crash

[sarah.nichole]

It happened because of a rabbit. A cute, fluffy bunny. Most women are programmed not to hurt small, adorable things. So we tried to avoid it. What kind of rabbit jumps across a highway anyways? Roads have been around long enough that they should have it figured out by now.

So we swerved--to the left, not the right like you're supposed to. We're taught that we should always go to the right, away from oncoming traffic; or in this case, the median.

We were going fast; about 120 kilometers an hour. Maybe if we hadn't been speeding, the car wouldn't have flipped.

I had my eyes clenched shut, but I'll never forget the sounds; the crunching of metal, the screech as the car skidded across the pavement, the glass shattering.

After a few seconds, the car finally skidded to a stop. I couldn't tell where we were on the road, all I knew is that we were upside down.

My head was pounding and there was a loud ringing in my ears. There was a strange sensation in my left arm; numb, but at the same time agonizing pain. I knew it had to be broken. I could feel my right ankle sitting at an abnormal angle. The seat belt had cut into the skin on my chest and neck. The air bag had hit my face, and I was sure my nose was broken. I could feel a trickle of blood running down my cheek; whether it was coming from my face or my scalp, I wasn't sure.

I knew that I need to get out of the car; I didn't want another vehicle to come along and hit ours. I placed my hand on the ceiling of the car, which was now under me. A sharp pain ran through my arm; the sun roof had broken, and I was pressing my hand into the remaining shards of glass. I gritted my teeth and held my weight up on my hand, allowing myself to unbuckle my seat belt.

More pain was added to my list as I fell from my seat onto the glass. I inhaled deeply and my lungs complied willingly; it was hard to breathe hanging upside down.

My window had broken sometime in the crash. I pressed my body down and slowly pulled my way through with my good arm. I felt the glass cut through my clothes and into my belly and legs. The remaining part of the window that was still attached to the car sliced into my back as I wiggled passed.

It took a lot of effort, but eventually I pulled myself free of the overturned vehicle.

With a cry of pain, I forced myself to stand on my good foot. Using the wreckage as support, I hobbled around to the driver's side of the car. I fell to my knees and stared at the pool of blood under her head.

"Mom?" My voice was barely audible.

No answer.

"Mom, please..." I sobbed.

Again, no answer.

I knew then, that there never would be an answer.

All because of a rabbit.

[Charles Darnay]

Overall, I think you convey the effect you meant to; you put into words the emotions that cannot be expressed.

There were a few muddled phrases that drew me out of the story from time to time.

"I had my eyes clenched shut, but I'll never forget the sounds" - not sure if you can clench your eyes.

"More pain was added to my list as I fell from my seat onto the glass" - I don't think the image of adding pain to you list accomplishes what you want it to.

"With a cry of pain..." - this is one of those redundancies that just doesn't read well.

But other than that, great job!

[cafolini]

Women are not programmed when compared to men. There are exceptions, but they are naturally able to handle many tracks of thought. It wasn't all because of a rabbit.

[hillwalker]

A light-weight story with a heavy-weight ending.
I like so many things about this - the way that 'we' are never identified until close to the end. Most writers would introduce both characters at the earliest opportunity which would diminish the impact.
Also there's a kind of flippancy that ill-prepares us for the change in tone later on.

A couple of things you might consider.
Would the closing line also serve as an opening line? Bookending lines often work quite well in this kind of story.

Also be careful with unintentional repetitions:

...the screech as the car skidded across the pavement, the glass shattering. After a few seconds, the car finally skidded to a stop.

I'm not sure an ankle 'sits' at any angle - possibly 'turned at abnormal angle'?
I also don't think listing the pains helps, especially as it draws our attention to the fact that that's what you're writing - a list. Maybe trim down some of the elements otherwise it's hard to keep up.

Motor safety glass completely shatters on impact into blunt pieces anyway so there'd be none left to cut through your clothes or slice into your back. You'd have bits of glass in your hair no doubt and the smell of cordite from the air-bag. But unless you are abnormally short the air bag would hit your chest dead centre rather than your nose. Many drivers crack a rib or even their sternum as a consequence. You obviously need to carry out more research!

But a great effort nontheless.

H

[Steven Hunley]

This was a great short piece. Like Hill, I enjoyed the tone in the beginning being almost cutesy or flippant, and how it took that unexpected twist at the end, with a sudden decent into realism. I DO believe eyes can clench. And you might want to try "...lurched to a stop. " for the car movement. It's a well-known expression. Good stuff.

[sarah.nichole]

Thanks guys. It was just a thought that popped into my head last night (a depressing one, I know) so thought I'd write it out.

Cafolini -- I'm not sure what women being compared to men had to do with this at all. But in my short piece, yes, it was all about the rabbit running across the road that made them crash.

Hill -- never been in an accident of this capacity, so I was just kind of making things up as I went along. Some of the details are probably wrong but -shrug- oh well! :)

Steve -- Thanks. The reason skidded ended up being used twice was because I went back and changed part of it and didn't realize I had used skidded in the sentence so closely after. That was my bad! I do try to make a point in not repeating words closely together. Sometimes they slip by!

[AuntShecky]

If this is one of your earliest attempts at writing fiction, I would say it's really not bad. Certainly it is nothing to be embarrassed about.* Except for a couple of typos ("I knew I nee(ed) to get out of the car"), I didn't find a lot of errors in spelling or grammar in your piece. In this often careless Age of the Internet, that's a real achievement! I kid you not.

As pointed out in a previous comment, beginning and ending your story with the reference to the rabbit provides a "frame" to the piece and gives it structure. I also liked the "change up" from frivolous to deadly serious tone (also previously mentioned in the comments.)

But you need to be careful with overdoing the sensationalism and the solemnity in that you don't want the story to be hopelessly grim. Because fatal auto accidents are sadly all-too-common in real life, the subject has been explored exhaustively in fiction, mostly as a "vehicle" to advance the plot, occasionally effectively, as in The Great Gatsby. When a crash per se is the primary focus, the result can be, well, somewhat maudlin. So next time I hope you'll chose fresher subject matter.

Also, watch out for creeping clichés: "crunching of metal," "my heart was pounding," "pools of blood," etc.The same goes for "shards." Some years ago I used to visit a poetry writing workshop website where the criticism was merciless (maybe a good thing, because I learned much there.) But I remember that whenever a poster dared to use the word "shard," he or she was soundly ridiculed for it. That's how overused the word is.


* Speaking of beginning efforts, sometimes called "juvenilia," even when the writer has reached early adulthood: During a recent move I jettisoned many crates of my written efforts, which contained some items I'd written several decades ago. Unfortunately, I inadvertently kept some of the mss and read a couple the other night. I'm still cringing as I type this. More than a couple stories had the very same flaws on which I often call out some of our fellow LitNutters: "telling" rather than "showing," introducing a character only by a pronoun ("he" or "she"), and using the present tense for verbs. One or two of these mss are salvageable, but the rest of them are pure drivel. I think I'll hang on to them for a while, just as a reminder. But I really have to dump 'em before I die!

Bottom line: the more you write--and especially read-- the better it gets. (But nobody's perfect.)