A poem that I wrote for a friend crypticly to let her know something...Wrote in 2008

[scrotera777]

Forget your shame
Forget one's name
Newtowns Laws of motion.....
everywhere dense
Nothing makes sense
how do you turn foward?
when you all you see is back?
FLASHBACK-ALL VOILENT BLACK,NEON BLACK
Books have a cover
some have two
which do you judge by?
if you arent sure which is true?
Spineless and No back bone...which to choose?
INNOCENCE,INSIGNIFIGANCE
SEPTIFRAGAL DEHISCENCE
A Athiest can catch
He can have faith
A Clergy man,A congressmen
No declaration of right
Right?
Perish in your pride
Our right to die
A legislative Investigation
Into life's duration
From Gensis to regensis
From birth to rebirth
From Neitzche to Lavey
Look me straight in the eyes
I see your Pain
Look me into the heart
I hide my shame
Its God forbidenn
that ones trust is given
Taken?
Nevershaken,SOUL FORSAKEN
Aggressive self confidence
is that of none
Only a weak one
speaks so much,though numb
Only a weak one
can appear as willed
A structual gene
play me a scene?
yet act so true
the end of a heathen
the start of a King
those who live together
are like putting two and three together
forever and ever....

[hillwalker]

Some say it with flowers, or chocolates. You chose this. The mind boggles.

Without being too harsh, I think your decision to try and use rhyme was misguided. It made you write lines that make no sense - either in the context of the poem or even in isolation. Parts of it sound like rap, but rap generally makes sense.

Having said that, when you gave up on rhyme (presumably because it got too difficult) you still manage to come up with some truly baffling lines.
Cryptic? I think this goes off the scale of what is meant by being cryptic.

Also be aware that capitalising is often a desperate measure to get certain words noticed. Let the words speak for themselves and forget the dramatic formatting.

And Newton is presumably still turning in his grave.

H

[scrotera777]

I was trying to let her know about my condition what i suffer from,borderline personality disorder....i shouldve made that clear,other borderlines tell me it describes exactly how they feel and everything written was written for a reason...

[scrotera777]

obviously im talking about sexual abuse by religous figures,with my own fratured distorted view on reality because of the events..

[hillwalker]

'obviously' - ??

It still doesn't make things any clearer to me I'm afraid because so many of the lines are disjointed and are almost impossible to make sense of. Maybe you'll say that's because your thoughts are disjointed but that doesn't excuse writing in such an inaccessible way. Writing is about communication and this doesn't convey a message or even a sense of emotion. It's just a mess.

No doubt everything was written for a reason, but your feelings don't translate to anything the average reader will be able to comprehend.

H

[Pete Ak]

Scrotera - I'm a passionate supporter of rhyme but I'm afraid Hillwalker's words echo my reaction to this poem. To be honest I'm more interested in your statement above where you say
"...my own fratured (sic) distorted view on reality because of the events.."
Having said this you could set yourself up for an accusation of being disingenuous - you apparently know your view of reality is distorted, you even describe yourself as being borderline disordered - to compose a piece which you justify on the strength of your disordered thinking isn't going to be understood let alone appreciated by the average man as Hillwalker has explained. And I can't help but wonder how does a person whose view is disordered know it is?

Ok having said all that there are some good poetic images and interesting phraseology it's just there isn't any thing that holds it together, it disintegrates as it's being read.

[scrotera777]

check my other poetry out then,i wrote this poem this way for a reason,i write many styles,dont dismiss it because its diifferent or not normal,who wants to be normal,and copy,as writers we should acheive for indiviualism ,poetry isnt about rules and structure,rhyming,its about getting something inside of one out onto paper and summed up the most simple way for a laymen to understand,i as a poet try to make my disorder which is so complicated be able to be read and a person saying...that poem the author def had bpd...and well mate all the bpd people i know agree with me and my psychology class,no try to dumb me down,IQ IS 142 ''MENSA' as most great writers have i also have bipolar.im not crazy,my emotions are simply crazy....i have no psychosis,delusions,paranoia.im simply severly emotionally unstable due to sev rapes and a kidnapping...ill stop sorry im defensive of my self in this i apologize if i come across wrong =(

[hillwalker]

No one on here is dismissing poetry that 'isn't about rules and structure or rhyming' - we welcome individuality and innovation - but if it doesn't make sense to your readers what's the point?

