Ash

[Delta40]

The remnants of our fire
remain.
All the weeds are gone
and we're so skinny about love
under the blue sky,
I can scoop it up
with one hand.

But still I missed you
last night.
Enough to crouch
behind a dried out rock
and wonder about you
gazing across the vast shoreline.

[cacian]

Ash is a briliiant piece Delta4o and it made me smile hehe.

[DieterM]

Brilliant indeed, Delta40! I especially loved the line "we're so skinny about love", very evocative!

[Haunted]

Nothing like a fire that rages through a relationship and takes away the last ounce of love, and yet the yearning lingers. The crouching draws a parallel to a protective fetal position. The sorrow, it just comes right through and hit you in the gut. Quiet in setting, but powerful nevertheless.

[DocHeart]

Fine poem. Fine poem.

*Fine* poem.

[Delta40]

Thank you everyone.

[Hawkman]

Hi Delta, I'm sorry, but there is a problem with expression in the first verse. It is unclear what exactly you are scooping up with one hand. If I may, I'd suggest reordering the lines a bit.

"We're so skinny about love
under the blue sky.
All the weeds are gone
where the remnants
of our fire remain.
I can scoop them up
with one hand."

This way the basic emotion of the piece remains unaltered but the expression has more coherence and flows better. Glad you tweaked that last line too. Overall, an effective poem with nice imagery.

Live and be well - H

[Delta40]

Thanks Hawk. I see what you mean but it isn't the ashes that are being scooped up. A small ration of love would be the best explanation

[Hawkman]

Yes I got that Delta, but as written this isn't actually what it says. It isn't clear whether you are scopping up ashes, (although "them" would be appropriate for this) love or blue sky. My suggestion makes sense as a coherent sentence and the ashes represent the love in metaphore.

Have a think about it...

Live and be well - H

[Delta40]

I will Hawk.

[hallaig]

why 'still' I missed you? Is it not obvious you'd miss whoever it is, given how much you've said you loved them? There's something funny about that crouching behind a dried up rock, too. Why's it dried up? Why does missing your love make you crouch behind a rock anyway? Stupid questions, but the strangeness of the image that precvedes it undermines the power of the last 2 lines

[Delta40]

Thanks Hallaig. Perhaps there should be a comma after still. Gawd I hate having to explain metaphors because it's a question of whether it's the reader or me.

While one strives to write clearly, it's also clear that a poet cannot reach an entire audience.

Is unclear imagery a result of poor writing or lack of interpretation by the reader?

What are your thoughts H?

[Hawkman]

If I'm the H you are asking, then I would say that in this case there is an element of both here. Personally, I have no problem with the second stanza, the imagery is clear enough. Who hasn't had one of those moments of remeniscence in which an old friend or lover is missed? The dried out rock, high and dry on the shore, over which the narrator gazes as she wonders about the "other" seems reasonable to me. However, the first verse is definitely tangled as the construction of the second sentence is ambiguous and suspect in syntax.

Live and be well - H

[Delta40]

I appreciate your response and thanks for clearing up S2. That first stanza just isn't going to sit well with you is it? I'm almost tempted to re-write it just to make you happy but I'm still stewing over it - mainly because your written suggestion isn't what I'm looking for so I'll keep at it.

thanks.

[firefangled]

Delta, after several reads I came to think of what was scooped up as a handful of sand from the vast shorline. It seems to say that was all that was taken or given of love from something much larger. The ash to me represented a reduction as ash is.

[Delta40]

Thanks for your feedback FF. I'm happy for people to see that scoop in whatever way they choose. But for writing purposes, it would seem that I have to be a little clearer perhaps. What do you think?

[hallaig]

Aye plenty of folk have gazed across oceans but not necessarily while 'crouched' behind a dried up rock. It's just superfluous and distracting to me. Personally.

[Pete Ak]

Hello Delta. I can see the the sense in Hawkman's questioning of your syntax, tho I'll be honest - I construed that the narrator is scooping up ashes despite the dislocation of the respective sentences. I have a small issue with the the opening of the 2nd stanza - I can't work out what the implication of your use of the word "But" and it set questions in my head which distracted me a little. I like the way your last line leaves room for questions - is the narrator simply "wondering" or also gazing (?stalking?). I'm also curious about the shoreline - does it have to be 'vast' in this poem? A simple shoreline ma be more enigmatic???

[MorpheusSandman]

This is such a poignant, direct piece that I can't help but think it would be even more powerful with just a little extra trimming. I'm not a fan of splitting up the first sentence onto two lines where only "remain" is on the second. There's something slightly awkward about "remnants...remain" (that's kinda what remnants DO) to begin with, but splitting it up like that makes it more obvious. Plus, I think keeping with the whole direct simplicity of the piece, such enjambment seems out of place. I'm also not a big fan of the "under the blue sky" line, because I don't feel like it really adds much, but instead takes away from the unique image of love being skinny and scooped up... I guess it's there to parallel the other prepositional phrase in S2 ("behind a dried out rock")? Similarly with S2 I don't like the enjambment between L1 and L2, and the "but still" seems like filler. I agree with Pete about "vast," and, in the future, perhaps try to avoid such abstract adjectives in simple, imagistic pieces. I might rewrite it as:

The remnants* of our fire remain.
All the weeds are gone,
and we're so skinny about love
I can scoop it up
with one hand.

I missed you last night,
enough to crouch
behind a dried out rock
and wonder about you
gazing across the shoreline

*maybe cinders or embers instead of remnants?

Just some suggestions but, regardless, it's a lovely piece, Delta.

[Delta40]

Thanks for your feedback everyone. It's very valuable. The trimming factor is good and your revision MS is much more in keeping with my poem structure so thanks very much for that. I'm composing poetry directly onto the forum and have yet to develop the art of stewing over something for several days. I might jot things down in my journal and marinate thoughts in my head but really, it just comes together in a moment - usually in the morning and I write it. Rather immediate I'm afraid. On the positive side, how exciting to know that I have so much room for improvement!

Once again, thanks everyone.