A Hit

[Bar22do]

(edited)

Morning light washes the concrete ruin,
it was our flat last night. So fast,
seagulls have appropriated the scene,
as if provoking the ominous sky!

It seems to me that I can hear
his deep sunken voice, but I don't find him
and anyway, recurrent sirens
mar his faint attempt.

My shape throws a shadow on the lino
nurses trample on, harried.
My palms hold my head, fingers open wide:
a frail scaffolding around inner rubble.

(despairing: )

gone until repaired or gone tout court...

(original)

Morning lights pour down the ruin.
Seagulls have so fast appropriated
what was our room last night
and now, some even defy the sky!

It seems to me that I can hear
his deep sinking voice - but of him
neither hide nor hair and
sirens are taking his faint cry.

A shadow knocks against the lino
that nurses to and fro - white threads
in a dark runner. I cover my face,
a panicked repoussé from my soul.



(Jerusalem, November 18, 2012)

[hillwalker]

Hi Bar -

I'm assuming this records the aftermath of a missile strike or some such disaster - a difficult subject to write about without sensationalising when emotions are still raw but you seem to pull it off.

A few minor quibbles:

Morning lights pour down the ruin. - difficult to picture light pouring down anything - does it need 'onto the ruin'? to make things clearer?

and now, some even dare the sky! - looking for a verb here - dare what? repossess? reattempt?

neither hide nor hair is a bit clichéd

and the closing stanza is especially difficult to interpret - a shadow 'knocking' and 'nursing to and fro' left me perplexed.

I like the idea of turmoil somehow beating its shape into your body from the inside out (which is what repousse is I believe) - but again the final line doesn't quite support such an image.

H

[Bar22do]

Not minor quibbles, but important feedbacks... 1/ I imagined lights of the morning as if they were tears pouring down the face of a ruin; 2/ there is a verb: "dare," or should I have said "defy" (---the sky, from which the rockets were falling?); 3/ thanks for this, I didn't know it was a cliché; 4/now, in the hospital - a dark shadow lies on the linoleum, nurses walk on it to and fro (I used "to and fro" as a verb); 5/ the narrator realises the shock and loss and uses palms to cover/support the head, as if to shield the soul from insanity...
So much explanation for those few lines is a bad sign - the poem fails. I wanted it off my mind and therefore posted it. Now it can go with the rest of the rubble. But I'm grateful for your patient time, Hill. Thanks a lot.

[cacian]

''gone tout court'' is a cool tour de force haha.

[hillwalker]

It doesn't 'fail' Bar - repost it and let's all have a proper look.
I missed the fact that the narrator had entered a hospital for instance.

H

[firefangled]

I just tuned in and was sorry I did not get to see this one, Bar. I hope you decide to put it back.

[AuntShecky]

Missed it! (Have you, by chance, been talkin' to Jack of Hearts?)

[Bar22do]

Alright, reposted, just not to give in to that sense of nullity (or to collect replies for an empty thread)... thanks friends, you can be severe.

[AuntShecky]

Thanks for putting this back up, so it can be read by the likes o' yours fooly.

The first version looks good on the virtual page: symmetrical, with the lines nearly equal in length. But I think I prefer the revised edition, because it dropped the cliché "neither hide nor hair."

The only thing I wasn't crazy about was this line:

his deep sunken voice, but I don't find him,
meaning the pronouns ( his and him) without antecedents. You don't have to give the guy a proper name, but some kind of short identifying characteristic so we have a hint of "his" relationship to the speaker.

[Haunted]

I too prefer the revised version. Quite a tragedy and a challenging subject but you handled it real well. I think your words are strong enough that you don't need the exclamation mark in S1. Not sure about "ball of shadow" ... I don't see human shadows as being round. Maybe a contorted shadow, , which also suggests the internal pain. The last two lines form a very nice image of sorrow.

[hillwalker]

It's an improvement in that we can make better sense of what's happened from start to finish.

A couple of minor queries -

v1 l2 - not sure 'fast' works - although there's an internal echo of 'last' - because it's implying the seagulls were fast rather than the attack.

v2 l3 - 'damn! and anyway' - I would consider taking these out as they add nothing other than an attempt to appear over-dramatic
and l4 - 'faint attempt' to do what? to speak presumably...

v3 l1 - agreed that 'a ball of shadow' is impossible to picture
and I'm wondering whether it's the nurses who are 'overcome' - the way it's written here due to the full-stop at the end of the line - or is it the narrator?

Love the closing image of the N's fingers acting as scaffolding on a ruin - sheer brilliance.

H

[Bar22do]

Belated thanks Auntie, Haunted and Hill. Agreed re your edits, especially "the ball of shadow". Hill, I'm happy you liked my last image!
Thank you all.

[Pete Ak]

"A frail scaffolding around inner rubble" wonderful ending. A clear case for re-working poems. Liked it loads!

[Bar22do]

"A frail scaffolding around inner rubble" wonderful ending. A clear case for re-working poems. Liked it loads!

Thanks Pete. And of course, where else would I learn something if not here...