Leaving the School

[Sumz Nini]

I was a little girl, when you took me to your hand,
You cuddled me, secured me, gave everything I need,
Your smooth song was sung by the wind,
It released me from every trouble I faced,

Through eight years, till I get matured,
You looked after me.
You smiled when I was happy and..
worried when I was sad.

I know,
I'm only a chapter for you,
But you are a legend for me.
It's hard to leave you,
But it's my destiny.......


http://www.google.lk/imgres?q=visakha+vidyalaya&hl=en&sa=X&tbo=d&biw=1366&bih=639&tbm=isch&tbnid=4yda9_k5EqJTSM:&imgrefurl=http://www.visakha.sch.lk/&docid=UsEF-YlazNoTuM&imgurl=http://www.visakha.sch.lk/images/slider/photo_900x290_03.png&w=900&h=290&ei=I3u7UPfxFtCzrAfnkoDYDg&zoom=1&iact=hc&vpx=441&vpy=308&dur=347&hovh=107&hovw=310&tx=95&ty=102&sig=114332211932917758526&page=1&tbnh=99&tbnw=277&start=0&ndsp=19&ved=1t:429,r:14,s:0,i:150

[hillwalker]

I like the way you have personified the school as if it were a kindly parent or guardian.
And the closing stanza is touching yet so simple.

You might consider replacing 'till I get matured' with 'until I matured' - but it was enjoyable and original all the same.

H

[cafolini]

Clearly to the point. Good write.

[Bar22do]

This is fresh, original and touching! I hope you dedicated it to your teachers! It's so true the school remains a great legend for the whole life!

[Sumz Nini]

Thank You..!! very much for your feedback.... This is my first poem in public.. :)

[hillwalker]

Great debut!

H

[Jerrybaldy]

As a reader sometimes you feel as if you are in good hands straight away. I felt this reading your poem.

[Haunted]

I have some very different thoughts about this poem than the preceding comments. First off I think it's remarkable that you personified your school, its refreshing and its just a nice tribute to the school and teachers.

However, I can appreciate this only if it comes from a "little girl". It's innocent and elementary. That would mean the persona never grew up and never went through that 8 long years, which is eternity to a child.

That leads me to ask, how do you define "school"? Is it a place where you just open your textbooks and dive into the world of learning and forget everything else? Or is it a place where you actually grew up in, experienced childhood angst, along with some failed friendships and betrayal and unpleasant student-teacher encounters, even teenager suicide thoughts, that makes school a dreaded but real place after all?

I guess what I"m saying is, this is a heart warming poem coming from the point of view of a very very young child. But it loses credibility if it comes from a teenager, for girls and boys of this age group have much more complex thoughts to offer than a honey-coated view of their schools. Or else, I'm just too jaded and should just take this at face value.

[Sumz Nini]

I have some very different thoughts about this poem than the preceding comments. First off I think it's remarkable that you personified your school, its refreshing and its just a nice tribute to the school and teachers.

However, I can appreciate this only if it comes from a "little girl". It's innocent and elementary. That would mean the persona never grew up and never went through that 8 long years, which is eternity to a child.

That leads me to ask, how do you define "school"? Is it a place where you just open your textbooks and dive into the world of learning and forget everything else? Or is it a place where you actually grew up in, experienced childhood angst, along with some failed friendships and betrayal and unpleasant student-teacher encounters, even teenager suicide thoughts, that makes school a dreaded but real place after all?

I guess what I"m saying is, this is a heart warming poem coming from the point of view of a very very young child. But it loses credibility if it comes from a teenager, for girls and boys of this age group have much more complex thoughts to offer than a honey-coated view of their schools. Or else, I'm just too jaded and should just take this at face value.


Thank you for your comment. :)
Yes.. I have to agree with you , there are no any sorrowful memories about "my school" is included in this poem, but I wanted to say the things I had and not about the things I worried.
It's true. even in my school life , I worried, defeated, and lost everything sometimes. that's why the school has become a "legend" for me.
But as the days passed by even those sorrowful memories can make me happy, because I was lucky to have those memories & I was able to bare all those things..

[firefangled]

I liked the sentiment in this very much. My first thought though was that it should have been called "Leaving Visakha Vidyalaya." There is nothing wrong with causing the reader to look something up, better that than the need (or wish) to include a link to the school for elaboration. After reading Haunted's comments, I have to agree with her perceptions. There is a juxtapositioning of time between stanza 1 and stanza 3; S1 is a remembrance and S3 is seemingly taking place at the time of the leaving, though 8 years have passed.

The idea of this is original, refreshing and all the good things that were said in the reviews. If you can rewrite this from a more mature vantage point and entirely as a remembrance, while keeping the language more mature, but don't lose things like "Your smooth song was sung by the wind,/ It released me from every trouble I faced..." and, of course the ending.

You have a natural ability to think originally. It is something that is very difficult to teach someone who does not have it. Keep writing and reading and reading poetry.

[Sumz Nini]

I accept each & every word ... Thank you very much.. :)