Christmas Humour # 4

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WITHOUT SANTA’S LITTLE HELPER

Without Santa’s little helper
Christmas would be very hard
I don’t think I could do Christmas
With out my credit card

IS SANTA CLAUS REALLY A WOMAN # 3

Is Santa Claus really a woman?
Let’s silence those objections
How would he navigate the globe?
And all its many intersections
When a man is totally incapable
Of ever asking for directions

CHAVS CHRISTMAS # 4

So we could go Christmas shopping
I kept the kids home from school today
Because if I’d gone on my own
I’d have gotten the wrong sizes, so hey

I'VE ALWAYS LOVED MY SANTA # 2

I've always loved my Santa
In his red Santa hat
With his cheerful demeanour
All hearty and fat
With his belly that wobbles
Like a bowl full of jelly
And he loves his naughty
Little Miss Nelly

A WINTER BLUNDERLAND

Door bells ring, are you listening,
In the street, snow is glistening,
Out in the night,
There’s a hideous sight
Your mother in her winter underwear

DECK THE HALLS WITH BOUGHS OF HOLLY

Deck the halls with boughs of holly,
Fa la la la la, la la la la.
I’ll spend Christmas time with Molly
Fa la la la la, la la la la.
It should be the season to be jolly
Fa-la-la, la-la-la, la-la-la.
But I’ve just realized my folly
Fa-la-la, la-la-la, la-la-la.

Stab me in the heart with holly
Fa la la la la, la la la la
Dad has run away with Molly
Fa la la la la, la la la la.
Stuff the turkeys arse with holly
Fa-la-la, la-la-la, la-la-la.
Theres no reason to be jolly,
Fa-la-la, la-la-la, la-la-la.

IT WAS IN THE BELFRY

It was in the belfry
On Christmas Eve
High in the tower
I tried to retrieve
A poor little kitten
Who was stuck
When suddenly
The bell was struck
I lost my footing
And began to fall
I thought this is
The end of it all
So I had onto grab
Or surely die
My Ding dong
Merrily on high

EVERYONE IS SO HAPPY

Everyone is so happy
Damn them all to hell
But I drank too much last night
And today I feel unwell

The cheerful souls
Can’t abide to see a frown
And want me to turn
My frown upside down

At first I decided
That I would merely scoff
But it didn’t work
So I told them to piss off

IS SANTA CLAUS REALLY A WOMAN # 4

Is Santa Claus really a woman?
Why are we having this debate?
If Santa was a woman
How would she navigate?
My wife got lost last week
In a car park in Ramsgate

FLAWLESS

You are fat and round
And your trousers are tight
Your nose is quite red
And your beard is white
Now all of the above
Might be considered flaws
But they’re not to me
As you are my Santa Claus