Christmas Humour # 5

[Biggus]

MY WORST CHRISTMAS PRESENT EVER # 1

My worst Christmas present ever
I thought I would be lucky to receive
It was big and so full of possibilities
But it really flattered to deceive

Beneath the coloured paper
That hinted at hidden promise
It turned out to be a cardboard box
Containing only emptiness

My mum was watching me intently
And my disappointment hurt her
My cheapskate dad then told me
It was an Action Man deserter

A WINTER WONDERLAND

My bell rings, are you listening,
On your face, your lips are glistening,
A beautiful sight,
I’ll be happy tonight,
Rummaging in your winter underwear

I'VE ALWAYS LOVED MY SANTA # 3

I've always loved my Santa
But you might find this shocking
I’ve never loved him more
Than when his hand is on my stocking

LITTLE BOXES

Little parcels by the fireside
Little parcels wrapped in pretty paper
Little parcels by the fireside
Little labels all the same

There's a round one and a square one
And a long one and a squishy one,
And they're all wrapped in pretty paper
Little labels all the same

And the people in their houses
All sit beside the Christmas tree
And one un-wraps a pretty parcel
Then the others do the same

So the round one and the square one
And the long one and the squishy one,
That were all wrapped in pretty paper
Christmas presents is the name

AT THE ANNUAL CHRISTMAS BINGE

Well at the end of the year
Its managements’ biggest fear
That staff should infringe
At the annual Christmas Binge

After spiking the fruit punch
In the canteen after lunch
They're totally off their hinge
At the annual Christmas Binge

The amount of alcohol downed
As many a sorrow was drowned
Made the accountant whinge
At the annual Christmas Binge

The extent of the revelling
Was quite frankly bedevilling
Enough for his beard to singe
At the annual Christmas Binge

The things that a little party ho
Did beneath the mistletoe
Would make a puritan cringe
At the annual Christmas Binge

Karen from reception bless her
Botox-ed her face with vodka
With a catering syringe
At the annual Christmas Binge

The level of fraternization
Was quite a revelation
And caused a few backs to twinge
At the annual Christmas Binge

You may well be forgiven
After the events which had arisen
That it was the lunatic fringe
At their annual Christmas Binge

Next day when the party was over
Everyone suffered from a hangover
And all took on an earthy tinge
The day after the Christmas binge

PANTER CLAUS

We’ll have a quiet night in
So let the festivities begin
I think it really is a thriller
To have you as a stocking filler
Do you think it shocking?
To want you in my stocking
But I’ll fill you with joy
If you’ll be my sex toy
I can be your secret Santa
You can be my sultry panter
A bit of festive rough and tumble
Ok then just a quick fumble
I thought you’d be up for a goose
They all said you were loose
Then you’re not a sure thing?
And you don’t swing?
No please don’t go home yet
I’m the best offer you’ll get
Sod it another quiet night in
Let the celibacies begin

THE FESTIVE INTERVAL

When celebrating
The festive interval
Please refrain from calling it
The winterval

SCROOGE LIKE

They say the perfect Christmas
Is blessed with family and friends
I say the fewer the better
Or the gift buying never ends

RUSH AND SCURRY

Hurry, hurry shopping in Surrey
Hurry, hurry, rush and scurry
Worry, worry, fresh snow flurry
Hurry Murray rush and scurry
Let’s get home and have a curry

IS SANTA CLAUS REALLY A WOMAN # 5

Is Santa Claus really a woman?
How ridiculous, no way
They can’t parallel park a car
How would they cope with a sleigh?

[AuntShecky]

Of your five collections of Christmas ditties, this collection is the best so far. I especially like your two "singable" parodies--"Winter Wonderland" and "Little Boxes." I guess I'll just ignore the one that steretypes women drivers. The closing line of "Scrooge Like" is really funny, but the meter's off and distracts. Try writing the line with fewer syllables, so it'll match up metrically with line 2. "Or the gift-buying never ends." The binge one was also amusing, but the wrong "they're": "They're off their hinge." Also, I'm fairly certain you mean the opposite of "celibacies."

[Biggus]

Thank Aunty so glad you enjoyed them, and thanks for the heads up on the typos.
i did mean to use celibacies because thats what he ended up with.

[cafolini]

Auntie is going to ignore the one on women drivers. LOL

[Biggus]

I did try to be balanced with the "IS SANTA CLAUS REALLY A WOMAN" pieces I think I managed it