I wonder why

[twist]

(This was my first poem and I was asked to read it out at the school Christmas service. I made a few changes)

When I see a country devastated by a war

And when I see death knock on a door

And when I see people hungry and poor

And when I see a heart hard to the core

And when I see a serial killer thirsty for more

And when I see an innocent girl raped on the floor

And when I see ignorance as prevalent as before

And when I see a caged wild animal roar

And when I see a whale dragged to shore

And when I see floods, plagues and famines in store

I wonder why

[Pete Ak]

I'm in the middle of a debate about rhyme on another thread so this poem is particularly apposite. This is a great example of rhyme not only emphasising the message of the poem but also adding a (sense of) credibility. IMO only two lines have been manipulated to accommodate the rhyme ("floor" and "store") However both (again IMO) are acceptable and in the case of 'floor' it creates a powerful image entirely consistent with the message.

I do think some work on this piece may be fruitful - there's room for more rage for example. You might find that if the whole thing was more irregular it may emit more anger. It does have the feel of a piece written by a young person so it would be interesting to see what a more grown up you could bring to it.

[AuntShecky]

It's okay to rhyme -- it's important that the metric stresses match up, however. Line 4, for instance, seems to have an extra syllable.

As devastating as the examples are, they are a bit too generalized and abstract, not to mention that the phrasing is trite. You could try something more specific; perhaps you could take one or two of the problems and expand rather than merely presenting a list.

Also-- while keeping in mind that literalism-- "authenticity" is never a requirement of poetry (Shakespeare: "The truest poetry is the most feigned"), the reader wonders about how the speaker could have personally witnessed all these crimes: serial killings, rapes, and the like. One suspects when the speaker says "When I see. . .," he hasn't really seen them first-hand. Once again,what would improve this piece is a sharper, more specific focus , "showing" instead of telling.

[twist]

Thanks very much Pete for your thoughtful comments. The more grown up me will try and bring more to it!

[twist]

We were asked to write a poem about 'the problems in the world' for a AS social studies assignment. I tend to write my poems in a single draft if I'm inspired to do so. I'll have a go but I find "showing" instead of telling in a poem quite difficult. Can you give me an example, Aunty?