I Heard You Chatting

[Pete Ak]

I heard you chatting to mercy and goodness,
Saw you courting favour too,
I was told you were playing with success
Just after you’d kissed breakthrough.
Seemed like you were running with blessings,
Elegance, bravado and romance,
The world at your feet, nothing to lose
Still, you tried teaching St. Vitus to dance.


Things have changed since that age of ingenuousness
You've made friends with snigger and taunt,
Knelt with insult and hatred
Prayed for whatever you want.
I saw you bow to arrogance and degradation
Heard you whisper to meanness and spite
Watched you get debased with negation
Whilst you slept with triumph last night.


You’ve been spotted walking hand in hand with shambles
Playing dice with revulsion and lies
With doom and damnation you gambled
Whilst holiness waited outside.
Don’t pretend you don’t know pretension
I have proof you were there yesterday
On your knees before foulness and derision
Licking the feet of decay.


It’s what happens when friends are instrumental
When torment’s your favourite game
You’re bitter, resentful, judgmental
And happy to spread out the blame.
So while you dance with deceit and venality
Laugh with perversion and greed
Take care to watch over your shoulder,
One day it’s a cwtch that you’ll need.

[hillwalker]

A clever poem about wordplay if I'm reading it correctly. Written to some unidentified muse who lives her life where everything is taken literally rather than metaphorically.

Loved in particular the closing line of verse 1 (no exclamation mark necessary).

I'm not sure how much the instinct to rhyme dictated what you wrote but you managed to pull it off. Hopefully others will give a more in-depth response that this deserves.

H

[Buh4Bee]

This is terrific. I enjoyed the structure of the rhyme- giving it a nice flow.

I can't say I get the St. Vitus reference, but I'm sure someone else will.

[Hawkman]

As hill says, there is some clever wordplay going on in this piece and generally the conception works quite well, barring some inconsistancy in rhythm and the use of an interjection as a noun. Bravo is only a noun if used as the code letter for B in the phonetic alphabet. I feel "Bravado" would have been a better word to use here.

Something else you might want to consider: as you are personifying the nouns, should they be treated as proper nouns with the capitalisation of the first letter? Also the opening line, "I heard you chatting with mercy and goodness," actually says that the narrator is good and merciful as he listens. Perhaps "to" rather than "with" would be better here, as it is more in keeping with the rest of the poem.

I have some reservations about the way you've uses words which really need to be combined with articles, like "shambles" and you could, and perhaps should, drop "get" before "debased" in S2 L7.

Notwithstanding, it's an enjoyable read.

Live and be well - H

[Pete Ak]

I missed the feedback for this, apologies and thanks to the three of you. Hillwalker and Hawkman - you're both right that the poem became an exercise in wordplay during it's composition, even so, I was intent on creating an authentic poem.
Hwalker, thanks for your impression, I will take out the exclamation mark. As for the rhyming I remember thinking that in this piece the rhymes helped to integrate it, without rhyme I think it'd be 'just' wordplay.
B - St. Vitus' Dance is a physiological condition involving involuntary tics and movements.
Hawk - fully appreciate your comments. I intend to look at the rhythm, will definitely insert 'to' for "with" and think about the capitalisation issue - can't make up my mind on that. I used "get" for it's alliterative effect but I have wondered if it's worth it, again I'm undecided. I hoped the personification of so many adjectives and nouns would excuse the need for articles!
Thanks & apols again.

[Delta40]

I think the way you use rhyme Pete, you might actually be our one Lit-nutter member who can get away with it. It's much more subtle than other pieces I've read and I don't get the impression that you're driven by it.


YEEE HAAAA!

[Pete Ak]

Delta - that's a massive, massive compliment, the kind I didn't know I wanted until I got it! Thanks, tho I guess I have something to live up to now!