You

[Lykren]

I’m sorry
I was caught by a spark
I cried unwillingly
the tenderest cloud

I laid hands
on the naked sun
your eyes
moved mine
your words
filled mine

Like thin cloth
being pulled over
empty hands
I wrinkled

Curled helplessly
my thoughts smashed
slowly swimming
beneath a pale moon
praying

Forgiveness.

Thank you guys for replying! Hope you liked it.

[Haunted]

Quite a tender piece and liked S2 L3-6. The thin cloth imagery is interesting but don't know if it's true, cloth doesn't wrinkle that easily so it presents a credibility problem for me. I'm confused over "naked sun" and "pale moon" — what's the significance for the antithesis? I cringed at "I cried unwillingly". Modern writing has gotten much tougher. Just remember the name of the 1999 movie, Boys Don't Cry. Neither do girls. We stopped crying for over a decade. I don't mean one can't cry but do say it in a different way. Also title is too generic. See if you can tie it in with the poem. Title and body of the poem should fit like a puzzle. Tie up the loose ends and you've got a decent poem.

[Lykren]

I'm sorry
I was caught by a spark
I gave unwillingly
the tenderest cloud

I laid hands
on the naked sun
your eyes
moved mine
your words
filled mine

But like thin cloth
being pulled over
empty hands
I wrinkled

Now
curled helplessly
my thoughts are smashed
and slowly swimming
under moonlight
praying

Forgiveness.

I made a few small changes. Not all the ones you suggested, I know, but a few. Let me know what you think

[Haunted]

that's ok, you DON"T need to listen to me, I just made suggestions based on my own expectations and self imposed standards. You asked for replies so I gave my 2 cents. My reactions is based on what I read every day in the mainstream, not poetry but all sorts of writing, and the bar is very high. You need to talk on their level, match their heightened sensibility, or you would be irrelevant. The last thing you want to do is to write like someone in the 1800s. It's cool if you were from 1800, but if you are from 2012, so write like someone from 2012.

Now, getting rid of "crying" immediately helped me focused on the poem itself — the message, and not sentimentality — it was way too "soft" before. The ending, which you didn't change, became so much more powerful. Now I can appreciate it as what it is, minus the distraction. Just remember, you do not need to tell anyone you are crying. You show them. You show them how sorrowful you are, how remorseful and how much its tearing you apart. That's the point of poetry.

However, the first stanza is now too ambiguous. I know what you are trying to say, but right now it makes no sense. Work on it a bit more. Also what is the "naked sun" referring to?? I still cant' relate to the first 6 lines. After that it flows for me, and I can feel the beauty of it, and sadness. This is a really nice poem, you got the ending nailed, just some loose ends.

[Sumz Nini]

I like the second poem... :)


"slowly swimming under moonlight, praying Forgiveness " is the touching line for me...