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PrinceMyshkin
11-29-2012, 12:34 PM
Squirrels rustle among the dry November leaves.
The sound of the last passerby recedes.
The silence is fragmented by a forlorn cry
and the moon hangs, weightless, in the evening sky.
miyako73
11-29-2012, 04:17 PM
As usual, impressive. Should there be a comma after "cry" so I could breathe and experience the intensity of '"silence"?
AuntShecky
11-29-2012, 04:43 PM
The Prince rhymes! Bravo!
PrinceMyshkin
11-29-2012, 05:56 PM
Squirrels rustle among the dry November leaves.
The sound of the last passerby recedes.
The silence is fragmented by a forlorn cry,
and the moon hangs, weightless, in the evening sky.
PrinceMyshkin
11-29-2012, 06:00 PM
As usual, impressive. Should there be a comma after "cry" so I could breathe and experience the intensity of '"silence"?

Thank you and an astute observation, which I've acted on.
PrinceMyshkin
11-29-2012, 06:09 PM
The Prince rhymes! Bravo!


To rhyme
all the time
is to fall
when you mean to walk


Thank you Auntie. Line 4 existed long before line 3 and felt as if it ought to be the final line; finding a rhyme that wasn't too rhymey was a problem that took a long time to solve - and I'm not sure I solved it well; but anything that rhymes with a monosyllable that ends in "y" is a cruel SOB.
Haunted
11-29-2012, 06:41 PM
This describes the late autumn here, every word and description is so well placed. What is the source of the "forlorn cry" may I ask?
AuntShecky
11-30-2012, 02:42 PM
To rhyme
all the time
is to fall
when you mean to walk




Oh, and I love this!^ (Even though yours fooly is more likely to use rhyme than not.)
qimissung
11-30-2012, 04:51 PM
It has a beautiful autumnal melancholy.
Hawkman
11-30-2012, 09:37 PM
Actually I'm not sure about the rustling squirrels. I think you need to drop "among the". I've never heard a squirrel rustle but leaves do it a lot.

"Squirrels rustle dry November leaves,
The final passer by recedes.
Silence shattered by a forlorn cry,
The moon hangs, weightless, in the evening sky."

Would tighten it a bit.

I was on Dartmoor last night, and the moon did just that... It was pretty nippy last night also. Crisp, cold and clear.

Like the scene and atmosphere of the piece.

Live and be well - H