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drones
11-24-2012, 07:25 AM
This is my first story I wrote which is also for our English project.

“A Cookie Story”
By drones

“Remember your project for this quarter! It’s due tomorrow,” Miss Christy reminded. “Again, you are to make cookies with a variation from what we did last week which are chocolate chip cookies.” The whole class started talking about what kind of cookies they are going to make.

“I’m going to make mine with cinnamon,” said one.

“Mine’s with colored chocolate chips,” said Summer.

Miss Christy let out a cough to signal she had more to say. “It all doesn’t end there. Since it’s Christmas, you are to give them to someone in this class.”

By that, the conversations quickly diverged from cookies to something like “I’m going to give mine to Harold.” followed by giggles. Summer approached me with a cheerful smile.

“Alex, what kind of cookies are you going to make?”

“It’s a secret.”

“Well, who are you going to give it to?”

“That’s also a secret,” almost turning red.

I knew too well what I am going to do as my project. I’m going to make cookies with nuts for Summer. I just hope I didn’t give it away earlier talking with her. The bell rang for dismissal and everyone immediately left.

Summer is the most beautiful girl in the world, at least, in my world. There’s something in her smile I find heart-warming as the sunset and her long straight hair that I wish to touch like one of the sun’s rays. I love her and the cookies I’ll bake is the perfect way to prove it.

As I was to about to leave the sound of a dropped basketball tells me someone was still there, Harold. The serious expression on his face tells me he’s up to something no good.

“If you want an assignment in Math, it’s in the orange notebook in my bag.” I said.

He stood up from the chair he was sitting. “I’ve done that a moment ago. Say, what are you making for your project?”

I cleared my throat. “I’m making a ... Raisin cookies.”

There was no disgust in his face which is what I was looking for but a disappointed one. He ransacked my bag for my money and left. I was going to use them to buy ingredients but I’ll have the bakery put it in my tab.

It’s 4 in the afternoon when I reached the front door of the local bakery. They sold different baked goods as well as raw materials for baking. I searched the store for Harold. I expected he’ll use the money he stole from me to buy pre-made cookies. He does that “Buy-and-Submit” method in many subjects. Well, in this case it will be “Steal-Buy-and-Submit”.

Searching for the nuts, I found myself in the nuts section’s shelves which were the same shelves for the chocolate section on the opposite side. There it was, a pack of finely grounded nuts which was also the last of its kind. I took it off its shelf to find Summer’s face in front of me.

“Oh. Hi! So you’re making peanut cookies,” she said cheerfully.
“Yes. I’m lucky to get the last one.”

“The last one. Really?” she said with a worried tone. “You should hurry. They may run out of flour and those kind of stuffs.”

Summer paid the cashier and left. Well, that was a desperate attempt to make me hurry. How could a bakery run out of “those kind of stuffs”?

“Raisin cookies, huh?

I turned around and was surprised to see Harold in his blue basketball jersey. Summer must have seen him behind me.

“Cookies made with peanuts. That’s good enough,” he said.

Harold picked up a decorative box and placed it in my basket. “Here’s your money back.”

Harold went out to meet up with the other members of the basketball team. Confused, I was. I finished shopping for ingredients and went home.

Tomorrow will be the submission and also the giving of our project. I intend to bake it with our own over though we can bake it at school which I imagine to be crammed and messy.

Early in the morning, I prepared the materials and ingredients I will be using. First I creamed the sugar, butter, and egg. Next I mixed the flour and nut. Lastly, I baked them in the oven for 180°C until they’re brown. They fitted nicely in the decorative cookie box Harold picked out. Summer would be thrilled although the cookie would not be a surprise anymore. Still, it would be a gustatory delight.

I reached the near the front of the gate of our school. Harold was standing there and saw me. He walked towards me with an aggressive look in his face.

He had his fists clenched beside him. “Where is it?”

“Whe-where’s what?”

“Don’t play dumb with me.”

I now knew what he was looking for. He wants the cookies I freshly baked. Not the pre-made in the bakery.

I held the box tightly with my hands. “It’s mine.”

Harold was angered and forcefully took the box from me then ran towards the gate and entered. There’s nothing I could do now. If I knew this is what he’s up to, I could’ve divided the cookies earlier. All the efforts I gave are wasted. The bell rang and I’m still outside. I might get locked out so I hurried to get inside.

I sat down on my chair with no box of cookies on my desk. Others have made quite neat cookies. Some are made with oats, some are checkered and some are in different shapes. Summer made hers with colored chocolate chips as she said. I noticed that she was looking at me but not in disappointment but with the same heart-warming smile. Harold sits contently with the cookies I made on his desk.

Miss Christy entered the room five minutes late and looked rather exhausted.
“OK. Do you have your cookies with you?”

Everyone said “Yes, Ma’am,” in synchronicity except for me.

“Alex, you don’t have anything on your desk. Is there something wrong?”
“No. Ma’am, I didn’t make one.”

“You’ll stay here after class. I’m going to talk to you.”

Miss Christy would call each student one by one to critique their work. She would eat one cookie and write down on her record book. The expressions on her face were quite clear that I could tell whether the cookies were good or bad. It was Harold’s turn. He walked towards Miss Christy with pride that made me disgusted. Miss Christy took a bite from my cookie.

“Well. This is delicious. Whoever you’re going to give it to is very lucky.”