If you're writing for yourself, that's fine. Writing can be therapeutic, invigorating, even liberating. But if you're trying to communicate what it's like to suffer from bdp you have to make it accessible to everyone.
I'm sorry, but there's nothing in this poem that makes me say 'the author def (?) has bdp'. It's immaterial whether all the people with bdp who you know agree with you or not. The poem is muddled and mostly incomprehensible.

If you're suggesting that criticizing your poem is disrespectful to you personally or that we're dumbing you down then you have come to the wrong place. There are other sites where members tell each other their poetry is wonderful. IQ - what's that got to do with anything? I'd even suggest that telling the world you have bdp is almost like asking for the 'pity' vote - but that doesn't work for me. If your poetry isn't particularly good I'll tell you regardless of what lies behind it.

As for your personal history and defensive attitude - that's understandable, but you have to try and distance your persona from your poems. Let your poetry speak for itself.

H

[Delta40]

I've just come back from dinner with a friend and we discussed your poem. We both agreed that regardless of IQ, mental health or history, poetry has to be communicable to your audience. It isn't an attack on you personally and I would strongly recommend that you put your intelligence into play here and rise above any wounded feelings and examine how you can restructure your writings in such a way that the reader can better appreciate what you're trying to say. The whole point of posting on this forum is to receive feedback that will enhance your style for the benefit of the audience - that is unless, as Hill suggests, you are primarily writing for yourself. I do hope you will persevere.

[scrotera777]

here is a review of this same poem on another board "I'm a bit surprised that this isn't in the Enlightened board, as a great deal of the focus here seems to be on the concept of "oneness"; the kundalini reference is the first clue, "septifragal" referring to the chakras, I believe? There are powerful concepts at work in this piece, with the end juxtaposing intrapersonal relationships against the "oneness" of self neatly. It asks the question of whether one way attain enlightenment and stay "sane," quite methodically exploring the concept throughout the poem. Deep work, much enjoyed. :)"see they get it and many others do too....

[hillwalker]

You're beginning to bore me now.

I don't 'get' your poetry. No one who has commented on the three poems you posted here so far seems to 'get' your poetry.

If you can't communicate to your readers then your poetry isn't working no matter how many fancy allusions you include or how many others claim to 'get' it.

You seem intelligent and widely read yet you're burying everything you're trying to tell us beneath a mass of heavy-handed rhetoric. You're not writing poetry. You're catapulting cliches and slogans at the reader and expecting them to greet your words with awe.

H

[miyako73]

I love troubled writing--like the one written by someone who is about to kill himself--that is almost incomprehensible but its psychological tone and disturbing subtext are clear and interesting. Yours troubles me. Are you mad at poetry? At words? Again edit it so it will make sense. Trouble me in a nice way.

[hillwalker]

See. We care about your writing ^^ but you need to adjust the attitude.

H

[Charles Darnay]

I'd be wary of such pedantic reviews as the one you posted above from this other site. Too often, people will spit them out simply to "promote" their own intelligence. It is a classic case of sophistry that you are letting get to your head.

[AuntShecky]

If you want to be a poet, the one thing you'd want to take seriously is respect for the language. (Note that I didn't say respect for "readers" -- I said "language.") Poets are in love with words; they eat, sleep, dream words. Words are more than the tools of the trade; words are a poet's life. The very least we could do is treat them right, spell them correctly.

Nobody's calling you out for suffering nor for earnestly trying to work through your suffering by writing verse. But if you intend the work for public consumption, make sure it's "ready for prime time."