordinate clause doesn't quite work for me.

"Sit, feet dangling from it's rusted edge,
share a beer swiped from papa cooler
and..."

Would be better here.

I'm also not quite easy about the combination of pond and pit. I think I'd prefer,

"Beyond the procession of maples and pecan trees,
our pond hosts an orchestra--"

The splitting of the last verse doesn't work for me either. It creates an un-natural pause in the line. The line break doesn't work here and should come before "brothers".


"not our father's belt,
but the daily stack
of delivered mail;
brothers,
lifting hope heavenwards,
piling prayer on prayer."

Would be my recommendation, although the stanza break would work given the adjustment in line-break.

Notwithstanding, an exceptional poem which I very much enjoyed reading.

Live and be well - H

[Xillus_Xavier]

Hawkman, thank you for your valuable input.

You're right, "unto" was a typo. I agree with your advice on reworking/trimming.
I'm considering revising the ending of S2 as:

and the drone of papa's John Deere ahead in the
distance; the baling machine
dispensing our labor like Pez.

I like the stronger "Zzz" sound at the end.

The one part I feel more confident about is keeping "orchestra pit". I may decide to simply drop "pit" but for now I'm keeping it. I need to think about it more.

Again, thanks for your input.