2 poems

[twist]

American Indian Country

The graceful tepee stood proud and tall
A huge silhouette by nightfall

Nearby the Indian's canoes moved swiftly through the streams
while the children slept riding wild horses in their dreams

The stars lit the shadowed plains
But the stillness was disturbed by shrill whistles of passing trains


The greatest power

I do not speak of wealth, gold or riches
I do not speak of physical strength or might
No I speak of the greatest power on Earth, prayer

The delicate thread twixt the weak - man and the Mightiest
Can be forged into an unbreakable chain by prayer
Come sorrow, come pain
Come trouble or strife
Nothing can break the man who prays

[hillwalker]

The first suffers because of the weak and predictable rhyme - streams/dreams (!)

The second passed completely over my head because of the religious content.

H

[Delta40]

I agree. The first loses any power with the rhyme factor. The second has a sermonizing feel to it, although the last stanza could be rewoven. Do you want to give the audience the impression that you're standing on a pulpit? If not, then consider how you might effectively write about the power of prayer.

[cafolini]

I think everyone of us is constantly praying, with or without words. Whether we tell it like it is in public or not is a different subject.

[twist]

Thanks cafolini, Delta40 and hillwalker. I wrote these when I was 16 and 17. I agree with your comment cafolini.
Delta40 I'm surprised you don't like rhymes - what about the oompa loompa songs?

[Delta40]

Delta40 I'm surprised you don't like rhymes - what about the oompa loompa songs?

Lol. It isn't that I don't like rhymes but they have to be well executed and they very seldom are. The oompa loompas were the full package. Weird little men dancing and singing songs with a moral message. What more could you ask?

[hallaig]

Wonder why there's such a slavish obsession with rhyme? I wish I could beat it out of people. (well, not literally) Rhyme's just an available tool.