First appearance here - pls be gentle!

[Pete Ak]

Hello, peace and respect to you all. This is my debut on this site, having spent 2/3 hours just reading around I am delighted and impressed with the quality here. I'll follow advice and submit 3 poems but all here in the same thread - I usually introduce myself with "I Write" (for pretty obvious reasons); the other two I've selected are "I'm Gonna be Famous, I Am" a piece of light, comic verse and "The Madeleine Moment" which is, for me, almost experimental - please try and access the video either before, during or after reading it and the sense will hopefully emerge.

I Write
http://pakinwunmi.files.wordpress.com/2011/04/african_man_writing.jpg

I wonder why, I sit and try

To write words;

That feel the world;

Reveal my world,

Conceal my world?

-

I wonder where these rhymes will go.

When they collide with what you know?

And what you feel.

I wonder if the words I scrawl

Intrigue, enrapt, inspire, enthrall

Elucidate, attenuate or heal?

-

I write; I descend

Into the cold chasm of solitude

Hurling words into the dark

Waiting for echoes and the attitude

Of wild creative delight,

As from a single star on a misty night.

Then angels whisper rhymes in my head

Whilst the devil is shrieking curses instead

And the swirl and rhythm of all those words

Tangle and grapple with my passions and hurts

So I launch myself into the infinite

Both to mask and unveil the universe.

So, if you catch me sleeping with a pencil in my hand,

Don’t wake me, I’ll be writing my dreams and plans.


]I’m Gonna be Famous, I am.[/B]


I’m gonna to be famous I am.

I’ve got it all sorted,

Gathered all the resources

required for my master plan.

No question how I’ll do it

Everyone knows I’m a poet

So when the popularity of poetry surges

All us light-shining poets will emerge as

Prophets with such clarity of vision

And ways of speakin

That we elucidate and entertain

At the same time.

My poetic solutions

To political problems

Will not only work – they’ll rhyme.


The Madeleine Moment *
This piece is my attempt to use art to capture one of the most delightful moments I’ve ever seen on film. The reading of this poem MUST include watching the video link – it is not an embellishment – it is an integral part of it!


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HTzTt1VnHRM


He emerged into black silence, unlit by the melody of babble and jabber.

Lips mouthed smilingly, and a universe away affectionate eyes matched the crescent.

Yet the images engendered from this gentle, sinister quiescence

Burdened his innocent reveries until they hung as heavy as dark matter.

-

White coats fluttered and busied noiselessly.

Machines, their dials awhirr with sharp moving traces

Vibrated their songs and rhythms to multitudes of faces.

As the quietude gathered around him ever more suffocatingly.

-

Heartbeats, unheard yet close enough to touch, whisper tender tales.

Loving stories bathed in decorative condolence, hum melifluously through him

Til the rhythm of those fables encourage different feeling

And the crescent is now ephemeral; uncertainty infects then prevails.

-

Another unsettling day – the story-telling pulse tattoos stories new.

It pumps with hope and expectation which his ignorant, silent world cannot interpret

So he knows not what to wish for other than something that will reverberate

in his essence, and be consistent with his brooding, ruthless view.

-

Eight months old and Jonathan emerges from sleep, unsure if he’s still in the same world

So he snuggles to get as close to the heartbeat as are lips when sealed in silent prayer.

Something enters – him – ears – mind – body and spirit – respond to movement in the air

And his ‘Madeleine moment’ occurs with the first words he ever heard.

-

(* I must admit to stretching the definition of ‘Madeleine Moment’ beyond that originally described Marcel Proust!)

[Jerrybaldy]

I'm Gonna Be famous is my favourite of the three. The other two felt a little sterile. This is particularly surprising considering the subject matter of the third poem.

The words seem to lack warmth or emotion. The opening two stanzas of ' I write' seem to capture that void the best; there is a feeling of functionality.

Welcome aboard. I look forward to seeing if you put some of 'You' into your future postings.

best wishes
JB

[hillwalker]

You've given us a lot to deal with here - some might say too much, sensory overload detracting from the poems.
But you've asked for the kid glove treatment so since it's your first posting I shall try to spare your feelings.

