Driving home

[twist]

There I was driving home along the M25. The sun was setting and it was a spectacular sight. I couldn’t help turning to look at it now and then. Corrine Bailey Rae was singing “Girl put your records on..”on the radio and I was humming along.

I happened to look at the car in the next lane. It was an old blue classic Ford and the chap driving it looked about a hundred years old. Suddenly he turned and smiled warmly even waving when I zoomed past. I waved back surprised but then thought no more of it.

Soon the sun had set in the limpid blue sky. The stars came out twinkling brightly interspersed with aeroplane landing lights as Heathrow airport was close now. The traffic had slowed as the rush hour approached. I glanced in my rear view mirror and noticed that the Ford classic was just behind me. The news was on the radio and I was only half listening when the newsreader announced that an elderly man, aged a hundred and two had escaped from a residential home after stealing a blue classic Ford from a visitor. If anyone saw anyone fitting the description they were to call the following number…

I looked at my mobile on the dashboard. The wizened joyrider in the car behind me certainly fitted the description. I was in a dilemma – what if he took the car for ‘one last drive’ and had every intention of returning it. I didn’t want to spoil his fun but on the other hand he could be a danger to himself and other drivers. There was also the matter of the stolen vehicle. As a responsible citizen it would be the right thing to call the number.

Instinctively I glanced in my rear view mirror as I began dialling the number. A van had taken its place. I quickly scanned the cars around me. The blue classic Ford was nowhere in sight.

Then I saw him exiting onto the M4 and I followed him. We were approaching the Heathrow terminal 1,2 &3 exit and the traffic was filtering off. I was three cars behind him ready to play detective.I followed as he drove towards the airport. I had no strategy planned. Maybe I would call the number once I could see what he was upto. We were now heading for the short stay terminal 3 car park.

He drove all the way to the top of the car park. Now I was right behind him and completely intrigued. He parked, turned the headlights off and got out. For a man of a hundred and two he was very sprightly! He held up a pair of binoculars and watched the planes for a few minutes. Then he lowered his binoculars and I realized he was looking directly at me. I froze for a split second then remembered the phone number. I dialled as quickly as trembling fingers let me. I blurted out the car and its driver’s details.

“I’m sorry, but you’re mistaken. The car was involved in a crash on the M25 half an hour ago. He was hit by a van,” replied the police officer.
“Was – was there anyone else involved” I faltered.
“Yes…really tragic. A young woman in a blue Ford Escort was killed too. She appeared to have died instantly. It looked like she was in the middle of dialling our number on her phone.”
I hung up, my heart in my throat. I noticed that the old man was walking towards me. As he did so he seemed to look younger and grow taller all the time. It was the most amazing sight. Now he was smiling at me again and opening my car door took my hand…

Considering entering for flash fiction competition - less than 1000 words- comments appreciated.

[hillwalker]

The plot unfortunately was too corny for my taste. The unbelievable coincidences became impossible to swallow even in a 'fantasy' setting...

- only half listening to the radio yet you hear and memorise all the details of the missing man, his car and the telephone number to call - catching sight of the car exiting the M4 just as you're about to telephone and report - the police officer giving an instant and unlikely response to an incoming call from a member of the public

Your writing is almost flawless, but the plot lets it down.

H

[twist]

Thanks for the comments Hillwalker.
The young woman is half listening to the news but when she hears the description of the joyrider she sits up and takes note. I thought that was a natural reaction -the brain switches on when some interesting information stimulates it.
Is my writing style too simple??
A friend and I used to drive to Heathrow and watch the planes take off from the top of the car park on a regular basis. I guess that was the inspiration for the story.

[hillwalker]

I understood where the inspiration comes from, and I think you do a decent job of portraying that stretch of road between West Drayton and Brentford.

It's the 'plot' rather than your writing style that's too simple. Even a fantasy has to be grounded in reality. Having driven that stretch of road myself it's almost impossible to focus on other vehicles and their drivers given the volume of traffic and constant stop-start motion of vehicles in front.

Also, a mystery/horror needs more subtle foreshadowing if the reader is to be kept on their toes. I could tell pretty much from the moment she hears the news bulletin how this would end - the guy was probably going to be a ghost. The fact that the narrator also died is a slightly different twist, but the way everything seems to be tied up by the end is a little too neat and dare I say old-fashioned.

H

[WolfLarsen]

I liked the plot. It was intriguing. The writing was okay. The thing about the writing is you get the idea of the main character's frenzied feelings regarding the whole affair. So in that sense the writing is good.

[twist]

Thank you for your comments WolfLarsen