You're Gone

[dlong]

You've Gone

We all grew up with your love
From the beginning you were there
Now your absence is so hard to bear
First memories of you, so kind, so soft
Your warmth and kindness
Never will be forgot

You kept us together when times were bad
When times were rough and quite sad
Some people are not so lucky
To have that person, so kind, so bubbly

Your warmth and laughter, contagious for many
People loved to spend time with you
You had your opinion, this is true
But your strength, your courage helped us pull through
Writing this just reminds me of how much I miss you

As time goes past, the hole's still there
We couldn't have done nothing to prepare
For the cave of emptiness you've left behind
But that fact that your resting peacefully
Gives me great peace of mind

When things turned bad, you still carried on
You never complained are wanted attention
You just gave your love and affection
As you always did right back then when I was just a kid
I prefer to think of those memories
The ones that always make me smile
Instead of the ones of you so poorly, so fragile

My last memory of you is one I'll cherish forever
As I sat next to you, stroking your thumb
My heart felt, as it does still, completely numb


(All comments welcome)

[Delta40]

To be honest, I'm not sure if you're an aspiring poet or someone who is experiencing grief. If it's grief, then ignore my comment and I'm glad you're able to pick up a pen and write out your heart.

It sounds to me like this is a rather personal poem as you express how much you cherish the memory of someone who is no longer with you. It is however dictated by poor rhyme and meter which means it is very bumpy when read out loud. In this instance, rhyme is like a fence around the heart that limits how you express your loss, which is a shame when there is so much more you can say in free verse if you take rhyme out of the equation and say what you want without worrying if it will fit with the next line.

Poetry is often about stories too and while you're telling us you've lost someone dear, you speak of memories in one line without giving the audience any real clue as to what they might be. Can you share a snapshot view of a memory in your re-write to not only help us better appreciate your sense of loss but to give us a glimpse of the person you're referring to? This would give your poem so much more weight and power as imagery becomes a key factor.

Good luck

[hillwalker]

i have to agree that the rhyme cheapens the sentiment. It ends up sounding like something out of a greetings card no matter how strong the emotion behind it.
Also, commenting on anything as personal as this (if it's written in response to a real loss) is going to be meaningless.

H