I Write - I didn't particularly enjoy the first two stanzas. You seem to be writing these for yourself - which is fine but not especially rewarding for the reader. The cumbersome internalised rhyme in the closing line doesn't help. It's only when you take us Into the cold chasm of solitude that we get a glimpse of your creative process and some real poetry. It's still rather frenetic and too self-aware but it's probably best you get it out of your system right at the start.

I’m Gonna be Famous, I am - is lighter and quite comic in tone. There's end rhyme but it's not blatant. The 'message' is a little naff but again not a bad effort.

The Madeleine Moment - is I think undermined by the accompanying video. Why do we need to be shown how it was inspired by a deaf baby being given the gift of hearing? I happen to think this would work better if you wrote it from the first person pov - let the subject of the poem share his experiences with us rather than have it recorded by some unseen authority. There are some memorable images but perhaps it's too wordy - one feels you had more fun writing this than we'll get reading it.

A commendable start but too much to take in on one reading - which is what most viewers will be prepared to invest until they get to know you better

H

[Delta40]

Welcome to Lit-Net Pete. I prefer I'm Gonna Be Famous, I am. The rhyme factor needs to be shaken loose so you are not limiting yourself in your expression and I agree that it was difficult to relate to the Madeleine moment from the perspective it was written in. Having said that, you have promise when you play with words the way you do and I look forward to seeing how your writing develops.

[Pete Ak]

To the 3 of you... you have no idea how much pleasure it gives me to have some frank feedback; Hillwalker - I might even ask reviewers to be brutal in future. Delta, I'm afraid I'm almost a rhyme addict, despite its limiting effect, I regard it as part of the challenge. Clearly, I need to get over this; I've often felt my stuff may come across as immature because of my 'addiction'. Glad you've found some 'promise'. Jerry, again many thanks for the shock of seeing my work described as 'sterile'! I mean that. I may ask you for specific examples if I continue to write stuff that hits you that way - or perhaps examples of when I'm more fecund! If you guys have traipsed your poetry around similar sites you'll be aware of the dreadful standards of reviewing elsewhere. I'll apologise here tho that whilst I'll be honest in my appraisals they will undoubtedly come across as amateurish.

[Delta40]

I'm a poor critic myself Pete but all comments are welcome.

[Haunted]

I appreciated the experimental nature of your work bringing in art and copy. I enjoy working that way myself, but only in my profession. When it comes to poetry writing, I prefer it pure, meaning I'd rather not muddy it up with visuals. I much like the words to paint their own pictures.


"I write" — Way too self conscious and self centric. The "real" poem starts in S3. Also the art doesn't really work with the poem. It's redundant to show a painting of a writer to illustrate a poem about writing. And there's also a risk in showing race because then I expected the poem to address that and it didn't. So now you have two problems, the cliche / redundancy, and a loose end. Should you change the visual to something that compliments your poem, what would that be, a supernova? What if your poem doesn't live up to the galactic wonder in the picture that's rendered in a million color pixels? You see the problem? It would totally overpower your poem and you don't want that. When you use both art and copy, they shouldn't compliment each other — they should COMPLETE each other. It's not easy. You are better off with a lone poem and let the readers "see" it in their own mind.

I’m Gonna be Famous, I am — another self conscious piece. "All us light-shining poets will emerge as..." doesn't speak for me.

The Madeleine Moment — I didn't click on the video, I just felt that it was asking too much of me. If I want to watch a video, I would not be reading a poem. So again, this is very experimental and requires a certain special audience that is willing to do what you tell them to do. I suggest you spend more time working with the poem, it isn't evoking any emotions for me. I have no idea of what it is about. You need to tighten it. I can see the beauty in the poem, but you need to curve it out, like a sculptor carving a marble until the angel emerges.

Oh, try to avoid the same imageries from poem to poem. You have stars and universe in one, then dark matter in another. You don't want your pieces to be all the same.

You would do very well because you have the passion, it would be nice to see how you evolve. I hope this helps and not discourages you. Keep in mind you don't have to listen to me at all. If you want to keep doing art and copy together, just make sure they fit like a puzzle rather than distract. Good luck.

[Pete Ak]

Haunted - Really interesting comment abt the integration of media I hadn't considered any of that! Again overall your comment has arrested me somewhat - I have no doubt it's going to be good for me so much respect. Pete.