The bell rang for recess right after the last person’s work was judged.

“That’s it for this quarter’s project. You can now give your cookies to someone during your break.”

The person Harold will give my cookies to would be really lucky, indeed. The last thing I need is Harold giving them to Summer. Miss Christy gave me brief sermon on laziness which Harold should be receiving.

I left the room and find myself heart-broken to see Harold give the box of cookies to Summer. That should be me and no one else. I imagine her smile to be much more special in this moment. She took one out and gave it a big bite. But then her bright face turned red and swollen. She lay down while coughing and wheezing. I saw the horror in Harold’s face. Everyone seemed to crowd around Summer in worry, curiosity, and intrigue. It didn’t last long ‘till they called for medical help.

I only thought this was fair. If Harold didn’t steal the cookies from me, this wouldn’t happen. Summer could’ve simply rejected the cookies from me because she knows mine was made with nuts.

Delta40
11-24-2012, 08:22 AM
Nice twist. However, there are a few things you will need to do to tighten up your story. Alot of your sentences are grammatically and structurally incorrect so it's important to edit. Keep the sentences simple. An example of this is:

Searching for the nuts, I found myself in the nuts section’s shelves which were the same shelves for the chocolate section on the opposite side

Alot of nuts and alot of shelves. You really could simply this if you tried.

Secondly, if you have a look at the story, you're writing in both past and present tense. So one minute this is something that has already happenend and the next, it's current which is very confusing for the reader. Pick one or the other but in this particular case, you cannot have both.

For a first story, I think it's a good effort and look forward to reading the re-write.

hillwalker
11-24-2012, 10:21 AM
Well done for posting your first story on here.

I agree with Delta that some of the grammar needs attention and you need to sort out the timeframe - is this all happening right now (present tense) or did it happen in the past? You can't keep switching from one to the other at random:

The whole class started (past) talking about what kind of cookies they are going (present) to make.
or
I knew (past) too well what I am going (present) to do as my project.

I'm guessing Harold is a bully but you don't let on right from the start which is good. You offer him your maths assignment (presumably he copies your answers) and allow him to steal your money yet don't react. So we're interested to find out if there's more to follow. Hopefully Alex gets his revenge...

But I also agree this can be trimmed - telling us what the local bakery sells and the arrangement of the shelving isn't necessary. It slows the story down.

And this line - Still, it would be a gustatory delight. - where did you dig up such a horrible word? Why not say '...it would be tasty...' ?

I like the twist at the end - but such a shame that Summer is the one who suffers. Personally I'd have given Harold the peanut allergy and have him steal the cookies still thinking they were made with raisins. Then he could sneak a nibble in class and suffer the consequences in front of everyone. :reddevil:

But it's a good first post. Keep writing.

H

drones
11-25-2012, 12:01 AM
That's for the replies.

@Delta40


Searching for the nuts, I found myself in the nuts section’s shelves which were the same shelves for the chocolate section on the opposite side

I changed it to "I found myself in the nuts section which was beside the chocolate section. " Would that be better?

@hillwalker


But I also agree this can be trimmed - telling us what the local bakery sells and the arrangement of the shelving isn't necessary. It slows the story down.


And this line - Still, it would be a gustatory delight. - where did you dig up such a horrible word? Why not say '...it would be tasty...' ?
Yes. You're right. :redface:


I like the twist at the end - but such a shame that Summer is the one who suffers. Personally I'd have given Harold the peanut allergy and have him steal the cookies still thinking they were made with raisins. Then he could sneak a nibble in class and suffer the consequences in front of everyone.
I was thinking of making Harold Alex's rival for Summer. That would give "Harold giving the cookies to Summer" sense. Maybe Alex knew Summer was allergic to peanuts and Harold stealing the cookies was Alex's plan all along. That would make Summer angry at Harold and shout out that he stole them from Alex. Would that be too much? :banana:

Delta40
11-25-2012, 12:39 AM
Ask yourself whether the reader needs to know so much detail which has little or no bearing on the story. How about:

I was rummaging for a particular packet of finely ground nuts, when Summer's face appeared in front of me.

Try and write what you're saying as simply as possible.

hillwalker
11-25-2012, 08:11 AM
I was thinking of making Harold Alex's rival for Summer. That would give "Harold giving the cookies to Summer" sense. Maybe Alex knew Summer was allergic to peanuts and Harold stealing the cookies was Alex's plan all along. That would make Summer angry at Harold and shout out that he stole them from Alex. Would that be too much? :banana:

That would indeed work. But you need to introduce the idea quite subtly so the reader is in on the scheme but still have the potential for it to backfire.
1) Summer mustn't find out Alex has made peanut cookies
2) Harold mustn't steal the cookies until the last possible moment... keep the reader holding their breath.

Good luck with it

H

Jerrybaldy
11-30-2012, 08:14 AM
I agree with all the above :)
I found the ending a little confused and confusing, but that aside, I wanted to say that I really enjoyed reading your story.
JB

AuntShecky
11-30-2012, 03:12 PM
The verbs lack consistency and the sentence structure is weak, but you are very wise to choose a simple topic for your first effort. Also, this sentence was confusing:


I’m going to make cookies with nuts for Summer.

I wondered why is the narrator making cookies for summer when the assignment was for Christmas cookies?
It wasn't until later until I realized that it referred to a female classmate. Change her name!